


The Skin You're In

by ddelusionall



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band)
Genre: Falling In Love, Gender Dysphoria, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Jaejoong is a mess, M/M, MTF Kim Jaejoong, Meet the Family, Past Abuse, Pre-Surgery, Rough Sex, Therapy, Transgender, Transphobia, Yoochun is doing his best, but she is also doing her best, first time anal sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-20
Updated: 2012-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:01:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 61,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23878822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ddelusionall/pseuds/ddelusionall
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Relationships: Jung Yunho (DBSK)/Kim Heechul, Kim Jaejoong/Park Yoochun, Kim Junsu (JYJ)/Shim Changmin
Kudos: 3





	1. The Secret

**Author's Note:**

> I am importing my stories from LiveJournal. The original fic can be found [here](http://be-ddelusionall.livejournal.com/).
> 
> I haven't read this story in a long time, so I may have missed some tags. Just let me know if I did.

**Transgender!Jaejoong**

A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with [Gender Identity Disorder](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder). I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.

**March 2011**

“Good morning, and welcome to Angel Café. What can I get for you?”

Yoochun froze and stared at the girl behind the counter. Beautiful didn’t begin to describe her. She had wide eyes, blue from contacts. Her black hair was pulled up in a messy bun, and fly-away wisps framed her face. As he stared, her pink lips opened in a shy smile.

Yoochun snapped his jaw shut when Changmin elbowed him in the side.

“You don’t serve intelligence here, do you?” Changmin asked. “It seems my friend is lacking.”

The barista laughed, a delicate hand moving up to cover her mouth. Her nails shimmered with clear polish. She shook her head.

“Just beauty then,” Yoochun said, finally able to say something.

“Tea actually, and coffee.”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Yoochun always orders a medium hazelnut latte.”

The girl smiled and rang up his order. “And for you?”

“Oh no,” Yoochun said, shoving Changmin. “I am not paying for your coffee, dongsaeng.”

Changmin pouted, went from a snarky brat to adorable cute little brother in less than two seconds. “But hyung!”

It worked every time, and Yoochun had a sudden need to impress this girl, so he sighed and let Changmin order a medium amaretto mocha, and a muffin, and a cookie for later.

“You’re really nice,” the girl said, and she smiled again. Pink hints covered her cheeks when their fingers brushed over Yoochun’s credit card. He smiled and said thanks and she bowed and Changmin grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

“God, you’re so transparent it’s ridiculous.”

“Yah, dongsaeng, such disrespect,” Yoochun muttered as they sat down at a table. His eyes sought out the beautiful barista again. Her hair was long, but currently pulled up into a ponytail, held back by a blue tie. She wore a solid black skirt, and blue leggings and boots. She wore a white, button up blouse that had designs swirled around it that matched her blue leggings. An apron wrapped around her waist. She was very cute, and obviously aware of Yoochun’s staring.

Changmin snapped his fingers in Yoochun’s face. “Wake up, dumbass. Did you even look at her nametag?”

Yoochun turned to him and shook his head.

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Seriously, if you didn’t buy me food all the time, we would not be friends.”

The girl brought over their coffees with another embarrassed smile, and Yoochun glanced at her name tag.

Kim Jaehwa.

Respect and beauty. Yoochun smiled at her, and the color deepened in her cheeks.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

Yoochun went back to the café the next day. A young guy was taking orders and Jaehwa was fixing them.

“Jaehwa,” he said. “Creepy, staring guy is back.”

Yoochun frowned, but his eyes were on the beautiful girl now flushing an adorable shade of pink. “Hello, Kim Jaehwa-shi.”

“Hello, Park Yoochun-shi. Don’t mind Junsu. He’s just jealous that you aren’t staring at him.”

Yoochun smiled and looked at the cute boy behind the counter. “Sorry.”

Junsu stuck his tongue out at Jaehwa.

“Hazelnut latte?” Jaehwa asked.

“Sure. And your phone number.”

Jaehwa almost dropped a cup.

Junsu frowned at her, but said nothing. There was a set to his face that made Yoochun think that maybe the two of them were dating.

Jaehwa recovered and smiled. She started making Yoochun’s coffee. “Ask me tomorrow.”

Junsu snorted and shook his head, but he said nothing as he rang Yoochun up.

Before Yoochun left the café, he learned that Jaehwa was a student at the same university Yoochun went to, but she was studying music. And he also learned that Junsu was merely an overprotective best friend worried about some random guy breaking Jaehwa’s heart.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**July 2011**

“Good morning, Yoochun-shi,” Jaehwa said, smiling widely.

Yoochun returned the greeting. “Please, Jaehwa, I know you’re older than me, but aren’t we friends now? Must we be so formal?”

Jaehwa smiled, eyes crinkling, hand covering her mouth. “For a little longer.”

It was what she always said when Yoochun asked, and Yoochun bowed and agreed.

Junsu rolled his eyes at their flirting and started making Yoochun’s coffee.

“Can I take you to dinner today?” Yoochun asked, something else he asked her almost every day.

Jaehwa blushed and glanced at Junsu, but Junsu’s face was blank. Jaehwa continued to refuse his invitations, but Yoochun had always been persistent when he wanted something. He’d been in this café almost every day for the last four months. On his days off, he sat in the café and Jaehwa would sit down with him during her breaks.

Yoochun learned quickly that she was very careful with who she went out with, and she was hit on a lot. He figured that she had been hurt in the past. He also learned just how over-protective Junsu was of her. Yoochun had seen a girl from one of his classes at the café one day and sat down to chat with her, and Junsu threatened to kick him out if he was just playing with Jaehwa’s heart. Jaehwa had smacked Junsu and told him to go do dishes.

The two of them had been friends since junior high school. Yoochun continued to think that Junsu was in love with her, until Junsu came in one day with a man that wouldn’t stop groping his ass and trying to kiss him. Junsu assured him that he most definitely gay and Jaehwa was a bit too female for his tastes. Yoochun had laughed at that.

“Yes,” Jaehwa finally whispered. “I’m off at seven. Come and meet me?”

Yoochun grinned widely. “I will.”

Jaehwa avoided his look and moved on to her next customer.

Junsu glared at him and handed him his coffee. “Don’t you dare break her heart.”

Yoochun winced. “I’ll try my best. Thanks for letting her.”

His eyebrows rose and he shook his head. “I’m not in control of her, and you shouldn’t think that you can be. She is determined to say no to you forever. But I’m the one that told her to give you a chance.”

“Oh. Well, thank you for that then.”

Junsu sighed. “She’s special, Yoochun-shi.”

Yoochun looked over at her and nodded. “I know.”

“No, you don’t. But … well, hopefully you’ll learn.”

Yoochun wasn’t sure what that meant.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

Yoochun was strangely nervous as he walked back to Angel Café that night. He’d called Changmin over to help him pick out something appropriate to wear. He agreed only because Yoochun said he could eat all the food and drink all the beer in his fridge.

He’d decided on something casual. Normally, he’d dress up and take a girl to a fancy restaurant on their first date, but he had four months to get to know Jaehwa, and he knew that she wouldn’t like that. Especially if she was coming right off of work. Yoochun dressed in loose jeans, a simple white tank top and a long jacket. He made sure his hair was styled and spritzed on just a little bit of cologne. Jaehwa didn’t like strong smelling perfumes.

As he got ready, he had realized that Jaehwa had given him a lot of clues on what she preferred in a guy: natural but stylish, gentlemanly, but not overbearing, a good family man, and someone with prospects either in college or graduated. And punctual.

Yoochun cursed as he just missed a light to cross the street. He looked at his watch. It was two minutes after seven. While he waited for the light to change, he sent Jaehwa a text really fast to tell her he was on his way. She replied that she was still cleaning up, so to take his time.

He didn’t, almost running to get there as soon as possible. He made it at 7:10. The bells jingled above him and Jaehwa turned from where she’d been leaning on the counter and smiled widely at him. Junsu made a face, but pushed Jaehwa toward Yoochun.

“Be home before midnight, please,” Junsu said.

“I will, Su-ah.” Jaehwa blew him a kiss, and then walked up to Yoochun. She hadn’t changed from the cute, green plaid, pleated skirt she’d been wearing before, but instead of flat shoes, she was wearing combat boots and a green army jacket.

“You look cute,” Yoochun said and offered his arm.

Jaehwa smiled at him. Yoochun loved that the two of them were so close in height. Well, if Jaehwa ever wore heels, she’d be taller, but right then, they were eye to eye.

It would have been so easy to kiss her.

Instead, Yoochun led her outside and into the cool night air. They walked in silence for a little while and then Jaehwa cleared her throat.

“So where are you taking me, Yoochun-shi?”

“Paintballing, a basketball game, American food.”

Jaehwa made a face and Yoochun laughed. “I’m kidding. But you’ll like it.”

“Okay. I trust you.” She gripped his arm with her other hand and leaned into him.

Yoochun swallowed, heart fluttering at the small gesture. He walked toward campus, ignored the clubs and headed toward the far side.

“So, care to tell me about Junsu?” Yoochun asked.

Jaehwa looked at him in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You two are really close.”

“You know we’ve been best friends since we were twelve.”

“And?”

“And what?”

Yoochun shrugged. “I guess I’m just digging for juicy gossip.”

Jaehwa rolled her eyes. “Sorry, but you more or less already know anything, and we’re best friends. We have secrets that I won’t share.”

“Drat. Tell me what it was like growing up in Chungnam.”

Jaehwa shrugged. “Boring. Tiny town. Lots of sisters. Not much to do. End of story.”

Yoochun frowned. He’d obviously upset her with the question. He’d wanted to use this time to get to know more about her, and her life growing up, but it appeared that she didn’t want to share, so he cleared his throat and asked her about school instead. Those dark eyes brightened and she smiled and she started talking about a project in her musical history class where they had to reenact a historical moment through music.

Across the street was their destination, and Yoochun was glad it wasn’t busy.

As soon as Jaehwa caught sight of the ddokbokki cart, her eyes went wide and her mouth opened in a quiet O.

“I love ddokbokki,” she exclaimed, and grabbed Yoochun’s hand and eagerly dragged him across the street.

Yoochun laughed and followed her lead. “I know you do.”

Jaehwa bounced in eagerness as Yoochun ordered from the ahjuma running the cart. There were two small tables to the right, and Yoochun led Jaehwa over to one. They sat down and ate the spicy meal. Yoochun wondered if he could get away with feeding Jaehwa pieces of ddok from his chopsticks, but decided that Jaehwa might not like that.

And he tried not to think about her tongue, currently licking at the chopsticks, licking at something else.

She picked up their conversation about school, and then it was Yoochun’s turn to talk about business classes and his project for his Advanced English class.

When they finished their dinner and walked into the city. Yoochun’s throat closed up when Jaehwa let him take her hand. They stopped for an ice cream cone, and then with the time ticking toward later, Jaehwa said she had better get home.

It was barely ten, but Yoochun didn’t protest. Jaehwa had an early class. He walked her home, and may or may not have consciously slowed their pace to be in her presence a little longer. Outside of her building, Yoochun stopped. He held both her hands, but kept distance between their bodies.

“Thank you for going out with me,” Yoochun said. “Will you let me take you out again?”

Jaehwa smiled and ducked her head. A tiny tendril of hair fell over her cheek. She nodded. “Yes. I had fun.”

“Me, too.” Yoochun stepped forward, and Jaehwa stepped back, smiling an apology.

Yoochun tried not to let the disappointment show on his face. He really wanted to kiss her.

“See you tomorrow,” Jaehwa whispered and reluctantly pulled her hands from his.

Yoochun nodded. “I’ll come by after my last class.”

Jaehwa smiled and slipped into the door. Yoochun waited, watching her walk up the stairs and then turned around and walked home for another sleepless, sexually-frustrated night.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**November 2011**

It took four months for Jaehwa to agree to go out with him, Yoochun shouldn’t have been surprised that he wooed her and dated her for four more without a kiss. They cuddled on Jaehwa’s couch while watching movies, but they were never alone (Junsu was always there, watching). When they went out, they were back by ten, no later than eleven. She only came to Yoochun’s when they were going out, never to stay, never alone.

It started to grate on Yoochun’s nerves. He’d proven himself, he thought. He’d shown Jaehwa that he was serious about her. Jaehwa also continued to keep him at a distance, refusing to talk about more personal matters, or explain why her family never visited. She’d dropped the formal phrases though, and now called him Chunnie-ah. That was something at least.

Yoochun sighed as he headed across campus. He didn’t want to force a kiss on her and then be denied, but he didn’t want to force her at all. He wanted her to want to kiss him too.

The sun was setting as Yoochun made his way home. Jaehwa said she needed some time with Junsu, that she’d been neglecting her best friend for a long while, and Yoochun agreed. He’d made plans with Changmin.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he flipped it open.

From: **My JaeJae♥**  
Where are you? Can you meet with me for a few minutes?

From: **Chunnie**  
I just left school, and I can always meet with you.

From: **My JaeJae♥**  
Park bench in ten minutes?

From: **Chunnie**  
I’ll be there.

With a lighter step, Yoochun changed direction and headed toward Angel Café. There was a small park between the university and the café, and Yoochun often met Jaehwa there before taking her to dinner. He fought the urge to run, but sped his steps. He arrived in eight minutes, just before Jaehwa. She had a coffee for him, and he took it with a smile, and because his brain wasn’t really connected to the rest of him, he ducked his head and kissed her cheek.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Jaehwa blushed and buried her face in her scarf.

Yoochun took a sip and held out his hand. She took it and they started on a well-known circuit around the park.

“Junsu says I’m not being fair to you, and he’s getting really upset with me,” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun stopped. “What?”

She refused to look up at him, even after Yoochun ran his finger over her cheek. “He says …” She stopped and took a deep breath. Finally she looked up. Her face was pained, conflicted, and Yoochun wanted to comfort her. “I know you want to kiss me and I want you to, I do. It may not seem like it, but it’s been a long time since someone was willing to wait for me and treat me so well, and I’m really thankful that you’re such a gentleman, Yoochun-ah, I just … I can’t kiss you, I can’t let you in until you know the truth, and I don’t want you to leave and run away, so I haven’t told you. This has been so wonderful, but Junsu says I have to tell you. And I know I do. I have to tell you the truth.”

“The truth?” Yoochun said, confused.

Jaehwa nodded. “You’re going to hate me so much.”

“Not possible. You are—“

She held up a hand to stop him from talking. “This is already really hard, so just be quiet. Only a few people know what I’m about to tell you. I only told one previous boyfriend and he was okay with it, but then things didn’t work out … well, yeah. Junsu knows of course, and pretty much everyone from my home, but …”

Yoochun was very worried now. He stepped closer to Jaehwa, but she stepped back. “Jae-“

“I’m a guy.”

Yoochun froze, hand half way up to touch her cheek. Her cheek, or his cheek?

Jaehwa did not look up at him. “I don’t think of myself as male and I don’t want other people to either, but physically … well, I have guy parts. Junsu said you deserved to know before you put anymore money or feelings into this relationship. I had a hard time living with myself as a guy. It’s easier as a girl, and there are more reasons than that, but I’m not going to go into them now. I just wanted you to know before … yeah.”

Jaehwa turned and walked away, boots clicking on the sidewalk.

Yoochun was too stunned to stop her.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	2. The Talk

Yoochun lay in his bed, staring at his ceiling.

He. A He. Jaehwa was a guy.

Yoochun was not a bigoted jerk. He had gay friends, and his younger brother spent the first year of college trying to figure out his sexuality. Yoochun supported him in that. He supported all his friends. He thought about calling Hyunjoong, or even his brother, but this was not his secret to tell.

Jaehwa trusted him. He couldn’t go and destroy that trust just because he was confused.

Yoochun pressed his palms to his closed eyes. He groaned. It was hard to imagine her as a he. He couldn’t. Even when he saw her in jeans, she did not look like a guy. She had a tiny waist and slim shoulders. The only that was missing in what Yoochun usually looked for in women was boobs, but he’d barely noticed that before. She wore clothes that accented the curves she had.

But she was a guy. She was a he under the skirt and long hair and makeup and smiles.

Yoochun wondered if that changed anything. He’d fallen in love with her. With Jaehwa, and did what sexual organs you had really dictate who you were?

Yoochun didn’t think so.

But he’d never, ever been attracted to a guy before. Ever. He wasn’t gay. He didn’t find the male body attractive. He thought Jaehwa was incredibly attractive. Her skin was pale, her legs smooth and shaved. Everything about her screamed femininity. She didn’t even have an Adam’s apple. Or not one that Yoochun had noticed.

His thoughts raced through the night, tumbling around and over each other, confusing him even more.

Jaehwa was a guy.

Or was she?

She had made a choice on how to live her life. She felt more comfortable as a woman, she felt more secure about herself. And Yoochun knew she did. She held her head high, smiled and laughed and walked with a twist in her step, one that made her skirt twist and who was Yoochun to judge her for that?

Yoochun hated wearing ties, they made him uncomfortable; same with corduroy pants. No one judged him for what he chose to wear.

He knew it was more than just clothes that made Jaehwa a woman.

Had she … Yoochun almost whimpered and bunched up his legs. Had she gone through the surgeries? Snippity snipped Mr. Jaehwa away? No, she said she had guy parts, and Yoochun wondered where she hid them. Some of her clothes were really tight. Like those black skinny jeans that just hugged her ass, and … Yoochun moaned and covered his face with a pillow.

He was definitely attracted to Jaehwa. But who was Jaehwa? And could he … He tried to picture her naked (something that he’d done previously) but with a man’s body. It was hard. He was not attracted to men. He put a cute pair of panties on the image in his mind and cursed, because he was attracted to that.

And what was her real name? Again, Yoochun realized he was being unfair. Jaehwa was her real name; maybe not the name she was born with, but the name she went by, and the name who represented her true self.

Yoochun thought back to their conversation and remembered what Jaehwa had said about not seeing herself as male. What did that mean? If she had guy parts, then she had to be male? Right? How do you not see yourself as male when you have a penis?

He fell into a restless sleep near dawn, missed all of his classes and finally dragged himself out of bed at about two. He showered, and quickly dressed. He still had no idea what to do, how to feel, but he wanted to see Jaehwa. He needed to see her, because maybe seeing her and knowing that she wasn’t really a she would help him make his decision. Or it would reaffirm that he liked her, and god, he liked her. Loved her.

He loved her smiles and her laughter and her shyness and her style. She was always well dressed and stunning, and Yoochun would miss the way his breath caught every time he saw her.

And he did see her. As female. He wasn’t sure what that meant for his own sexuality. Did the fact that his girlfriend has a penis mean that he was gay?

God, he was confused. He needed to see her. He barreled down the stairs of his apartment and out the front door. It was raining, but he barely felt the rain and he ran through the streets to Angel Café.

Panicked, he pushed open the door and did a quick sweep of the lobby. Jaehwa wasn’t there, but Junsu was behind the counter.

“Where is she?” Yoochun demanded.

Junsu narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.

“Please,” Yoochun said softer. “Where is she?”

“Home. She wasn’t feeling well.”

“Can I …” Yoochun cursed and looked away.

Junsu snorted and moved to the coffee machine. “What are your intentions, and please remember where you are and don’t say anything stupid?”

“I …” The L Word stuck in his throat. Yoochun so wasn’t ready for that. “I’m worried about her. She …” Yoochun sighed and shook his head. “I need to talk to her.”

Junsu frowned as he poured espresso into the prepared cup. “I don’t think I’ll let you until I know what your intentions are.”

Yoochun opened his mouth to protest, and then remembered the incredibly vulnerable look on Jaehwa’s face when she had told him her secret. Junsu had every right to protect her. And Yoochun was glad there was someone in the world that was there to protect her.

“I like her,” Yoochun finally said.

Junsu’s frown deepened and he looked up, meeting Yoochun’s eyes. “Even after what she told you?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I do. She’s still the same person, isn’t she?”

Junsu looked back at Yoochun’s coffee. He very carefully poured in the steamed milk. His hand was shaking. He put on a lid and handed it to Yoochun. “I will tell her to call you.”

Yoochun swallowed, once again the need to protest coursed through him, but he nodded. “Please. Please. I …”

Junsu nodded. “I know. I have a break in about a half hour. Wait for me and I’ll talk to you.”

Yoochun sighed and nodded. He went to the corner booth, the one he usually cuddled up with Jaehwa in, and waited for Junsu. His hands shook as he brought the coffee up to his lips for a sip. He had a half an hour to try to think of what to say to convince Junsu of his sincerity.

He had to be honest with himself. He was a little weirded out that Jaehwa was a guy, or at least male under the cute clothes, but Yoochun hadn’t seen evidence of that. Jaehwa wore tight jeans and tank tops, and not a single thing about her body looked male. Maybe the fall of her arms, or the boniness of her hips, but she did everything with a feminine flare. She lived as a female. But what did that make her? If she wasn’t either than what was she?

Yoochun wondered how long she had been living as a female, and wondered if this was why she did not like talking about her family or her past. Her life must be insanely difficult. Yoochun took a deep breath and decided that he would not make it worse. He liked Jaehwa, and he didn’t like her any less than he had yesterday before she told him. If anything, she needed someone besides Junsu to help protect her. He could give her that. What she was doing was brave. A little crazy, but brave. Yoochun didn’t think he’d be strong enough.

Yoochun pulled out his phone and sent a text to Jaehwa.

From: **Chunnie**  
/thinking of you/ Junsu says you stayed home today. I hope you’re okay. Please take care of yourself. <3

He hovered over the send option for a long while before tapping it.

This was not going to change anything. He had to prove that to her and to himself.

He waited for a reply, but didn’t expect one. He went to his camera gallery and thumbed through the pictures they took together. Jaehwa was such a camera whore. She loved taking pictures of everything. There was one of their cheeks pressed together, smiling and so close. Yoochun set it as his phone background.

A few minutes later, Junsu sat across from him. He sat a muffin in front of him. “Eat. You’re shaking.”

“Thank you,” Yoochun said and tore off a piece. He hadn’t realized he hadn’t eaten since yesterday.

“Okay, so.”

“I like her,” Yoochun said quickly. “Or … him, I don’t know. What do I call her?”

Junsu’s lips quirked up. “Her. She’s living as a woman.”

“Okay, her. I like her.”

“Have you heard of gender identity disorder?”

Yoochun shook his head. “No.”

“Well, according to Jaehwa’s therapist, she has this. But it’s not really fair to call it a disorder. Jaehwa isn’t crazy. She isn’t doing this because she has some mental illness. There is a lot of controversy surrounding gender dysphoria, and the boundaries of gender are still being debated. Is it a physical thing or is it a mental thing? For Jaehwa, it’s a mental thing.”

“Gender dysphoria?”

“That just means that you hate the gender you were born with and you can’t relate to it. Jaehwa doesn’t know how to be a guy even though she was born as a guy. Her birth name is Kim Jaejoong, and she has eight older sisters. Her therapist says that her sisters influenced her at a young age and that is the reason why Jaehwa is like this.”

“Why is she going to a therapist that is telling her she’s wrong?”

Junsu looked at him and tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

Yoochun glanced away from the intense look and shrugged. “If she’s paying someone to ‘help’ her, then why is she going to someone who says she has a disorder?”

“You’ll have to ask her that,” Junsu said. “I’ve been trying to stop her from going to that douche for about a year now. But she says that his opinions make her think. I think she’s just torturing herself.”

“So it’s not because she has eight older sisters?”

Junsu shook his head. “No. By that reasoning, I should be straight and religious because my perfectly pious twin brother is. People are different. And she’s most definitely different. She has a hard time explaining it to people. She has never felt like a boy. When she was about seven, her father took away all of her girl things and forced her to look like a boy. Her hair was buzzed and she wore jeans and t-shirts. Anything that was deemed feminine was taken away from her. When I met Jaejoong, I knew he was miserable.”

“It’s hard for me to even think of her as a guy.”

“That’s good. She’ll be happy about that. I always thought she acted strange in school, because she wasn’t like all the other guys. By the time I was thirteen, I was having my own issues with trying to figure out why I thought our math teacher was sexy. I asked her about it, and she said that I was probably gay, and she said she thought she might be too, so we started fooling around with each other. The next year, she told me that she thought she was supposed to be a girl. I was confused because if she was a girl then was I really gay? But she laughed at me and said that of course I was gay. At sixteen, her father disowned her. She started letting her hair grow and wore makeup and cuter clothes. A lot of people at school hated her and ridiculed her and a lot of times she’d come to my house covered in bruises either from the boys at school or her dad. Her mom was very worried about her, and when she finished school, her mom did everything she could to help her go to university and move away from her abusive father. She begged me to come with her, and well, now here we are, six years later.”

Yoochun stared, wide eyed at Junsu’s story. His mind tried to process it all. He tried to think of Jaehwa with short hair, in guy’s clothes, and couldn’t.

“Jaehwa takes very low dosages of hormones,” Junsu continued. “She doesn’t like the way they make her feel, but the low dosages help her stay slim and feminine. She likes to be healthy, and works out as I’m sure you’ve noticed. But not to the point that we do. She never went through puberty like all the boys did, or at least, not as harshly. Her voice never changed, she got taller, but not much. It’s like her body fought with her mind, that even though she’s female, her body tried to turn her into a guy, but gave up halfway. She’s always worried about having some late form of puberty, but at this point, she probably won’t. At least, that’s what her doctor says.”

Junsu sighed. “I’m not sure how much she wants me to tell you, and I think she should be telling you this, but she’s a mess right now, and you need to know everything before you decide if you want to continue dating her. Yes, she has a penis.”

Yoochun held up a hand and said, “Wait. I … realize that, but … This is weird talking about this with you.”

Junsu smirked. “It shouldn’t be. I am her best friend. And we love each other.”

“So why aren’t you dating her?”

“I told you before, she’s a little too feminine for me. And she’s not gay.”

Yoochun’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Huh?”

“She’s not gay. Jaehwa sees herself as female, and she is attracted to males. So therefore, she isn’t gay. She isn’t attracted to women at all.”

“Oh god, that’s confusing.”

“It really is.”

“So am I gay?”

Junsu shrugged. “I don’t think so. You’re attracted to Jaehwa and Jaehwa is a girl. So no.”

“But she does have …” Yoochun couldn’t bring himself to say it and gestured at his lap.

Junsu nodded. “Yes. She isn’t sure if she wants surgery or not. It’s a long process, and she’s afraid of hospitals and needles. Some days she says she just wants to take a pair of scissors to herself.”

Yoochun winced. “Ouch.”

“Yeah. So now what?”

Yoochun let out a heavy breath. “Is it okay if I’m not sure?”

“Yes. But don’t string her along. She really likes you.”

“I really like her.”

“Are you worried about what everyone will say?”

“No. She’s a she, right? And only a few people know. It’d be incredibly dick-ish of me to introduce her as my boyfriend.”

Junsu snorted. “Yes, it would.”

“Right now the only thing I’m worried about is Jaehwa.”

“If you weren’t, I wouldn’t be talking to you.”

“She said she had a boyfriend before.”

“Yunho. He is really nice.” Junsu smiled. “Usually, guys give up on her. You were beyond persistent, even more so than Yunho was. After a couple of weeks of being shot down, guys usually ditch Jaehwa for someone else. She does that on purpose obviously. Only you and Yunho have ever been deemed worthy enough to know her secret.”

“What happened with them?”

“Same thing that happens with a lot of couples. They grew apart. It had nothing to do with Jaehwa’s physical attributes. They dated for a year and a half. They’re still friends. Sort of. Yunho will come in here every now and then and make sure Jaehwa is doing okay. She told him about you a couple months ago, and he’s really happy for her, and he hopes you treat her well like he did.”

Yoochun didn’t know how to reply to that. He picked at his empty muffin wrapper, unaware that he had even eaten the entire thing.

Junsu rolled his eyes and took out a set of keys from his pocket. “I can’t believe I’m doing this, and Jaehwa might kill me.” He removed a key from the ring and gave it to Yoochun. “I know I told you to wait until tomorrow, but I don’t think that would be good for either of you. I want that back tonight.”

Yoochun took the key carefully.

“It’s the apartment key. Just let yourself in. Jaehwa is either drunk off her ass on the couch, or she’s in the bathroom singing SHINee songs while she soaks in a bubble bath.”

Yoochun chuckled at the conflicting images, but imaging Jaehwa in either of those situations was funny.

“Don’t fuck this up,” Junsu said and stood up abruptly to go back to work.

Yoochun stared at the key for a moment and then stood up, put his jacket on and slipped the key into his pocket. He shared one more look with Junsu and then headed out of the café. He was worried that Jaehwa wouldn’t think he was serious about her. He was worried that even after all this time, he’d be shot down. The rain had stopped and settled into humid air.

He took out his phone, googled “gender identity disorder” and read the Wikipedia page while walking. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gender_identity_disorder>

It was very confusing, especially the history of it. Before yesterday, Yoochun had thought there were males and females. Gays and straights. But if you didn’t feel male and felt female, but you were attracted to males then what did that make you? Or if you were male, and felt female, but you liked women, were you gay, or were you straight?

Yoochun was learning really fast that gender was not as black and white as it seemed. Everything was full of gray areas. He even read a part where a male who felt like a female had the same brain patterns and set up as a female, even if he had a cock and balls.

Why was gender dictated by what was on the outside when everyone else wanted to be known for what was on the inside?

By the time, Yoochun arrived at Junsu and Jaehwa’s apartment, he came to the conclusion that the world was a fucked up place when it came to forcing people to live in the confines of society.

He typed in the door code and let himself into the building. His legs felt like jelly as he trudged up the three flights of stairs. He thought of knocking and instead used the key Junsu had given him. The door opened and his ears were assailed by loud pop music. SHINee.

With a chuckle, he let the door shut and went on a search for his girlfriend.

Jaehwa wasn’t in the bathroom or drunk on the couch. She was in the kitchen, dancing to _Lucifer_ with a plate full of chocolate cake in her hands.

Yoochun leaned against the doorway and watched her dance for a moment, smiling as his heart clenched. He really did love her. No matter who she said she was. And god, she was sexy. All she was wearing were a small pair of blue shorts and an oversized orange t-shirt that hung off one smooth shoulder. Her hair was loose, and still wet, like she’d just climbed from the bathtub. Her long legs were pale and tempting. Even like this, practically naked, and she looked nothing like a boy.

She spun, brought the fork to her mouth and caught sight of him and froze.

Yoochun smiled and walked into the kitchen. She meeped and took a step back, but not too far. Yoochun gently took the cake from her hands and set it on the table.

“That will go right to your hips, darling,” he whispered, and then cupped her face.

Her fleeting smile fell, and she meeped again just before their lips met. Yoochun realized he probably shouldn’t have done that, but Jaehwa did not pull away. Yoochun kept the press of lips for only a few seconds and then slowly withdrew. He never wanted to stop kissing her.

“Why are you so cute?” he whispered and touched her cheek.

Jaehwa blushed and ducked her head. And then her eyes went wide and she shouted, “Oh my god, I’m going to kill Junsu!” before tearing away from him and running down the hall. A door slammed and the music cut off.

Yoochun stood where she left him in shock. He heard loud muttering, and Junsu’s name again, and realized that Jaehwa had called him on the phone. Yoochun snagged a bite of the cake and then went to the living room to wait for her. His phone buzzed.

From: **Junsu**  
YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO KISS HER, YOU IDIOT

Yoochun laughed and replied.

From: **Yoochun**  
I’m sure if you walked in on her dancing and singing to Lucifer and eating chocolate cake, you would have kissed her to.

From: **Junsu**  
Okay … you have a point …

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	3. The Wait

A throat cleared behind him and Yoochun turned as Jaehwa walked into the living room. She had put on Hello-Kitty sleep pants and a pink hoody. Her long hair was pulled back in a messy ponytail. Her cheeks were almost as pink as her clothes. She sank into the opposite side of the couch and pulled her legs up to her chest.

Yoochun turned and sat cross-legged. He held out his hand, but she only looked at it.

“Jaehwa,” he said and she shook her head so he shut up.

She bit her lower lip and chanced a glance up at him.

Yoochun smiled.

“You’re not mad?” she asked, voice barely above a whisper.

“Why would I be mad?”

“I lied to you.”

“Not technically.”

“Yes, well, technically, I have a penis.”

“And technically, you look adorable in those pants.”

She finally lifted her face to glare at him for making a joke.

Yoochun shook his head. “I don’t think you lied to me. You’ve never once acted differently than who and what you are.”

“And what am I? What do you think I am?”

Yoochun grinned and leaned forward. Jaehwa’s chest hitched, but she didn’t try to move away as he crawled over the couch to her. “I think you are a very pretty girl and your lips taste like lemon.”

Her eyes shut, and two tears dripped down her cheeks. “Really?”

“Yes, really.”

“You don’t think I’m a freak?”

“Well, I’d have to question your taste in music, but no, you’re not a freak.” Yoochun wiped the tears off her cheeks. He planned on kissing her again, but Jaehwa took a deep breath and collapsed into him, clutching at his t-shirt. Yoochun settled back on the couch, pulling Jaehwa down with him. Very lightly, Yoochun loosened the ponytail and ran his hands through her half wet hair.

“Junsu explained some things to me,” Yoochun said, “and I’ve been thinking and reading about some things, and none of it changes the fact that I like you. I think I’ve spent the last eight months proving that.”

“Really, Chunnie-ah?” She sounded like she couldn’t quite believe it.

Yoochun chuckled. “Yes, really.”

His phone suddenly vibrated and he reached for where he left it on the couch.

From: **Junsu**  
DON’T YOU DARE HAVE SEX WITH HER YOU PLAYBOY CASSANOVA

“Your best friend is very protective of you,” he said.

Jaehwa took the phone and read the message and rolled her eyes. She started replying to his text, but Yoochun took the phone from her hands. She looked up at him, and then blushed at the look in his eyes. She wasn’t wearing contacts, just natural brown beautifulness of her eyes. And no makeup. Her skin was beyond perfect. He touched her cheek.

“Can I kiss you again?” Yoochun whispered, leaning down to do just that, but going slow enough that she could move if she wanted to.

Their lips touched. She whimpered and clutched at his wrists. She stayed tense for a long time, but Yoochun refused to give up, or let her go. Very gently, he moved his lips, opening them slightly so they covered her bottom lip, and then Jaehwa moaned, pushed him back and he fell to the couch in surprise. Before he had a chance to apologize, Jaehwa was over him, straddling his waist, hands clutched in his t-shirt. She licked her lips, drawing a moan from Yoochun and then leaned down and practically ate his mouth.

Yoochun had no problem with that. It’d been months since he last properly kissed a girl. He wrapped his arms around her, but when he tried to pull their bodies together, she resisted. Yoochun whimpered and tugged at her hips anyway. He felt her smile, but she stayed above him, and kept kissing him. Biting his lips. Licking his teeth and the roof of his mouth. If it’d been months since he last kissed someone, he wondered how long it had been for her.

Yoochun slid his hands up her back. They caught on her hoody and he almost pushed them under, but decided against it. He slid them over soft cloth and then let them tangle in her loose hair. Holding her firmly, he finally took over the kiss, lifting his head and pulling her down to dig his tongue deeper into her mouth. Jaehwa moaned, and her arms shook from the effort of holding herself up.

Yoochun pulled back, licking the last bit of lemon gloss from her lips. “Please, just … relax.”

Jaehwa bit her lower lip just as Yoochun licked at it. She sighed, eyes shut and let her body fall into Yoochun’s. He smiled and put his arms around her back, this time letting them hit skin, under her hoody. Even the skin of her back was perfectly smooth. Yoochun ran his hands up and down, all around it, lips never leaving hers. They shifted again, and Yoochun almost pulled his hips back, and then decided not to. He was hard as a rock and he wanted Jaehwa to feel it and know that it was because of her.

And if Yoochun hadn’t been thinking about it, there wasn’t much chance of him noticing the small bulge pressed against his leg. His body quivered, because seriously, he was making out with a guy, but as soon as that thought hit him, he dismissed it. He wasn’t kissing a guy. He was kissing Jaehwa.

But he obviously didn’t get rid of the thought fast enough.

Jaehwa gasped and pulled away from him violently. She pushed up and went back to being curled up in a ball. Her back heaved with deep breaths.

“Jae-“

She shook her head. “You … I … can’t do this. Not if you’re …”

“You’re going to have to let me get used to this,” Yoochun said.

Jaehwa sniffed, but nodded.

Yoochun moved to her and put his arms around her body. She buried her face in her arms. He hooked his leg over her arm and scooted close to her. His erection pressed against the back of her thigh. “If I didn’t want this, or if I thought you were gross or something, you think I’d still be hard?”

Jaehwa froze, and then very lightly pushed back against his body. Yoochun moaned and put his face at her neck. His arm wrapped around her waist and he held her, support for the tiny thrusts against her thigh. She turned her head and their lips met again. Softly though. Yoochun knew the moment was over and he pulled back. He rubbed their noses together, and she smiled and kissed him quickly.

“Let me brush your hair,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa paused and then nodded. “Okay.”

Reluctantly, Yoochun released her and she stood up. She kept her eyes lowered, almost embarrassed, and Yoochun glanced at her crotch. There was barely a bulge there, and again, if he hadn’t been looking for it, he might not have noticed it at all. How tiny was this guy?

Yoochun figured he was going to have to wait to find out. Maybe even four more months. Could he go another four months without sex? For Jaehwa, he could. He wanted her to feel comfortable. And if he was honest with himself, he had to get used to the idea that his girlfriend had a dick. Saying he was okay with it and being okay with it were definitely two differently things. Everything was going to be more complicated now. Every step of their relationship was going to take longer.

With a groan, he leaned back on the couch.

“Hate me yet?” Jaehwa asked.

Yoochun pried open an eye and shook his head. She’d changed again, or she’d just taken off the hoody. Now all she wore on her upper body was a purple spaghetti-strap tank top. It was the first time he’d seen her in so little. Her collarbones stuck out a little more than normal girls and her chest was flatter than normal. Yoochun ached to touch her.

“Sexually frustrated,” he finally said after her cheeks had turned pink from his staring.

She smiled and held out her brush. Yoochun took it from her and sat straight. She used his knees and lowered herself to the floor, between his legs. Yoochun carefully brushed her hair. He had no sisters, and his younger brother would smack him if he tried to brush his hair. It was soft and silky and smelled like flowers. When the tangles were out and the locks more or less dry, Yoochun brought them up to his face.

“You’re so corny sometimes,” Jaehwa said and turned to look at him.

Yoochun grinned. “You make me loopy and stupid.”

“Yeah, that is so not my fault,” she said and leaned her cheek on Yoochun’s knee. “Now what?”

Yoochun put his hands under her arms and pulled her up enough for a kiss. “Go get dressed and let me take you to dinner.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**February 2012**

Yoochun was wrong. It didn’t take four months for their relationship to go to the next level, just three. And it was agonizing. Jaehwa still became embarrassed when they made out, and she still refused to tell Yoochun what to do and how to do it and when to do it. If Jaehwa had a female body, he’d have no problems, but the girl was being frustrating and wouldn’t talk to him about sex.

As a last resort, he went to Junsu.

“I need to talk to you,” Yoochun said.

Junsu snorted. “I was wondering how long it would take for you to come to me.”

“Please, I’m desperate.”

“Yeah, I can tell, and so can anyone else who knows you. How long has it been since you’ve gotten laid?”

“Over a year now.”

“Man.”

“Just help me out, please. She won’t talk to me about it.”

Junsu pondered him for a moment and then smirked. “Fine. But one condition.”

“What?”

“Hook me up with your friend Changmin.”

“He’s straight.”

“Sure, he is.”

“Junsu, trust me.”

“And trust me when I say I’ve seen him stare at my ass.”

“That’s because your ass is huge. I stare at your ass.”

Junsu raised his eyebrows.

“Fine, fine. I’ll give you his number.” Yoochun pulled out his phone and scanned down to his contacts list. He took the pen from Junsu and wrote Changmin’s number on a napkin. “He’s a bastard, just FYI.”

“I like my men feisty.” He folded the napkin and put it in his pocket.

Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Okay. Talk.”

“I can’t help you.”

“Junsu!”

“But Yunho can. Look, Yoochun. Remember. I dated her when we were in high school. When she was still Jaejoong. I don’t know what she wants now. But Yunho will. A number for a number.” Junsu wrote a number down on a napkin and gave it to him. “Call him. He wants to meet you anyway.”

Yoochun stared at the number and made a face. He really did not want to call Jaehwa’s ex-boyfriend.

“Now, do you want coffee or not?”

Yoochun nodded absently. He waited until Junsu had put his coffee in a to-go cup and then he left the café. He had plans to meet Jaehwa for a marathon of chick flicks that he was going to fall asleep during. But sometimes, when he fell asleep, Jaehwa woke him up with kisses and that was worth the bad movies. On the way there, he called the number.

A deep voice said, “This is Jung Yunho,” after only two rings.

“Um, hi. This … this is Park Yoochun, and—“

“Yoochun-shi! Hey. Junsu said you’d be calling me soon.”

“Damn that kid,” Yoochun muttered.

Yunho chuckled. “Yeah. He’s an overprotective bastard, but that also means he knows what Jaehwa wants and how to get her to cooperate.”

“That sounds really bad.”

“But true. Do you want to meet today?”

“I can’t. Chick flick marathon.”

“Ah, you poor man.”

“Jaehwa makes it worth it.”

“Indeed she does.”

“I have classes until two tomorrow.”

“I’ll meet you at the campus café then. The one in the business building.”

“I’ll be there.”

“Jaehwa really likes you, Yoochun-shi. Be patient with her.”

“I am. I really like her, too.”

“See you tomorrow.”

Yoochun hung up with a sigh.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

The next day, Yoochun met Yunho and immediately felt insecure and incomparable. Just by his looks, Yoochun could see what Jaehwa had seen in him. He was tall and strong, very well built, light brown, spiky hair. He was wearing a tailored, pin-striped suit, and Yoochun wondered if maybe he was a little gay because he was automatically drawn to this man.

Yunho caught sight of him and stood up. He offered his hand and they shook. “It’s good to finally meet you.”

“You, too. I’m going to go order coffee. Something tells me I’m going to want something stronger before the end of this conversation, but an hour and a half of stats class has destroyed my brain, and I need caffeine.”

Yunho laughed. Perfect white teeth. Yoochun’s heart sped up a little bit. How had Jaehwa let this one go? He quickly went to the counter and ordered drip coffee. After the Angel Café, no one could make his latte like Junsu or Jaehwa.

He blew on it before taking a sip and headed back to their table. He settled in his seat and Yunho smiled at him again.

“I’m only telling you this because I still care about Jaehwa. I may not love her anymore, or maybe I didn’t love her at all, or just not enough. But I still worry about her, because … well, you know why. She’s special, Yoochun-shi.”

“I know.”

“I had a very hard time letting her go. I don’t know why, or how, but the passion sort of dissipated between us. How long have you been dating?”

“Dating? About seven months, but it was four months before she finally agreed to go out with me.”

“And how long since you found out about …”

“Three months.”

“Wow. She’s really stringing you along. I had her in bed after five.”

Yoochun made a face. “Lucky bastard.”

Yunho laughed. “I’m sure she’s been so reluctant with you because of me. It really hurt us both when we broke up. We were thinking of moving in together, and then, I don’t know, a month later we broke up. I wish I loved her enough. Have you told her that you love her?”

Yoochun shook his head. “I do though; I just don’t know how she’d react to that confession.”

“You should tell her, before you try anything else. She may be making you wait until you tell her. She can be incredibly devious when she wants to be, but she’s still a woman, who watches way too many love movies.”

“God, don’t I know it.”

“Anyway. The reason why we’re here. I had to go by trial and error with her, she seemed comfortable enough with her body, but she was very worried about me liking it. I did like it, a lot. How far have you gone with her?”

Yoochun sighed. “Maybe second base. Maybe. Kissing, touching above the pants, rarely under her shirt. I try, and she moves away from me.”

Yunho nodded. “Well, that’s probably my fault too. She’s probably keeping herself as protected as she can. You need to tell her you love her, because she isn’t going to just give her body away to someone who doesn’t love her. And trust me, when you get past the first bit of awkwardness, she is going to go crazy on you. She likes to initiate things. She likes being in control, as weird as that sounds. But at the same time, she likes being taken care of, caressed and touched and worshiped.”

Yoochun shifted uncomfortably. “I want to. But she …” He broke off, gesturing with his hand.

Yunho chuckled again and put his elbows on the table. “Let me give you a few pointers. Don’t, I repeat do not, touch her dick. Don’t even try. Don’t rub against it, don’t acknowledge it, don’t even look at it. That’s probably the fastest way to turn her off.”

“That explains a lot, actually.”

Yunho nodded. “Trust me when I say you can make her come without touching it. She hates it when it’s touched. She’s comfortable with her body, but … well, you know how girls are. There’s always that one thing about their body that they hate. This is hers. She also knows that she does not have female parts, so never talk about her pussy or her clit or her breasts. Well, the last one is debatable, but she feels like you’re patronizing her if you tell her stuff like that.”

Yoochun felt the red on his cheeks and tried to keep eye contact. He really wished it was Jaehwa telling him this and not her ex-boyfriend.

“You’re uncomfortable, sorry, but there’s really not an easy way to have this conversation.”

“No, there’s not.”

“You’re not gay, are you?”

Yoochun shook his head. “But I’m learning that ‘gay’ and ‘straight’ are just words.”

“And you’re not bisexual?”

“No.”

Yunho looked down at the table. “That might be a problem. I’m bisexual, so there wasn’t really anything I didn’t like about her body.”

Yoochun looked away.

“You’re uncomfortable with her penis.”

“God, just saying that feels wrong.”

“You’re going to have to get over that. Have you felt her hard?”

Yoochun nodded. “A few times, but … well, sometimes I pull away. I forget she’s … I forget about it until it’s against my thigh.”

“In order for her to accept you, you’re going to have to accept it. She isn’t going to get into bed with you if you cringe away from her, even if she understands why you are. I know. Trust me, I know. You have to make sure you are very willing to give up all your previous knowledge and preconceived ideas about sex. Even gay sex, because in her eyes, she isn’t having gay sex.”

Yoochun sighed and looked at the table top. “Sometimes I think it isn’t worth it, that … I don’t know, but then my heart breaks, thinking of life without her, and I know that it is worth it.”

Yunho nodded. “She is worth it, Yoochun-shi. Even if being with Jaehwa can be frustrating, it can also be amazing. She loves sex, of course, and missionary position is her favorite. She’s a romantic at heart and loves kissing and touching more than she loves sex.”

“So if I can’t touch her, and I can’t … then how the hell do I get her to orgasm?”

Yunho smiled. “Just because you don’t touch her with your hands doesn’t mean that no part of you will. It’s if you draw attention to it. That’s part of the reason why you have to get comfortable with the idea of a dick pressed against you. I think I only actually touched her dick once, in the whole year and a half we dated. She is not well-endowed, at all. Probably the smallest dick I’ve ever seen in my life, but that means it’s easier to rub against and stimulate without actually touching her. She loves to be fingered. You’ll have to figure it out on your own. I really hope that you can make her comfortable with herself. Oh, and she is allergic to latex condoms and hates the non-latex ones, so go get yourself tested.”

Yoochun let out a harsh breath. “So get tested, get rid of my condoms, and tell her I love her.”

“Yep.”

“All right.”

Yunho laughed at his resigned tone. “She likes you, Yoochun-shi. If she didn’t, she never would have gone out with you. And even if she won’t say it, she loves you. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have told you her secret. Do you have plans with her tonight?”

“Yeah. We see each other almost every night.”

Yunho smiled. “You’re lucky, Yoochun-shi. I really wish I could have kept her, but she’s not meant for me. Maybe she’s meant for you.”

“God, I hope so.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	4. The Date

Yoochun waited until he got his clean bill of health before trying to find the courage to tell Jaehwa he loved her. He’d never been in love before; he was terrified of losing everything by confessing. It didn’t help that he still flinched or moved when Jaehwa pressed her body against him. Or she withdrew when their moments together seemed to get too steamy.

But she never said anything, and that frustrated Yoochun more than the sexual frustrations of being left wanting. And when Yoochun tried to talk, she would turn away or leave the room. He knew he loved her, but would love be enough to overcome the physical distance between them?

It also didn’t help that they were both swamped with final projects and final exams. They studied together at the library, because studying anywhere else usually ended up in them making out.

Yoochun should have been focusing on statistics, but his brain and thoughts were on the girl next to him. She was wearing a short fluffy skirt in pale blue and black leggings shoved into combat boots. She wore her favorite army jacket over a bright purple shirt. She had her hair down, and every time she moved to write, it fell in her way. She flipped it back with an annoyed huff.

“I hate it when I don’t have a ponytail holder,” she muttered and gathered her hair and twisted it. “Can I have your pen?”

“Why?”

“You’re not using it and I need it.”

Confused, Yoochun handed it over. She pushed it into the makeshift bun on her head and twisted it again and then again. She released her hair, shook her head and smiled widely when the impromptu hair style stayed in place. A small piece fell and brushed her neck.

That smile was Yoochun’s undoing. He snapped his book closed, shifted his chair closer, and wrapped his leg around hers. He moved the wayward piece of hair, running his fingers up and down her neck. She smiled, and tilted her head to the side to make it easier for him to touch her skin.

And just like that, it was so easy.

“I love you,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa froze for a moment and then focused on her textbook.

“I do,” Yoochun said, still quietly. They weren’t exactly alone in the library, and he had to whisper.

“Why?”

“Why do I love you?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know. Why do I smile whenever I walk into a room and see you? Why does my heart beat faster when you smile back at me? I’ve been in love with you for a long time, but so scared to tell you. But I guess, well, I guess I’m not scared anymore, because you smile when I walk into a room, and your breath still catches when I touch your neck, and—”

She smiled, turned her head, and shut Yoochun up with a kiss. “You’re so corny.”

Yoochun smiled back and ran their cheeks together. With lips against her ear, he said, “I love you.”

This time, he felt the puff of air on his skin, and then her lips moved against his cheek. “I love you.” She turned her head and they kissed again, a little stronger, but restrained, aware of their location.

“Go get me coffee,” she said, pulling away.

Yoochun’s head felt loopy and he grinned, hand against her cheek. “You can’t stay awake with only my love and kisses?”

“I can,” she said. “But not in the library, and certainly not with this many clothes on.”

Yoochun’s breath caught and he watched as Jaehwa’s lips curled in a smirk. It was the first time she had ever said anything that alluded to sex. With a chuckle, Yoochun got up and kissed her cheek and went to go get her a coffee.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**March 2012**

“Well?” Jaehwa demanded and turned in a circle.

Yoochun gaped.

Jaehwa wore a little black dress. The hem hit at her mid thigh, the neckline plunged low. It had cap sleeves, and a bow in the back. And she was in black heels that had a tie wrapped up her calf. He barely noticed the small black purse in her hand.

“Fuck,” Yoochun finally muttered.

Jaehwa laughed and moved to him. Her hair was pulled up in curls and pins that glittered. “Junsu tattled and told me that you bought me something sparkly. Show me.”

Yoochun swallowed and reached into his suit jacket for the jewelry box. “I feel like this is a cliché moment from one of your chick flicks.”

“Yeah, but the guy usually doesn’t have an erection,” she mused and grabbed his crotch.

Yoochun hissed and then moaned as Jaehwa kissed him. The jewelry box landed with a thunk. He wrapped his arms around her waist, almost lifting her as they kissed deeply. Her hand stayed attached to his dick, squeezing, but never stroking.

“God, you’re sexy,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa laughed and pressed their foreheads together. “So are you.”

“Skip dinner?”

“No. I spent a lot of time looking pretty for this dinner.”

“I doubt that,” Yoochun said, kissing her between words. “You’re always pretty.”

“Such a guy.” Her hands slipped into Yoochun’s suit jacket just as her hips twisted dangerously over his crotch.

Yoochun’s knees shook and he moaned, cock pulsing in his pants.

“Such a guy,” she repeated, lips brushing his. “So easy to turn into a pile of goo at my fingertips.”

“Keep it up and I’ll definitely give you a pile of goo at your fingertips.”

Jaehwa laughed and pulled away from him. She smacked him with her purse. “Come on. You can undress me when we get back from dinner.” She moved away, bent over in that tiny dress and flashed Yoochun the back of her thighs. His mouth went dry and he whimpered as she straightened up, the jewelry box in her hands. She opened it and her lips spread in a wide smile.

“Oh, Chunnie-ah, it’s gorgeous.” She picked up the chain of silver. The pendant was rectangular with five diamonds glittering up at her. She dropped the box and reached behind her neck to clasp it. The pendant fell in that dip right between her collarbones. “Does it look okay?”

Yoochun couldn’t even look at the necklace. He nodded. “Perfect.”

Her cheeks went pink and then she smiled, covering her mouth. “Come on. We’ll miss our reservation.”

Yoochun smiled and turned toward the door. There was a nice, long dark blue jacket hanging there, and he took it off the hook. It was suede. “Is this new?”

“No. You just haven’t taken me anywhere worthy of its expensiveness.”

“I’m not treating you right at all, am I?”

Jaehwa smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “You do better than you realize.”

Yoochun held the coat out for her and she slipped it over her shoulders. She shut off all the lights but the entry way and locked the door behind her. Yoochun offered his arm and he escorted her down the stairs.

“Be prepared for another cliché moment,” he said.

“What—“ She caught sight of the limo waiting for them and squealed and danced in her heels on the tile floor. “Oh my god, I love you!” She threw her arms around his neck. “I’ve never been in a limo.”

“I know.”

Jaehwa pulled back and frowned. “This is too expensive.”

“I know it’s cliché to say that nothing is too expensive for you, but …” He smiled at her pout and touched a finger to her nose. “I’ve been saving for this, okay? It’s a special occasion.”

“Most couples celebrate their one year anniversary of their first date. Not of their first meeting.”

“I know, but the day I met the most beautiful angel on Earth should be celebrated.”

Jaehwa smiled and after one more kiss flew across the lobby and out the door. Yoochun followed, smiling as Jaehwa grinned at the limo driver and he checked out her ass when she climbed in. Yoochun held back his laughter and wondered how the driver would react to her secret.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

They drank champagne and ate expensive food and a really expensive piece of chocolate cake. The night put a serious dent in Yoochun’s bank account, but the only thing he focused on was Jaehwa’s smile and laughter and happiness. And the looks she kept getting from other guys.

“Tiger shark at two oh clock keeps looking at you,” Yoochun whispered, lips close to hers.

She grinned. “Barracuda at twelve oh clock is about to get him some. Which do you think I care about?”

Yoochun grinned. “What about this poor little guppy who is trying to get your attention?” He pecked her lips.

“Guppy?” She snorted and licked her lips. “That most definitely wasn’t a guppy I was groping earlier. Come on. Let’s get out of here before we give these patrons a show.”

Yoochun’s smile widened. He stood up, glad that he wasn’t hard. Yet. These thin pants didn’t leave much to the imagination. He held out his hand and Jaehwa took it, letting him pull her to her feet. He again held her jacket for her and with a hand at her back, led her from the restaurant. More than one pair of eyes followed them out. The limo was waiting for them, and they climbed in. Yoochun relaxed, leaning against Jaehwa as it drove toward her apartment.

“Junsu isn’t home, right?” Yoochun whispered, lips against her exposed neck.

She shook her head. “He’s out with Changmin.”

“Again? God, that dongsaeng of mine never tells me anything.”

Jaehwa laughed. “They like each other a lot.”

“Crazy if you ask me. I don’t see how anyone can date Changmin.”

The limo pulled up to Jaehwa’s building, and Yoochun followed her out. He tipped the driver really well (what’s a few more thousand won?) and followed Jaehwa inside. His nerves jumped with every step, his breath shortened. Jaehwa’s hand shook as she unlocked the door.

The apartment was still dimly lit. Jaehwa removed her coat, and Yoochun took off his suit jacket. Her high heels clunked to the tile. The necklace caught the light and sparkled. Yoochun touched it lightly, his other arm snaking around her waist.

“Are you sure, love?” Yoochun whispered just before their lips met.

Jaehwa said nothing but put her arms around Yoochun’s waist and walked backwards toward her bedroom. She peppered his face with kisses. He cupped her ass, fingers hitting skin as the short dress bunched up. Jaehwa smiled at his moan, and then turned in his arms. She opened her bedroom door and led him inside by the hand. She left him in the middle of the dark room, and moved to the dresser to turn on a lamp.

She kept her back to him and carefully removed the necklace. After, she reached behind her to the zipper. Her hands were still shaking, and Yoochun stepped into her, lips against her neck and took over. The teeth of the zipper echoed slowly through the room. Jaehwa shifted her arms out of the sleeves and then pushed the loose dress off her hips.

Yoochun was surprised at the black strapless bra wrapped around her body and his fingers were quick to unhook it.

Jaehwa shivered against him. She turned and their lips met. They both tried to unbutton Yoochun’s shirt, and Yoochun gave up and settled his hands on her naked waist while she slowly undressed him. He was so hard, mind running with too many thoughts. She pulled him to the bed and pressed his shoulders. He reluctantly gave up access to her lips and sat down. She leaned over him, fingers quick to unclasp his pants. She spread them open and Yoochun’s brain caught up with his thoughts and he cupped her cheeks.

“Slow it down, love.”

She smiled and shook her head. She dropped between his legs and shoved a hand into his boxers. Yoochun moaned, cock twitching and ready to explode in seconds. He leaned back on his hands, hips lifting, and Jaehwa yanked his pants and boxers down. Her hand was replaced with her lips and Yoochun gripped her hair tightly, crying out as his hips rose. Jaehwa hummed against the shaft of his erection and then ran her tongue up to the crown.

“Fuck, Jae, Jae, I’m—stop, or I’ll—“

Her fingers curled around his balls and her mouth tightened around the pliant head of his dick and Yoochun gasped and whimpered. His orgasm shot through him. She gagged on the first spurt of come and then took more of his length as he released the rest inside her mouth. She sucked him hard one last time and then crawled up his body, lips and teeth leaving imprints up his body.

Yoochun hovered between coherency and holy-fuck-ery. He tried to be embarrassed for how fast he came, but no sex for more than a year was a pretty good excuse.

Their lips touched and Yoochun wrapped his arms around her body, yanking her on top of him. He struggled to kick off his clothes where they caught on his feet, managing on the third try. He still had his socks on and felt stupid.

With hands on Jaehwa’s hips, he lifted her up and practically tossed her onto the bed. He sat up, pulled his socks off and then turned around. He froze at the beautiful sight of Jaehwa laid out for him, head propped up on a pillow. Her pale skin almost glowed in the light. Her nipples were a dusky pink, and her waist so tiny. She still wore a pair of black boyshorts, but they were tight, and didn’t hide much.

Yoochun remembered Yunho’s advice though and didn’t stare, even thought he was beyond curious. Her chest rose and fell with panicked breaths. And Yoochun knew that was the first order of business: calm her down.

He kneeled at the end of the bed and lifted her foot. Carefully, he ran his hand up her calf muscle and his lips molded around her ankle. She shivered, gasping his name as his hand slid down her inner thigh. He stopped at the hem of the shorts and then ran his hand the other way. Shuffling closer, he hooked that leg around his hip, and then reached for the other. It received the same treatment and ended up in the same place. He let his eyes rove over her body once and then fell forward, hands on either side of her head. Normally, he’d grind his hips down, but he kept them still.

“Are you okay, beautiful?” he whispered.

She nodded frantically, but her eyes still looked panicked.

Yoochun kissed her nose.

She jerked in surprise, and then laughed. He did it again, and then rubbed their noses together. Her hands encircled his back and she tilted her head up for a kiss. He very willingly gave it to her, and he kissed her until she relaxed.

“Thank you,” she whispered against his lips, and Yoochun smiled. There was no need to say anything else.

Yoochun slowed the kiss down, pressing a tongue against hers but not forcing it into her mouth. He nibbled on her lips, because she loved that. And then pressed their foreheads together.

“I love you,” he whispered.

She smiled and kissed his nose. “I love you, too.”

They kissed again, and again, and Yoochun did his best not to whimper when Jaehwa shoved him to the side. He fell with an oof, and barely had time to catch his breath before she was straddling his lap. His eyes dropped to the black shorts only once and then he propped up on a hand. He used the other to twist a nipple between his fingers. She tilted her head back, mouth open in a gasp, eyes shut.

Yoochun wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her forward until his mouth replaced his fingers. He licked at her nipple and cupped the other in his hand. She had a tiny curve of a breast, enough for Yoochun to focus his attention on it. He felt the hump of an erection on his stomach, but said nothing, just transferred whatever panic started to rise into the actions of his mouth, and he sucked and bit down on her nipple a little harder. Her hips canted forward with a moan.

“You like that?” he whispered, rolling his eyes up to meet her gaze.

She nodded, eyes blown with lust, and gasped when he moved his mouth to the other nipple. He bathed them in attention, back and forth, bringing her closer and closer to him. Her front kept moving, pressing against him. Testing, he dropped his hand from her back to her ass, squeezing lightly. She whimpered and her tiny thrusts sped up. He curled his fingers around the curve of her ass, fingers sliding on the smooth panties. She gasped, panting as Yoochun covered her chest in red splotches. Fingers grabbed his hair and yanked his head back. Her body shuddered and she slammed their lips together, whimpering and shaking in his arms. It seemed like Yoochun wasn’t the only one quick to come.

Yoochun was ready to hold her tightly, pull their bodies flush, but she jerked away suddenly, turning away completely. Her back rose and fell. Yoochun ran his hand over her skin.

“Love?”

She shook her head, trying to control her breathing. Yoochun kissed her shoulder.

“Don’t move,” she said. “Please.”

Yoochun nodded. “I won’t.”

She slipped out from under his arm and off the bed, back facing him. Her skin was a beautiful shade of pink. She hooked her fingers in the panties and pushed them over her hips, revealing a pale ass. His gaze went to the panties, and he swallowed seeing a familiar white stain.

In the next moment, she was across the room, dousing the light. Yoochun blinked against the sudden darkness. Her shadow moved to her dresser, clothes rustled, and then the bed dipped.

Yoochun was so confused, and his dick was still so hard. Jaehwa settled against him, breathing fast. She was expecting … something … She was probably expecting him to leave. He wanted to reassure her, but didn’t know how with words.

Yoochun found her face in the dark with his hands. He leaned down, missed her lips the first time, but moved over and kissed her gently. “Too much?” he whispered.

Jaehwa shook her head, dark hair falling over his chest. “Just … just … I don’t know. It’s e-e-embarrassing.”

Yoochun smiled in the dark and rubbed their noses together. “Really? I thought it was hot.”

She snorted.

“What? I did.” His hand trailed down her spine. He frowned when he hit sweatpants, but instead of going over them, he went under them and cupped her bare ass. “You’re sexy. And god, you’re beautiful when you come, your body taut and skin shivering. Amazing.”

She buried her face in his chest and shook her head.

Yoochun decided to leave it. He kissed her forehead, but instead of moving his hand, he kept it right on her ass and squeezed lightly. He let his other hand run through her long hair. His eyes shut and he took deep breaths to calm himself down. When shaking lips pressed against his collarbone, he smiled and whispered, “I love you,” again.

Jaehwa took another deep breath, and whispered her reply into his skin.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	5. The Setback

Yoochun woke up under a heavy blanket. He smiled, remembering probably the best date he’d ever had and rolled over. To an empty bed.

He frowned, and sat up, blinking life into his eyes. At least he was still in Jaehwa’s bed, and she hadn’t kicked him out. He got up and realized he was still naked. All he had here were his dress slacks. He picked up his boxers from the floor and slipped them on. He went to Jaehwa’s dresser and dug around, looking for pajama bottoms that might fit him. He found a blue pair with skulls all over them. They definitely were too big for her, and he wondered for a moment if they had been Yunho’s. Shrugging, he pulled them on, and then carefully opened the door.

There was noise coming from the kitchen. He made his way there and found Jaehwa dancing again. She had earbuds in and she lip-synched as her hips swayed back and forth. Her hair was up in a bun and she bobbed her head back and forth with the beat. She was at the stove, stirring something.

And something stirred in Yoochun’s pants as he watched that ass shimmy in short pink shorts. She was wearing a skimpy green lacy tank top. She spotted him as soon as he moved into the kitchen, she smiled and he smiled and then gathered her up against his body. His hands easily found her ass and he pulled her tightly against him, kissing her deeply.

She froze for a moment and then kissed him back.

“You’re going to make me ruin your breakfast,” she said.

“Hmm, want you for breakfast.”

She laughed and pushed him away. He moved, but only around her back, so she was pressed against her chest. His hand slipped under the band of the shorts, and his fingers caressed the dip of her hip. She shivered, but not in a good way, and he hastily moved them up, under her tank top and against her flat stomach. But the damage was done and she squirmed out of his hold, no longer smiling, and went back to the stove.

“I’m sorry,” Yoochun said quickly.

She smiled slightly and shook her head. “Not your fault.”

“It is if I make you uncomfortable.”

“And you’re not uncomfortable?”

“No.”

Jaehwa spun around. “This doesn’t make you uncomfortable?” She ran her hand around her front, and Yoochun glanced down at the erection making a tiny tent in the shorts.

“N-no,” he said, voice shaking, and looked back at her face.

She cringed and turned back to the stove.

Yoochun stepped toward her, but her body tensed and he stopped. He wasn’t sure how to have this conversation. Yunho didn’t give him any pointers on this, and he hadn’t expected to have it for awhile, especially after last night.

After a moment, she nodded and went back to the stove. Yoochun wondered what to do now. She pointed to a coffee maker, and he sighed and went about fixing himself a cup. She had made them omelets and toast, and he ate everything on his plate. She picked at her food for a little while.

Yoochun frowned, wanting to see her smile. He took her fork, and she looked up, confused. With a smile, he put a bite of omelet on the fork and then held it up for her. She gave him a very long suffering “what the hell are you doing” look.

“Open up for the train,” he said and made choo choo noise while moving the fork to her mouth.

She burst into surprised laughter and curled into his body. Their legs wrapped together. Yoochun set the fork down and held her.

“Oh, god, why do I love you?” she asked.

Yoochun ran his hands up and down her back. “Because I am adorable.”

“That you are. And you’re a brat.”

“Can this adorable brat use your shower?”

“Yes.” She pulled away, arms around his shoulders and frowned. “You’re not leaving, are you?”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No.”

“Okay. What do you want?”

Jaehwa bit her lower lip.

“Consider today an extension of yesterday’s date.”

“Movies?” she said, hopeful.

Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Fine, but you can’t change your clothes. Those are my new favorite pair of shorts.”

“Damn. Okay.”

Yoochun pressed a kiss to her lips and then stood up. “And eat your breakfast. It’s really good.”

Jaehwa laughed and swatted his ass as he walked by.

Yoochun took a quick shower and put the same sleep pants back on. He went into the living room and found Jaehwa already there, curled up under her fluffy rainbow blanket that Junsu had given her when they were seventeen.

She smiled up at him and moved so he could climb in behind her. There was already some sappy love story playing, and instead of watching it, Yoochun put his face at Jaehwa’s neck and shut his eyes.

“You’re not watching it,” Jaehwa whined.

“Nope. I’m focusing on the most important, beautiful thing in the room.”

Jaehwa snorted, but didn’t protest when Yoochun’s arm dropped over her middle. His fingers played with the top of the shorts, but he did not try to go under them this time.

“You’re distracting,” she said a few minutes later and rolled over to face him.

Yoochun noticed that she pulled her hips away from his, but his hand was now on her ass. Those little shorts rode up and he brushed his fingers over the bare curve of her ass. She shivered, fingers clenching against his chest.

“Chunnie-ah.” Her mouth opened with a quiet moan and Yoochun leaned forward to lick at her lips. He got a better grip on her ass, his own breath catching as his fingers dipped into the cleft. She whimpered, pushing back on his hand. Yoochun didn’t think she was protesting. He moved his fingers lightly, testing and when she moaned, he went further. Her leg lifted, knee bent, and settled over his thigh, spreading herself, and Yoochun moaned into their kiss when the tips of his fingers rubbed over her puckered entrance. He moved his other hand, to hold her steady, but she shook her head.

Jaehwa took his wrist in her hand and opened her mouth. Her tongue swirled over his finger, over and over. Their eyes locked and Yoochun swallowed roughly.

“Please, please. Please.”

Yoochun nodded and licked at her tongue as she licked his finger. She gasped and kissed him. He pulled his hand away from her mouth and slipped it under the blanket. She moved a little closer to him, and her entire body shook as his slick finger found her cleft. He ran it lightly over her entrance, listening to her whine. Her leg moved up, pretty much to his waist, and Yoochun decided he could tease her later. He pressed the pad of his finger into her body. She froze, hissing and then relaxing and muttering for more.

Yoochun kissed her, eager tongue and lips fighting over and around each other. His finger moved at a slower pace, in and out, shallow and quick. It was too dry, so he pulled his finger back, added more spit to it and then pushed it in deeper. He spun it around, twisting and probing, deeper.

“A-another, please, another one.”

Yoochun gripped her ass tightly, more for his support than hers, and a second finger pushed inside her tight body. He slowed, feeling the drag. He wanted to get his fingers wet again, but her body was shuddering under his touches, her mouth open and closing silently. Every inch of her was on high alert, twitching. Her pale skin flushed with heat and pleasure. She closed her mouth around Yoochun’s shoulder, shaking roughly.

Yoochun rubbed her ass with his other hand, down her thigh, and very carefully, he spread his fingers as he pulled them out, twisting as he pushed them back in.

Jaehwa keened, noise muffled but alluring, and after only a few more touches of his fingers deep inside her, she shook, gasped and jerked, panting through her orgasm.

Yoochun smiled when her body went slack and she slumped against him, inhaling deeply. He kissed her forehead, her cheek. He moved his fingers, grinning as her body tightened around them. And then she froze and tried to move away.

“Don’t hide from me, please,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa kept her face hidden and shook her head.

Yoochun sighed and let her roll off the couch. She landed roughly, and then scrambled out of the living room. Yoochun let out a frustrated breath. His eyes fell on the television. The main characters were kissing for the first time.

After Jaehwa did not reappear for five minutes, Yoochun stood up. He found her in her bed, curled up with a pillow, crying. Yoochun climbed into the bed with her, ignoring the way she tensed up.

“My love, please,” Yoochun whispered, curling up behind her.

He said nothing else and held her until her tears stopped.

“This is so hard,” she whispered.

“Why?”

“Because … because …” She blew hair out of her face and let him wipe her tears. “It feels like … feels like it’s too good to be true, and no matter how great everything is, you’re not really … you don’t really …”

“I love you.”

Jaehwa sighed. “I know, but for how long?” She finally turned, lay on her back and then faced him. Her fingers gripped the top of the sleep pants. “These are Yunho’s.”

“I figured,” Yoochun said. “Did he tell you that we had a chat a few weeks ago?”

She pulled away, eyes wide. “You … and him, and … you talked to each other?”

“Blame Junsu.”

She snorted. “I blame Junsu for a lot of things. What did you talk to Yunho about?”

“You.”

“Well, duh.”

“And sex.”

She blushed and looked away. “And?”

“And it didn’t change anything, and only made me want you more.” Yoochun kissed her. She responded slowly and they kissed for a long time. Yoochun kept his hands above her pants.

“I love you,” Yoochun said and moved hair from her face.

She finally smiled and said, “I love you, but … but I’m really afraid of scaring you off.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of too,” Yoochun said. “I want you to tell me if I do something that you don’t like. I don’t want to have to guess.”

“I’ll try.” She made a face and rubbed her cheeks. “God, I feel gross.”

“You’re welcome.”

Jaehwa laughed. “I’m going to go take a shower. Promise you won’t leave?”

“I promise I won’t leave.”

Jaehwa bit her lip and then nodded. She pressed a kiss to Yoochun’s lips and then rolled out of bed. Yoochun’s eyes found the stain on her pink shorts, and then he looked up at the rest of her body.

Jaehwa was watching him. Her hands hooked under the hem of her tank top and she lifted it over her head. Shaking, she took off the shorts, not turning away from him this time.

Yoochun held his breath and his heart sped up, thumping in his chest. The shorts were gone, and she turned away and left the room, leaving him very breathless.

Yunho was right about one thing, her penis was really small. But small or not, it was still there.

Yoochun let out the breath he was holding and covered his face. His dick had been hard most of the day, from her touches and teasing, but now … now that he had the image of a penis in his mind, a penis on his girlfriend’s body, his erection was evaporating. He cupped his cock, but it stayed stubbornly soft.

With a frustrated growl, he rolled off the bed. He wanted to run away, think about this, but he promised Jaehwa he wouldn’t. He suddenly understood her fears about him leaving, about this not working out.

It didn’t seem like it would be a problem before, but Yoochun had been deluding himself. He was not attracted to men. He was attracted to women, and to a woman’s body. Jaehwa did not have a woman’s body. The breast thing wasn’t a big deal because not all women had big boobs, but it was everything else. Yoochun loved eating a girl out, sliding fingers into a slick wet pussy. Pushing his dick in and feeling her muscles clamp around him.

He wouldn’t have that with Jaehwa.

Yes, he’d come last night with her, but that was from a blow job, and after over a year of nothing. He wanted it to be because of her. And that wasn’t fair. It was because of her. He loved her.

He stalked to her dresser and in the drawer he found the pants in, found a threadbare tank top. He thought of putting it on and then decided he didn’t want to remind Jaehwa of Yunho even more. So instead, he found one of her pajama shirts, an oversized thing with Sailor Moon on it. He slipped it over his body.

Yoochun went to the kitchen and tried to think about this. He gripped the counter, knuckles white. He loved her, more than he’d ever loved anyone before. But was that enough? Would he be able to accept her the way she was, penis and all? It was easier to say yes to that question before he actually saw it. It was easy to say yes when he ignored its existence.

“You’re frowning,” Jaehwa whispered behind him.

He turned and wanted to smile. She was wearing a yellow tank top and sweatpants. Her hair was wrapped in a towel on top of her head.

“We really need to talk,” Yoochun said and moved toward her.

Her face filled with alarm, and her lower lip quivered.

“Don’t cry,” Yoochun said quickly. “Not … don’t think …”

He tried to grab her, but she spun out of his arms and a moment later her bedroom door slammed. He sighed and knocked. “Jaehwa? Let me in.”

She didn’t answer.

“Look, you don’t talk to me, you don’t tell me how you’re feeling. I can’t read your mind, you know. I said I need to talk to you because I do. I don’t know how to do this. I love you, I love you so much, but … I’m not gay, Jaehwa, and I know you’re a girl, and you’re very pretty, and I love everything about you. But you have a dick, and I’m sorry if I find that a little off putting. It doesn’t help that you hate it too. I can’t … I can’t do this if you never let me touch you, if you don’t let me explore you. It’s part of you, and part of who you are, and I want to love all of you.”

Yoochun broke off and sighed. He leaned his head on the cool wooden door. “Please talk to me.”

Minutes passed, and Yoochun didn’t know what to say, but he didn’t want to leave, and he had promised Jaehwa he wouldn’t. He leaned against the wall by the door and slid down it, eyes shut. He hadn’t cried for a very long time, and wondered if he would now. His heart hurt enough that he might. He’d betrayed her in a way. But she had to understand that this was difficult for him.

Yoochun had no idea how much time had passed before he heard the front door open. Footsteps came down the hall, and Junsu stopped, surprised to see him.

“What did you do?”

“I don’t even know,” Yoochun said, voice raspy. “She won’t talk to me, and I’m … I want to be attracted to all of her, but she … it’s frustrating.”

Junsu smirked. “No kidding. So she’s in a ‘I’m ugly and unworthy’ sort of mood.” He knocked on the door. “Jae-baby? Let me in.”

“No.”

“Jae, you’re the one who sent me an S.O.S text, now let me in. Let us in. You need to talk to Yoochun.”

“No. Tell him to go away. He hates me.”

“I don’t hate you,” Yoochun said. “I love you.”

“Do you want some tea, Jae-baby?” Junsu asked.

Yoochun held his breath, and let it out when Jaehwa whispered, “Yes.”

Junsu nodded at him and jerked his head toward the kitchen. “All right, tell me what happened.”

“It’s embarrassing.”

Junsu snorted as he started making tea.

Yoochun sighed and told them about their date, Jaehwa’s dress and his perpetual hard on. He glossed over the blow job and explained how Jaehwa freaked out after she came. Junsu nodded in understanding and told him to continue. Yoochun told him what happened on the couch, and then in the bedroom.

“So she left you hard and alone and you tried to jerk off and you couldn’t?”

“And that is why it’s embarrassing.”

“Did you tell her that?”

Yoochun tried to think if he said that and shook his head. “I told her we had to talk and she ran to her bedroom.”

Junsu frowned and didn’t say anything as he put a pouch of tea in a mug that had the faces of the SHINee members on it. He poured hot water in, and then leaned against the counter. “You need to figure your shit out.”

Yoochun opened his mouth, but Junsu shook his head. “Think about her for a second. Do you really think she should bare herself to you, let you ‘figure out’ if you like the one part of her body that she hates the most, by letting you touch her?”

Yoochun sighed. “It would help.”

“Or ruin everything, and make Jaehwa feel even more disgusted with her body. She hates being trapped in a boy’s body.”

“I don’t know what to do, Junsu.”

Junsu lead them back down the hall, still frowning, deep in thought. He tried the door, and it was unlocked. Silently, he held out the teacup and saucer. Yoochun stared at it, and then took it slowly.

“I’m not sure if you’re capable of this or not, but don’t do anything stupid,” Junsu whispered and headed down the hall.

Yoochun nodded. He counted to ten and slowly pushed open the door. Jaehwa looked up from the bed and then buried under her blanket with a tiny cry. Yoochun sat on the bed and waited. The cup clinked from his shaking hands. After a moment, Jaehwa moved the blanket, revealing bloodshot eyes and tear-stained cheeks. She looked away as she sat up and covered herself completely in the blanket. She held her hands out and Yoochun gave her the tea.

Yoochun wasn’t sure what to say. Apologizing seemed like a good idea. But he wasn’t sure for what.

He tried anyway.

“I’m sorry for hurting your feelings,” he whispered, “and for making you feel unwanted.”

“You’re not gay, I get it.”

“Neither are you, but you’re attracted to me. And I’m attracted to you.”

“Don’t patronize me, please.”

“I won’t lie to you,” Yoochun said. “But—“

“Why don’t you just go now, before … before … just go away now, before it all falls apart later.”

“I don’t want to leave,” Yoochun said and moved so he was kneeling in front of her. “I can’t leave. I love you so much that my heart hurts because I hurt you.”

Jaehwa glanced up, biting on her lower lip.

“Please just … just let me touch—“

“No.”

Yoochun sighed. He should have known better than to ask. Yunho had said not to acknowledge it and here Yoochun was, after their first sexual encounter, trying to make her come to terms with it.

“I fail you at every turn, don’t I?’ he whispered.

Her hand shook and Yoochun took the teacup and put it on the dresser before she could drop it.

She wrung her hands together, over and around. Yoochun gently took her hands and unthreaded her fingers. He brought them to his lips and kissed her knuckles. “I’m sorry, my love. Please let me have another chance.”

“With a freak.” She tried to pull her hands away but Yoochun wouldn’t let her go.

He shook his head. “I don’t think you’re a freak. You’re you, and everything about you makes up who you are. I love you, and when I say that to you, I have to mean all of you. If I didn’t mean all of you, then I would be a liar. I love all of you. I do. I want to move forward with you, and love you, and please, Jaehwa, let me love all of you.”

Her chest hitched and she looked down. “I have too many issues. I hate my body. I hate it.”

“I know, and I understand why you hate it. Can I show you how much I love it?”

She looked up, eyes narrowed.

Yoochun smiled. “I want to kiss you and touch you and lick your nipples again.”

She inhaled shakily and her eyes shut with a quiet whimper.

Yoochun leaned forward and pressed a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “And I want to slide my fingers inside you again.” He licked that same spot. “And maybe, push my tongue—”

Jaehwa flung the blankets off her body and jumped into Yoochun’s arms. Yoochun _oof_ ed, caught her and fell to the bed. Their lips mashed together and Jaehwa kissed him roughly, much like she had before. Yoochun did not mind at all.

“You look horrible in this,” she muttered and tugged at the pajama shirt.

Yoochun chuckled. “It looks way cuter on you.”

“You sure you’re okay with this?” she whispered. “With me?”

“Yes. Why would I not be?”

Jaehwa sighed and looked up at him.

He rolled his eyes and gestured to his crotch. “Beautiful girl devouring my mouth makes my cock hard, so yes, please.”

“Brat,” she muttered and went back to licking his lips.

“Adorable brat,” he corrected.

She laughed and kissed him.

Junsu knocked on the door. “You two better not be fucking because I’m coming in.”

Yoochun sighed and Jaehwa put her face at his neck. The door opened.

“Okay, good. All made up.”

Jaehwa smiled at Yoochun and nodded. “Yeah. For now.”

“For now?” Yoochun protested.

Jaehwa shrugged, but didn’t say anything else. She rolled over and sat on the end of the bed. She held out her hands and Junsu grabbed them and pulled her up into a hug. He moved her hair and whispered something in her ear. She shook her head, and Junsu glanced at Yoochun.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing. Just surprised you didn’t fuck this up more.”

“Men,” Jaehwa said sarcastically and moved past Junsu and out the door.

Yoochun sighed and lay back on the bed.

“You going to stick around?”

“In general, or tonight?”

“Both, I guess.”

“Yes, and I don’t know. Should I?”

Junsu thought about it and nodded. “If you leave, she’ll probably think you were abandoning her. But if you stay, you’re going to have to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary.”

“Oh god, the things I do for that girl.”


	6. The Conflict

**July 2012**

Yoochun rolled his eyes and made a noise of frustration when Jaehwa’s bowling ball once again knocked over every pin. She did her victory dance, arms spinning above her head and body twirling in her spot. More than one man looked over at her. He didn’t blame them. She was wearing tight red skinny jeans and a loose white shirt that was almost see-through.

Their relationship had … Yoochun didn’t want to say it stalled, because it hadn’t. They still kissed and dated and cuddled. And Jaehwa more than once surprised him with an impromptu blow job, but her clothes stayed on, more or less, and she kept herself in tight control when they made out.

Yoochun hated it. He wanted her to be comfortable with him. And he wanted to be comfortable with her, but that wasn’t going to happen if they kept avoiding the issue. It’d been a full year since their first date, and Yoochun loved Jaehwa a little more each day. Even on days like this, when she was going to make him look bad.

“You are so going to get your ass handed to you,” Jaehwa said and danced over to him, smiling widely.

Yoochun stood up and swallowed his pride. He encircled her waist and gave her a kiss. “Who’s idea was this?”

Jaehwa’s arms went around his shoulders. “Yours. You wanted to do something we’d never done together before.”

“And you said bowling. So it was your idea.”

“And like every other guy, you thought I was going to suck. I’ve been bowling since I was five years old.”

“After you thoroughly make me look bad, are you going to make me feel better?”

Jaehwa giggled and kissed him quickly. “Maybe. Maybe I’ll let you worship the winner.”

Yoochun laughed as she pushed him away.

They bowled two complete games and Yoochun was slaughtered in both of them. The smile on Jaehwa’s face was worth it. She sat down, tying up the black, almost-knee high boots she wore, and a man behind Yoochun clucked his tongue.

“Pretty little girl you have there,” he said.

Yoochun tried not to bristle at his tone. The man was almost forty. “Thanks.”

Jaehwa stood up, and then bent over to straighten where her pants were pushed into her boots. She was so unconscious of her own desirability, but Yoochun saw the quick glances at her ass. His eyes narrowed.

The man chuckled and said, “I bet she’d look amazing in just those boots.”

Yoochun fought the urge to punch him. Instead, he stalked over to Jaehwa. She frowned at his face.

“I hate that everyone is staring at you, and the man over there is thinking of you in nothing but those boots.”

“Wouldn’t he be surprised?” Jaehwa said with a smirk and put her hands around Yoochun’s waist. Their lips met automatically. “So you’re feeling possessive?”

“God, yes.”

Jaehwa broke away and laughed. “Then let’s get out of here.” She held Yoochun’s hand and dragged him from the bowling alley. They had taken the bus to the bowling alley, but Yoochun was willing to splurge on a taxi if it meant getting back faster. He flagged one down and said half of Jaehwa’s address.

She touched his arm. “Junsu and Changmin are there.”

“Right. My place?”

She nodded.

Yoochun smiled and told the cabbie his address. They held hands all the way there, fingers entwined. Jaehwa reached over with her other hand and played with the tips of Yoochun’s knuckles. Yoochun watched her fingers, because if he looked up at her, he would kiss her and if he kissed her, clothes were going to start coming off.

After being dropped off, Yoochun handed the cab driver his fair. The cab driver smirked, winked and said, “Take care of that pretty girl.”

“I will.”

He turned and put a possessive arm around Jaehwa’s waist. “What the hell is up with men openly ogling at you today?”

“Are you sure they aren’t ogling at you?”

Yoochun snorted.

“It’s possible. You are attractive.”

“Yes, but when they say ‘pretty girl’, then they are talking about you, because you are indeed a pretty girl. My pretty girl.”

Yoochun said that as naturally as he could. Jaehwa’s cheeks went pink and he smiled to himself. He let her up the stairs first, and after only three, reached up and cupped her ass. He squeezed and she tittered at him, looking over her shoulder. He smiled unapologetic. She twisted her hips, laughed and ran up the stairs. Yoochun laughed with her and followed just as quickly. She didn't slow until they reached his door. Yoochun pinned her to the wall and kissed her harshly.

Jaehwa moaned, arms wrapping around his neck. She sucked his lip into her mouth and bit down. Yoochun jerked in surprise, hips pinning her. Unthinking he rolled his body, thrusting against her. She pulled her mouth away, gasping, and Yoochun took a deep breath of control.

“Inside, or you’re going to get naked right here,” Yoochun whispered.

She shivered and tried to push him away. Yoochun held her there and reached with one hand to unlock his door. Not the best decision, but after missing on the first try, he managed to get the door open.

They stumbled inside. Yoochun kicked his shoes off while trying to eat Jaehwa’s mouth.

“Chunnie,” she tried to protest. “Chunnie.”

“What?”

“I need to take my boots off.”

“No, you don’t. I just need to push your pants down.”

She scoffed and pushed his shoulders. “Move.”

Yoochun pouted but moved away enough that she could turn around in his arms. He kept his hands on her hips while she bent over and unlaced the boots. Her ass rubbed over his crotch and his cock pulsed. Yoochun whimpered, and tried not to thrust against her. The first boot fell to the ground, and she shifted, purposely rubbing against him to unlace the other one.

“Fuck, Jaehwa, what … You’re going to make me come in my pants.”

She turned her head and smirked up at him. “Then why don’t you be smart and take off your pants.”

Yoochun whimpered. He let go with one hand and shoved it between them. He cupped her ass briefly and then used that one hand to unbutton his jeans and lower his zipper. She stood up, and turned back around.

Jaehwa draped her arms around his shoulders, and their lips met easily. “Take me to your bedroom right this second or I’m going to go bitch-crazy on you.”

Yoochun smiled into the next kiss and walked her through the living room and to his bedroom door. The door slammed open, almost by itself and they stumbled inside the dim room. The sun was setting outside, and Yoochun didn’t want to turn the light on.

Jaehwa regained her balance and then pulled away from his lips. With a small smirk, she pecked his lips and then shimmied down his body.

“Oh, fuck,” Yoochun said as she rubbed her face against his crotch.

She took his hands and put them on her head and he threaded his fingers into her hair. She grabbed the top of his pants and pulled them and his boxers down. His cock sprung free, smacking her in the cheek. She licked her lips, opened her mouth and caught the tip with her lips.

Yoochun’s eyes shut and his whole body shook. Liquid heat wrapped around the crown and then slowly dropped down, more and more of his erection slipped into her mouth and he had to thrust, had to. His fingers tightened in her hair, she moaned and he jerked his hips forward. She gagged and then pulled back and glared up at him.

He smiled in apology. “Sorry. You’re really sexy on your knees.”

Jaehwa rolled her tongue around him, drawing another moan from deep in his throat. “You are entirely too eager,” she reprimanded, lips against the pliant head. “Should I make it worse?”

“I don’t know how that’s—“ Yoochun broke off when she let go of his dick. It bobbed just in front of her face. She licked at it, just her tongue, while her hands grabbed her shirt and yanked it off. The tiny tank underneath followed quickly. Yoochun moaned and put his hand on pale shoulders. Her tongue was beyond distracting, and he didn’t notice that she had unbuttoned her jeans until she suddenly turned and stood up.

Those red jeans rolled down her hips, revealing satin red boyshorts and creamy pale thighs.

Yoochun had to grip the base of his cock to keep from coming.

Jaehwa did not turn back around. She took the couple of steps to his bed and crawled onto it. She looked over his shoulder and smiled, tongue running over her mouth.

“Fuck,” Yoochun muttered and kicked off his pants and boxers. He didn’t care that he still had his t-shirt on and climbed after her. His lips hit just above the panties, on her lower back, his hand cupped her ass, fingers slipping over the panties, pushing into her cleft. She whimpered, body shuddering, and her elbows collapsed.

Yoochun kissed her back, licked up her spine and pushed her hair to the side to suck on her neck. He held himself up with one hand and traced the top of the panties with his finger. “Can I take these off?” he whispered.

Jaehwa moaned and nodded, hips rising in invitation.

Yoochun hooked his fingers at the hem and pulled them down, baring a single ass cheek. He moaned as he cupped the bare skin and then transferred his weight so he could push them down further. He stopped as soon as her ass was free and then settled over her, lips on her shoulder. His dick slid between her cheeks, and they both moaned. Her hips lifted again and Yoochun rutted against her. Their moans filled the room and Yoochun bit down on her shoulder, crying out as the interrupted orgasm was there in full force, ripping through him and covering her cleft in come.

Jaehwa whined, still moving her hips as Yoochun slowed, gasping with lips against her skin.

“Chunnie,” she whimpered.

Yoochun shut his eyes, willing control to his body. He held himself up with one and snaked the other between them. His fingers slipped through his mess. He found her opening and pushed in a single finger. She keened, head lifting from the bed. Her hips rutted down, hard and fast. Yoochun licked her neck, whispering words of beauty to her as his finger pressed completely inside her.

“Yoochun, please, please, please.”

Yoochun slowly pulled his finger out, all the way. She whimpered, and he rubbed her entrance, with two fingers. He didn’t want to hurt her, and her body was so tight. He pressed in a single finger again, slow and steady, in and out. She pushed her face into a pillow and screamed something that sounded like a curse word.

Yoochun chuckled and left wet kisses across her upper back. “What was that?”

She turned her head. “I want you. I want you.”

He pressed against her, attacking her mouth sideways in a dirty kiss. He spun his hand and then pushed in a second finger. Her body gripped him tightly, and she cried out. Her hips rolled and forced both fingers deeper.

“Please, please, please.”

Yoochun pushed up, kneeling. He pulled his fingers from her and turned. His side table was just out of reach. He growled and had to climb off her to get to the drawer and the lube inside. When he turned back, Jaehwa was still on her stomach, but completely naked, legs spread. Her back rose and fell, and her face was hidden in his pillow. She was shivering, and Yoochun wondered if she thought he was going to run away. He crawled back over her, kissing her sides and back, and did not look between her legs. But he was still shivering. He kneeled between her spread legs and curled his body over hers.

With lips against her neck, he said, “You are so beautiful. I love you so much.”

Her breath caught, and she turned her head. Their lips met again in a soft kiss and he lowered his hips, erection rubbing along her cleft again. He kissed her until she smiled and then he pulled back.

“I love you,” she whispered and licked at his lips.

Yoochun moved enough to cover his hand in lube. He poured some right on her body too, mixing it with his come. She gasped and lifted her hips. Two fingers slipped inside her, and Yoochun moaned at how she clenched around them. He pumped and spread them slowly. He leaned over her again and captured her moans with his lips. She rocked her body up into his, begging for more. Yoochun pushed in a third finger. They both shivered.

“Please, Chunnie-ah, please, please, please don’t stop. Please.’

Yoochun knew the begging for what it was. Don’t leave. Don’t hate me. Don’t think I’m unworthy. Don’t stop. He shook his head and kissed her. He removed his fingers and used that hand to slick his cock up. He spread his legs a bit more and lowered his hips. He swiped his dick along her ass and they both whimpered.

“Fuck me, please, please, Yoochun, please.”

Yoochun shivered, and held his cock steady. He shut his eyes and thrust forward, into her tight channel. She cried out, back bowing down, hips rising to take him. Yoochun stopped, curled over her, and inhaled, trying to calm himself down, but then she thrust back, forcing more of his cock into her.

Yoochun growled. God, she was tight. Tighter than any woman he’d ever been with. With hands firmly planted beside her, he thrust down, hard, quick, in and out, forcing her body into the bed. She cried out, gripping the pillow. Yoochun kept his eyes shut tight, reaching for control, feeling it down to his toes as her body held him tightly, gripping and pulsating around him. He shorted his thrusts, quick instead of long, forceful instead of soft. His arms ached and shook, his legs were tense and almost cramping, but he didn’t stop, couldn’t stop. Her slim body writhed underneath him and he was only vaguely away of her whimpers and moans. She gasped his name, over and over.

And then her body tightened impossibly further and Yoochun’s vision went gray and he sped up with a gasped, “Fucking hell”.

“Chunnie, don’t stop, please. So … so close, please. I’m … make me come, please. Come, come, please, I’m com--” She broke off with a cry. Her body went taut and tight and her hands flung to her sides. Her hips rose, and her entrance tightened around Yoochun so much that he lost his rhythm.

“Chunnie!” She spasmed, hips jerking unsteadily into the bed. Her breath hitched and then stopped and everything froze and then shattered, and she collapsed, back heaving with her heavy breathing.

Yoochun slowed, exhaling at how tightly her body clenched around his dick.

Her breath turned to gasps and then to whimpers and Yoochun lifted up enough to kiss her neck. She was almost panicking.

“Love?” Yoochun said worried.

She shook her head and buried her face in the pillow. Yoochun continued to kiss her sweaty skin and rolled his hips.

“God, you’re amazing,” he said. “I love you.”

“I … I … I love you,” she said, but it sounded like she was crying.

Yoochun frowned. She still thought he was going to run away from her. He stayed buried inside her but kneeled, grabbing her hips and pulling her back. He watched as his cock moved in and out of her body. It was so hot, but at the same time, different. He was used to a different view, one that had a warm, wet cunt to slip his dick into. He gripped her ass, spreading her cheeks.

She was whimpering, probably sensing his hesitation. But Yoochun remembered not to say anything about her dick or boy parts. He pulled out and she cried out his name, begging. With a smile, he leaned down and touched his tongue to her stretched opening.

She gasped in surprise. He held her hips tightly and licked at her, cringing at the taste of lube and come on his tongue. But this was for her, just for her and he pushed his tongue inside. After only a minute, he pushed in a finger too. She shivered and said his name in disbelief. He licked her, up and down her cleft, wincing when his chin hit balls, but he didn’t stop, just moving away as fast as he could and distracting them both with three fingers and a tongue spreading her open. His erection sagged though, and he couldn’t help it and hated it.

He pushed up with a growl and said, “Turn over.”

She shook her head. “No. No. I … just fuck me like this.”

“I don’t want to fuck you,” he said, and she flinched. Her eyes squeezed shut, and a tear dripped down her face before she could hide it in the pillow.

Yoochun grabbed her hips and forced her over. She shook her head and tried to curl up, but Yoochun gripped her knees and spread her legs.

“Yoochun, don’t, please, just …”

He glared at her and fell over her, kissing her roughly. She cried into his mouth, hands pushing at his shoulders. He grunted and shivered as his cock slipped next to hers and then went down, further. He reached between them, slid his hand down her stomach, over her erection. He wrapped his hand around his cock, stroked and kissed her until he was aching and hard again. He held himself against her entrance and pushed.

She shuddered and continued to try to push him away. He grabbed her legs, bent them and slammed into her body.

“Chunnie stop, please, I … please …”

With a deep growl, he grabbed her wrists and pushed them to the bed. He buried his face into her neck and thrust into her roughly. Each one tore a little cry from her throat. Yoochun kissed her shoulder and collarbone, and then before he could stop himself, changed the angle of his thrust. He curled his hips, shortened his strides and pushed into her and rubbed against her at the same time. He shivered, biting harder.

“Yoochun!”

And Yoochun knew he couldn’t do this, not like this, not without seeing her. With a growl, he lifted his head. He let go of one of her wrists long enough to grab her chin. He kissed her, eyes open, eyes locked with hers, and they were her eyes, and it was her hand tangling in his hair.

Her. Her. Her.

Jaehwa.

His Jaehwa.

“I love you,” he gasped. “I love you.”

Her eyes shut and tears dripped down her face.

“Look at me,” he demanded, shaking her.

She tried to open her eyes. Yoochun slammed into her harder, and she cried out, chest arching into his, bodies pressed completely together. Yoochun shivered at the press of erection on his skin and he kissed her again. He couldn’t hold on to her anymore, not like this and he hooked his arm under her bowing back. He kissed her cheek and neck and grunted, thrusting harder. She moaned his name, whimpering and shaking. His energy was dropping, body protesting the continued movements, but her ass was tightening around him again, pulsating and twitching.

She grabbed her knees, opening herself more. Her other hand clawed at his back, and she arched again, crying out as her body jerked and spasmed. That dick against his stomach pulsed and then wet and hot and sticky covered his stomach. But everything around his cock went tight and he moaned, collapsing as she dragged his orgasm through him, teased it and twisted it. He thrust into her weakly, barely able to move, but it was enough and he emptied himself inside her. His hips continued to move, but he was done, spent and exhausted. He held Jaehwa’s sweaty body tightly against his.

It wasn’t until his own breathing steadied that he realized she was crying. He lifted his head, and she looked away, eyes shut as more tears fell down her cheeks. Very carefully, he lifted his body off hers and winced at the sticky mess between them.

Jaehwa whimpered in distress and Yoochun turned her head and kissed her softly.

“No,” she said, pleaded, “No, no, no. no.”

Yoochun sighed and pulled back a little bit. “Love?”

She shook her head and tried to roll away.

“God, Jaehwa, talk to me. Don’t just—“

“You’re disgusted by me,” she almost shouted.

Yoochun shook his head and kissed her cheek.

“Leave me alone, please.”

“No,” Yoochun said. “I want you to talk to me.”

She shook her head and struggled against his hold. With another sigh, Yoochun let her go. She didn’t go far, just turned on her side and curled up in a ball facing away from him. Yoochun’s come dripped from her ass. He licked his lips and touched her gently with his fingers. She jerked away.

Yoochun watched her body shake. He did not have energy for this. He sighed and pulled his t-shirt over his head. Very carefully, he wiped the come from her body. But she flinched again and he gave up. He tossed the shirt away before tugging on the blankets, pulling them until he could climb under them. He flung the edge over Jaehwa’s shoulders and then scooted closer to her. He draped his arm around her middle and pressed his face to her back. His wilted cock brushed against her ass and twitched.

Shaking, she settled against his chest.

Quietly, Yoochun whispered, “I love you. You do not disgust me and this was amazing.” His fingers traced around her belly button and he did his best not to flinch when they slipped through come. Her come. He kissed her neck and put a leg over her hips, holding her as close and as tightly as he could.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered.

“For what?”

“I … this … it’s …”

Yoochun smiled against her shoulder. “This was amazing,” he repeated.

She inhaled sharply and then exhaled slowly.

“I love you,” Yoochun said.

“I love you,” she repeated quietly.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	7. The Promise

Yoochun woke up slowly. Everything around him was dark, and there was a warm body in his arms. But the warm body was shivering, and muffled cries echoed around him.

Yoochun moaned, body pleasantly sore.

Jaehwa froze.

Yoochun kissed her shoulder and then shifted so she was on her back and he was half on his stomach and half laying on her. His arm was around her waist. He kissed her collarbone.

Her chest hitched with a quick inhale.

“I love you,” Yoochun murmured, sleepy and content against her skin.

Jaehwa whimpered, but Yoochun ignored it and kept talking. “I love you so much. And I’m glad you’re being patient with me. And I’m so glad you haven’t left me. You probably should have found someone that can accept you for who you are, instead of someone like me who keeps making you feel insecure and disgusted with yourself.” He sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m trying, and I think my favorite part of last night was watching you come, because you’re so beautiful when you’re unrestrained. You’re beautiful with your skin flushed. I love that you let me see you like that, I love that you trust me and love me enough to really let go.”

Shaking fingers ran through his hair, and Yoochun smiled. After a few minutes, he whispered, “Why are you crying?”

“Just the usual,” she said, but did not elaborate.

Yoochun propped up on a hand and found her lips in the dark. “Excuse me for feeling insecure, but I can’t say I’ve had a girl cry after giving her two amazing orgasms.”

Jaehwa snorted. “It’s not about you all the time.”

“I know. But you won’t tell me when it’s about you, so I’m going to assume that it’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Talk to me, Jae-love, please.”

She remained quiet.

“Do you want to get up, shower and have some tea?”

“Y-yes.”

Yoochun thought about asking to shower together, but figured that’d be pushing it. He pressed one more kiss to her lips and then rolled over. His fingers found his lamp and he winced at the sudden bright light. His skin was sticky with dried sweat and come. Standing, he turned around. Jaehwa was sitting up. She was clutching a blanket to her chest, covering her almost completely. Yoochun frowned and held out his hands. She shook her head.

Yoochun smiled and leaned down and kissed her briefly. “I accept you for who you are,” he said. “I always have and I always will.”

She nodded, biting her lower lip. Her hair was all over the place and there were lots of purple and red splotches on her shoulders and chest.

Yoochun ran his finger over one particularly prominent bite mark. “Oops. Sorry.”

Her smile was fleeting, and she turned her head and kissed his hand.

Yoochun smiled and cupped her cheek. He kissed her one more time and then turned and found a pair of sweatpants for himself, and a pair of his shorts for her. She slipped them on without moving the blanket. Yoochun said nothing, but this time when he held out his hand, she let him pull her up. He put his arm around her shoulders, kissed her cheek and then led her into the living room and across to the bathroom. He reluctantly let her go, and then found a clean towel for her.

“I’ll shower after you,” he said.

She met his eyes through the mirror and then nodded.

“Don’t take too long,” Yoochun whispered. “The thought of your body, covered in soap, will not produce a situation conducive to talking.”

She flung her arms around his shoulders and hugged him tightly. He shut his eyes and hugged her back. She did not try to keep their bodies from touching.

“I love you,” she whispered.

“I love you, too,” he replied.

She kissed his cheek and then pushed him. “Okay. Go away.”

Yoochun smiled and left the bathroom. He went to the kitchen and decided he was hungry. First, he heated some water for tea, and then put rice in the cooker. He didn’t have much to go with the rice, but he found a discarded package of premade curry (one that he thought was too spicy but would be perfect for Jaehwa) and boiled some water to heat it up.

The shower stopped about twenty minutes later, just as Yoochun was pulling the foil packet of sauce out of the water.

A door opened and then a moment later his bedroom door shut. Yoochun scooped rice onto two plates and then very carefully opened the hot packet. He poured more onto Jaehwa’s plate than his.

There was a scoff behind him and he turned and smiled at Jaehwa. She was still in the shorts he’d let her wear, but she’d thrown on the tank top she had worn earlier. And her hair was wrapped up in the towel.

“What?” Yoochun asked.

“Your culinary skills suck. You better hope you find a girl willing to cook for you.”

Yoochun grinned and covered the distance between them. “I thought I already did.”

She blushed and squirmed. Yoochun laughed and kissed her cheek. They sat down and Jaehwa devoured the rice and curry. As soon as he was done, he pointed to the hot water. “Make some tea. I’m going to go jump in the shower.”

She nodded.

“Don’t leave,” he said, and she looked up at him sharply, eyes narrowed. “A few months ago, you made me promise not to leave, and I didn’t, even though I wanted to. I’m glad I stayed then. And now I’m asking the same. You still have this panicked, nervous feel around you. Please don’t leave.”

Jaehwa bit her lower lip, but she nodded. “I-I won’t. I promise.”

Yoochun walked to her and kissed her cheek. “Give me five minutes.” He hurried to the bathroom. He took the quickest shower of his life, paranoid that she was going to leave. He dried off just as quickly, missed a lot of spots and threw on the sweats. He rubbed his hair with the towel for a moment, tossed it over the shower rod and then went out to the living room.

Jaehwa was sitting on his couch, a blanket over her lap. Her hands wrapped around a teacup, and she met his eyes.

Yoochun smiled and moved to join her. He sat next to her and leaned in for a kiss, which she willingly gave him.

“You’re worried about a situation conducive to talking and you come out of the bathroom half naked and with water droplets all over your chest?”

“Oops.”

Jaehwa laughed.

“I love hearing you laugh.”

“I love hearing you moan.”

Fingers warm from the teacup pinched his nipple and he did moan. “Don’t distract me.”

“You’re the one that came out half naked.”

Yoochun took the blanket from her lap and threw it over his shoulders. “There.”

“Now I’m cold. Heat me up.”

Yoochun growled and captured her lips in a kiss. “Tease. You are … “

She smiled and pushed him away. She set her tea down on the coffee table and then curled up against him. His eyes widened in surprise, but he did not protest. He shifted until they were lying on the couch together and the blanket was over them both.

“I’m going to talk,” she said, “but you can’t interrupt me, okay?”

“Okay.”

Jaehwa sighed. “I hate my body. I hate it. I do everything I can to make it pretty, shave and use lotion so my skin is soft, but it fucking doesn’t matter because I’ll always have … have a … anyway. I just hate it. I don’t like being naked, and I don’t like it when … I don’t like touching it. I hate tucking it too, because that’s just an illusion. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have surgery, get rid of it and have some semblance of girl parts. I don’t know though, because I’ve heard horror stories and … It’s scary. Really, really scary.”

Yoochun tightened his hold on her and pressed a kiss to her damp hair.

“I know it’s not fair to compare you to Yunho, but god, it hurt so much when we broke up. He actually liked me, all of me, because he’s bisexual, but that was part of the problem, because he was okay with my body. He loved it, but I don’t. I hate it. And you, I know you don’t like it. And that makes me feel gross and unwanted. So … really, it’s just fucked up and confusing. And it’s not fair to you, and I love you so much more than I ever loved Yunho.”

“I think the thing I hate most is that I’m making you uncomfortable,” Yoochun whispered. “I love you so much and hurting you makes me feel like a douche bag. I’m trying but … ”

Jaehwa tilted her head up. “But you’re straight.”

“Am I? I’m so attracted to you. I love your smile and your eyes and your shoulders and your chest and your stomach and your legs and your feet and your hands and your ass and your arms.”

“Just not my penis.”

Yoochun’s eyes shut and he shook his head. “I’m sorry. I’m trying.”

She resettled against him. “I know. I’m not being fair to you. My therapist says I should get surgery.”

“Why?”

“He says it’ll be easier for me if I do.”

“Will it?”

“I don’t know. He says since I hate it so much I should just cut it off.”

Yoochun sighed. “That won’t fix everything, love. It’s like ripping off a scab. After awhile, it’ll leave a scar. And … I don’t know, Jaehwa. You’ve already said you don’t want to have the surgery.”

“Do you want me to get surgery?”

Yoochun didn’t reply at first. He cupped her cheek and tilted her head up. “No.”

She looked confused.

“I wouldn’t want you to do something you don’t want to do. And according to some websites, it’s not the same as a regular girl anyway. I don’t think you’d feel any more comfortable with some fake ass pussy.”

Jaehwa snorted. “It’s … it’s been so hard, just stuck in the middle, not a boy, not a girl. In high school the only friend I had was Junsu. Even now I don’t have girlfriends, because … well, I’m so worried about them finding out about me and gossiping about it, and girls can be bitches.”

“I don’t want you to feel like you’re stuck in the middle with me,” Yoochun said carefully. “I know what you have and what you don’t have, and I’m still here, so am I straight? Probably not anymore, I mean, you should have seen my first reaction to Yunho. He’s tall and strong, and attractive, and well, maybe I am kind of gay, because he looks hot in a suit.”

Jaehwa laughed. “Yeah. He is really hot.”

“And because you think that, are you gay?”

She froze and looked up at him. “No. I’m straight. I like guys.”

“Then so am I, because I like girls.” He leaned down and kissed her lightly. “And you are my girl. My pretty, adorable girl. Beautiful and strong, and I don’t think you’re weak. You’ve had a rough life, and you’ve grown from it, and you are who you are no matter what other people say. I love that about you. I’ve never dated a girl like you before, one that is so comfortable with themselves. You really are, I know you don’t think so, but annoying boy part aside, you are a girl. I think your therapist concentrates too much on you being a boy. And you aren’t. Junsu and I both think you should ditch him. Go talk to someone else. Just to see.”

“I know, but … I don’t want to go to some woman. They’re even worse.”

“So go to a different man. Not all of us are douche bags.”

Jaehwa scoffed and smiled.

“A woman might understand you better and help you accept what you can’t change about yourself. You’re such a strong person, Jaehwa. You shouldn’t be subjected to someone telling you that you’re less amazing than you are.”

Her cheeks went red and she looked away. “Your bias is showing.”

“Maybe, but you know what you like and what you don’t like, and you go for it. All the time. Girls can be bitches, but they can also be insecure and annoying. I’ve dated girls before that have taken all my compliments and turned them into insults, or claimed that I was lying. I hate that. You don’t do that. I like that when I call you beautiful, you know that I’m not lying.”

“You may not be lying, but you’re still bias.”

“I think it’s okay for me to be bias about my girlfriend.”

“I love it when you call me your girlfriend.”

“I love you being my girlfriend.” Yoochun kissed her again, hands running through her hair. “Let’s go back to bed. I love falling asleep with you in my arms.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

“YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM?”

Yoochun winced and said to Changmin, “Well, there go my balls. See you later.” He stood up but arms went around his waist and lips pressed against the back of his neck.

“No way. You are not leaving me to his wrath,” Jaehwa said.

“I CAN’T BELIVE YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM!” Junsu paced in the small kitchen, arms waving around while he made noises of distress.

Jaehwa spun around, and with hands on her hips, said, “Well, he’s my boyfriend! Haven’t you had sex with Changmin?”

“Well, yeah, but—“

Changmin spit out his coffee. “Junsu!”

Yoochun looked at Changmin, eyebrows raised. “Interesting.”

“Shut up, hyung.” Changmin met his eyes, but blushed darkly.

“Sorry, Min, but really, Jae! What the hell?”

Yoochun turned his attention to Junsu. “What is wrong with you? I’ve been dating Jaehwa for almost a year now.”

“I know but—she … you and …”

“Junsu,” Jaehwa said very carefully, and Junsu glanced guiltily at Changmin. “You told him.”

“No, I didn’t. I never would, Jae, you know that.”

The two best friends stared at each other for a moment.

“Why do I feel like I’m missing something?” Changmin asked.

“Because you are,” Jaehwa said. “A smart boyfriend. God, shut up, Junsu. It was fine. I’m fine.”

“Fine?” Yoochun protested.

Changmin laughed.

“Yah! Donsaeng, you want to die?”

Jaehwa moved to Yoochun and pressed a kiss to his lips. “More than fine, and I’m half tempted to drag you to my room for more, but I have to change my clothes and get caffeinated. Are you working today?” she asked Junsu.

“Yes. We were about to leave when you two got here.”

“Wait for me,” she said to Yoochun, “and we’ll go get some coffee.”

“You’re going to leave me alone to face the wrath of your best friend?”

Jaehwa grinned. “You’re a tough man, and he’s a nancy gay boy. You can take him.”

“Hey!” Junsu protested.

Jaehwa laughed and spun around. She blew a kiss to Junsu and left the kitchen.

Changmin leered at him. “About fucking time, Casanova.”

“Shut up, Min. She’s had a shitty past and I wasn’t going to force her.”

“Still took you a year. I’m surprised Little Yoochun hasn’t fallen off from disuse. So how was it?”

“Fine,” Yoochun said, looking over at Junsu.

“Oh, come on, man, you always give me details, except with Jaehwa.”

“Well, she’s special. And why am I getting questioned?” Yoochun asked. “Huh, Mister Straight Man.”

Junsu snorted.

Changmin shut his mouth.

“Yeah, I thought so,” Yoochun said.

“Seriously,” Junsu said. “It was okay? She was okay?”

“Yes, Junsu, it was okay. She was okay. We talked a lot afterwards, and we are okay.”

Junsu’s lip quirked. “And you’re still straight?”

Yoochun rolled his eyes. “Um, have you seen my girlfriend? Prettiest angel on Earth.”

“Yeah, she is.”

“How’d you convince Changmin to fuck you?” Yoochun asked and ignored Changmin’s outrageous protest.

“I told you before,” Junsu said. “He likes my ass. It wasn’t hard.”

“Yes, it was,” Changmin muttered. “For almost an hour.”

Junsu threw his head back and laughed. Yoochun chuckled and smacked his dongsaeng’s shoulder.

“I’m going to be late for work,” Junsu said and pulled on Changmin’s arm. “I don’t know how long it’s going to take for Jaehwa to get ready, so we’ll see you at the café.”

Yoochun waited until the door shut and then went down the hall. He knocked on Jaehwa’s closed door. “Can I come in?”

“Yes, it’s open.”

Yoochun opened the door and stepped in quickly. “MinSu are going to meet us at the café. What are you doing?”

Jaehwa was standing in front of her mirror wearing only purple tights and a rainbow print bra. She pouted. “I can’t decide what to wear.”

“That looks sexy.”

She smiled. “You were complaining about people ogling me yesterday. I think it would be worse if I wore only this.”

“Who said we had to go out?”

“Need to be caffeinated, remember?”

“Right.”

Jaehwa huffed and went to her closet. She was gone for only a moment and then emerged wearing a gray, sweater-dress that hit her mid-thigh. She wrapped a thick sparkly belt around her waist.

“Beautiful,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa smiled at him through the mirror. “I was going to ask if I should wear my hair up or down, but you’re biased.” She pulled it up, and then let it fall again.”You don’t mind if I wear heels, do you?”

“No, why would I?”

“Because I’m taller than you in heels.”

“So? Your legs are amazing in heels.”

She smiled, not looking at him, and her cheeks went pink.

“Are you ever going to just accept a compliment about how beautiful you are and not blush?”

“Probably not.”

“I guess that’s okay. You’re beautiful when you blush.”

“Yah!” She spun around and stalked by him and out the door.

Yoochun chuckled and followed after her. She was by the front door, pulling on black boots with a spike heel. He thought of keeping his distance, and then changed his mind and sidled up next to her. She moved and almost fell over, but he put a hand around her hips and let his other hand slip under the dress.

“Chunnie-ah,” she whined and looked up at him.

“Your fault for being beautiful.”

She straightened and their lips met. Yoochun wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling their bodies flush. Her breath sped up, but Yoochun held her tightly, not letting her pull away. She relaxed into the kiss, sighing softly into his mouth.

“I don’t deserve you,” she whispered.

Yoochun snorted. “Other way around, love.”

“Would you be willing to meet my mother?”

Yoochun froze, pulling away to look at the vulnerable look in her eyes. “Yes. Would you meet mine?”

She tilted her head. “You’d introduce me?”

“She’s been harping on me for about six months to bring you over. ‘who’s this new girl you’re dating?’ ‘why haven’t I met her?’ ‘when are you getting married?’ ‘you better not get married until I meet her!’ It’s been a little insane.”

Jaehwa smiled and then her eyes went wide. “Married?”

Yoochun chuckled. “It’s my mother. She wants grandchildren and she wants them soon. I can’t help it.”

Jaehwa bit down on her lower lip.

Yoochun licked it and then sucked it into his mouth. “Don’t worry, love. You’re worrying about that now. Please, don’t.”

“B-but I can’t have … I can’t give you children.”

“I know. There are a lot of children in this world that don’t have homes. So there are options. But really. This is way too soon for discussions like this.”

“I don’t think it is. It’s important to you, and to your family and I can’t … I can’t … Chunnie-ah, I can’t …”

Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and kissed her softly. “Please, don’t worry about it right now, all right?”

Jaehwa nodded, but Yoochun could tell she wasn’t convinced. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go get some coffee.” He released her and she straightened her dress. He grabbed her army jacket and held it out for her to slip on.

“I love you,” she said quietly.

Yoochun kissed her neck. “I love you.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	8. The Situation

They held hands all the way to Angel Café, but they didn’t talk. Yoochun wasn’t sure what to say. He hadn’t meant to freak her out, or make her feel like he didn’t want to be with her. He did want to be with her. Marriage would cause a lot of complications in his life, but a lifetime of waking up to her face and kissing her lips sounded like paradise.

As soon as they slipped into the door, a deep voice called for Jaehwa. She looked up, saw Yunho across the café and smiled widely. Yoochun hung their coats up on the rack and watched as his girlfriend almost flew into her ex-boyfriend’s arms. Yunho hugged her tightly, but looked up apologetically to Yoochun.

Yoochun shrugged. It’s not like he could control what Jaehwa did.

“Oh, girl, I know you are not in my man’s arms.”

Yoochun looked past Yunho to a table where a very pretty man sat. He had red hair that fell in perfectly styled waves to his shoulders. His skin was soft, but his jaw had a defined line. He wore skinny jeans and a tight white tank top under an open black shirt. He almost looked like a girl.

“Heechul, don’t be jealous,” Yunho said. “This is just Jaehwa.”

The man flipped his hair and snorted. “The lovely Jaehwa. Too bad for you, Yunho is mine. Get your hands off him.”

“I’m not one to be possessive,” Yoochun said and came up behind her, “but I agree with Heechul.”

Heechul looked him up and down. “Who are you?”

“Yoochun. Jaehwa’s boyfriend.”

“God, she has a boyfriend. Thank God!” He lifted his hands in the air.

“You don’t believe in God,” Yunho said.

Heechul rolled his eyes. “And yet, you constantly make me cry out to him.”

Jaehwa covered her hand with her mouth and laughed.

Yunho sat next to Heechul in the booth and gestured across from them. Heechul tittered, but said nothing as Jaehwa sat across from him, and Yoochun sat next to her, arm around her shoulders.

“Girl, I am glad you have a boyfriend, because I was afraid I was going to have to put the smack down on your ass for touching my man, but you have wicked nails.” He waved his fingers at her.

Yoochun stretched his shoulder, nail marks stinging slightly. “Yes, she does.”

Heechul laughed, and Jaehwa blushed.

“At least she has good taste,” Heechul said, inspecting his nails. “Your dress is cute and those boots are hot.”

“Thanks,” Jaehwa said. “I like your hair. I’ve been thinking of dying mine.”

“Don’t,” Yunho and Yoochun said at once.

“Jae! Yoochun!” Junsu shouted. “You going to pay for your coffee?”

Yoochun rolled his eyes and stood back up. “Do you want a muffin or anything?”

“No. I eat enough of them when I’m at work.”

“The ones that break,” Heechul said and did finger quotes.

Jaehwa giggled, covering her mouth. Yunho smiled at her fondly, and Yoochun tried not to feel insecure and possessive. Jaehwa had said just the night before that she loved him more than she had ever loved Yunho. He walked over to the counter, and made a face at Junsu.

“Don’t worry about it,” Junsu muttered. “He and Heechul have been dating for about two months. Jaehwa is just his friend.”

“I know, but … “

“You don’t get pissed at me when I hug or kiss her, and I used to fuck her. Is it because he’s tall dark and handsome, pretty much everything you’re not?”

Yoochun made a face. “No.”

“You really should look in a mirror once in awhile. You’re gorgeous, Chunnie.”

Yoochun tried not to blush as he handed over his credit card. “Sure. Look, I need some advice.”

“Again?”

“She asked me to meet her mom.”

He choked on nothing. “Really?’

“Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“I told her my mom wanted to meet her too.”

Junsu winced. “That’s probably not a good idea.”

Yoochun sighed. “Talk to her about it, okay. I tried, but she went off about how she couldn’t give me kids or a real wedding.”

“It’s really something she’s worried about with any man.”

“I know.”

“Wow. Meet her mom. That’s a huge thing. Because her mom sees her as Kim Jaejoong, and she’s going to assume you’re gay.”

Yoochun cursed softly. “I didn’t even think about that.”

Junsu smiled. “Don’t worry too much. Her mom accepts Jaehwa’s as a gay man, but not as a woman, and she did like Yunho, and she should like you. You’re pretty likeable.”

“Thanks, Su. You’re a good friend.”

He smiled. “I’m the best.”

Yoochun returned to the table. Heechul and Jaehwa were in a conversation about waxing. Yoochun made a face at Yunho, and he laughed.

“Don’t look at me like that. I love being smooth,” he said.

Yoochun shifted uncomfortably at the thought.

Jaehwa raised her eyebrows. “I talked Yunho into it; I think I could talk you into it.”

“No way.”

“Just a trim, really.”

“Men,” Heechul said. “They think you like choking on their curlies.”

Yoochun almost spit out his coffee.

Heechul rolled his eyes again. “Oh my god, you are so straight. Think of your girlfriend, who I’m sure has had your cock in her throat. It’s considerate anyway, and it’s not like she’s going to take you to a salon and have your asshole waxed.”

“Can we talk about something else?” Yoochun said, shifting again.

Heechul laughed. “Oh, god, he’s hilarious. And really, Yoochun, babe. I wish you were bisexual like my man, here, because damn, you are gorgeous. Isn’t he gorgeous, Jaehwa?”

“I think so,” she said and smiled at Yoochun, her face cradled in her hand.

“I’m pretty damn sure I could turn you bi. I mean, I’m man through and through, just because I like a pedicure and pretty scarves doesn’t mean I don’t have a dick.”

Jaehwa inhaled sharply, and Yoochun glanced at her in concern.

Heechul rambled on. “But I have been known to turn straight men into a writhing mass of begging just from a blow job. Of course, half of them tell me I’m pretty enough to be a girl anyway, so I don’t count, but the other half can’t wait to get their virgin mouths on my dick and suck me off until I can’t see straight. And if I’m lucky, I can have them on their backs and be riding their cocks, sometimes two at a time.”

“Heechul. Shut up,” Yunho said, looking at Jaehwa who was trembling slightly. “You sure as hell better not be making straight boys question their sexuality by riding them. You’re mine.”

“Honey, please, all those boys have to do is look at me.” Heechul flipped his hair, and then frowned at Jaehwa. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she whispered and then smiled at him. It was faked. They could all tell, but Heechul didn’t protest. Luckily, he changed the subject again, and asked Jaehwa where she got her nails done.

Yoochun exchanged a look of concern with Yunho and he nodded. A few minutes later, he leaned over to Heechul and started whispering in his ear. Heechul’s mouth opened, his tongue swiped over his lips and then his eyes rolled back.

“We’re … wow, fuck, Yunho, we’re … yeah.” He shoved Yunho’s hips, sliding him over the bench. “Oh god, really? And you’ll use the blue beads?”

“And the pink ones if your ass can handle it.”

“Oh, babe, my ass can handle anything.” Heechul grabbed Yunho’s arm and dragged him across the café. Yunho had enough time to wave and then they were out the door. Yoochun smiled and then turned to Jaehwa. He slid over and put his arm around her shoulder and held her closely.

“Are you okay?” he whispered into her hair.

“Is that what you think of me?” she whispered.

“What?”

“That even though I like pedicures and scarves, I still have a dick so …”

Yoochun pushed her up enough and forced their eyes to meet. “No. That is not what I think of you. I think you’re a very pretty girl, and you’re my girl, and it’s not your fault that you were put in the wrong body.”

“Are you just saying that because you don’t want to say you’re gay?”

Yoochun sighed. “No, love. Not at all. I love you. I don’t love your gender, or what society has deemed as your gender. I love you.”

“But if I was like Heechul, you wouldn’t like me. You wouldn’t even have given me a chance if I was like Heechul.”

“I can’t argue that,” Yoochun said. “But that’s because I’m not attracted to men, especially gay men. I like girls. And who is my girl?”

Jaehwa smiled softly and her eyes fluttered shut and Yoochun kissed her.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you. Do you really want me to meet your mom?”

Yoochun nodded. “But only if you want to. She’s a little intimidating.”

“She’s tough. Raising two boys on her own. I admire that. But yeah … maybe soon. Okay?”

“Soon.”

“My sister’s birthday is this weekend. Which is why I mentioned meeting my mom. Junsu and I are probably going to go down on Saturday and stay the night.”

Yoochun thought about what he had to do and said, “Do you want me to come with?”

“Is it too soon?”

Yoochun smiled and kissed her again. “I’ve been dating you for a year, my love. No. I don’t think it’s too soon.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

Yoochun thought it was too soon, and was doing his best not to panic. He was about to meet Jaehwa’s family. The people that made her life hell. Well, that wasn’t true. Junsu assured him that her father would not be there, because Jaehwa never came down when her father was there.

Junsu was driving, and they had left so early in the morning that Jaehwa had done little more than throw on relaxing clothes and then curled up against Yoochun’s side and fell asleep. He had his arm around her, and his leg was going numb.

Changmin was in the passenger seat. He’d said that he was going down for the entertainment factor inherent with meeting parents for the first time, but Yoochun really appreciated his support. Junsu and Changmin’s hands were laced together over the middle console.

Junsu shot concerned looks at Yoochun through the entire trip, and those more than anything freaked Yoochun out. Junsu only got concerned and overprotective when Jaehwa was in trouble.

A couple hours later, Junsu snapped him out of his world of “what if” questions. “Wake Jaehwa up. We’re almost there.”

Yoochun ran his hands through her hand, down her shoulders and shook her a little. She moaned and buried her face in his stomach. “We’re almost there, love. Wake up.”

“Don’t want to.”

“I know, but come on.” He pulled her up and she pouted and he smiled and kissed it away.

She rubbed her eyes and then looked around to gauge where they were at. “This was a bad idea,” Jaehwa said and slumped in the seat.

Junsu snorted. “Your idea.”

“Aren’t most girls’ ideas bad ideas?” Changmin said.

Jaehwa slapped his head. “Shut up, dongsaeng.”

“Um, Jae,” Junsu said and met her eyes through the rearview mirror and then looked at Changmin, and then back at her.

Her eyes went wide. “Oh shit!”

“What?” Changmin said.

Jaehwa turned in panic to Yoochun.

“What?” he repeated.

She buried her face in her hands and muttered, “Oh shit,” over and over and over again.

“I’m sorry, Jae,” Junsu said. “I wasn’t even thinking when I invited him to come.”

She shook her head.

“What’s going on?” Changmin asked.

Junsu sighed. “It’s your call, Jae.”

Yoochun rubbed her back. “Love? What’s wrong?”

“He doesn’t know,” she said, muffled in her hands, and then she repeated it. “Everyone knows, but he doesn’t know.”

And just like that, Yoochun understood. He glanced at Changmin with wide eyes.

“What?” Changmin asked.

Junsu slowed down and turned into a parking lot, still empty in the early morning. “Jae?”

Jae sighed and curled into Yoochun’s body. He put his arms around her and kissed her head.

“You want me to tell him?” Junsu asked.

Jae was silent for a long time, and then she nodded.

Junsu turned to Changmin, and Changmin looked at Yoochun. “There isn’t really an easy way to say this, but … well, Jaehwa is …” He rubbed the back of his neck. “Jaehwa is …”

“Don’t say she’s a guy,” Yoochun inserted quickly. “She isn’t.”

Changmin’s eyes went wide. “What?’

Yoochun held her tighter and said, “She was born male, but knew at a young age that she was supposed to be female. Her family didn’t approve and only her gay best friend offered her any support. She’s been living as a female in Seoul for six years.”

Changmin looked at the shivering form of Jaehwa against Yoochun’s chest. “Oh god, a lot of things make a lot more sense. No wonder it took you so long to tap that ass.”

“Oh god, dongsaeng, you are so dead,” Jaehwa said and sat up. “You think this is easy?”

Changmin held up his hands, but Jaehwa slapped at him over the seat anyway. Yoochun thought of stopping her, but laughed instead, and Junsu finally grabbed her arm.

“The problem,” Junsu said, pushing Jaehwa back into Yoochun’s arms, “is that her family doesn’t accept that she’s a girl. They call her Jaejoong, and, well … sometimes she acts differently around her family.”

Yoochun looked at her.

She wouldn’t meet his eyes and she shrugged. “I … it’s just easier for them, and for me, and …”

“I am not calling you Jaejoong,” Yoochun said, harshly enough that she flinched. “I did not fall in love with Jaejoong.”

Yoochun looked up at Changmin.

Changmin shrugged and said, “Who’s Jaejoong?”

Jaehwa finally looked up, close to tears, and turned to Changmin, beautiful brown eyes wide.

“What?” he said. “I only know Jaehwa.”

“Thanks, Minnie,” Jaehwa whispered.

Junsu continued, “Her mom accepts her that Jaejoong is gay and that Jaejoong likes wearing girl’s clothes and makeup, but she blames all of that on Jaejoong’s eight older sisters. She refuses to acknowledge Jaehwa’s existence.”

Yoochun shook his head and ran his hand over Jaehwa’s shoulder. “I won’t call you Jaejoong.”

She bit her lip and looked away. “Changmin, trade me places. I need a mirror.”

“Why?”

“Just do it, please.”

Changmin looked at Junsu and he nodded, and with a sigh, he climbed from the car and traded places with Jaehwa. As soon as Junsu started the car and continued driving, Jaehwa had her hair in her hands, wrapping it up into a bun and pinning it tightly to her head. She pulled out a cloth from her purse and started removing the little makeup she had put on.

“Jaehwa,” Yoochun said, half surprised, half confused.

She met his eyes through the mirror but said nothing.

Yoochun realized that she was wearing the most boyish thing he’d ever seen her in. Loose pants with rips up one side, and a rocker t-shirt that wasn’t tight. Her hoody was brown, non-descript. And sneakers. She never wore sneakers. When her hair disappeared under a black beanie, Yoochun really protested.

“Jaehwa!”

“It’s a necessity,” Junsu said.

“I thought you said her mom was okay with—“

“There’s a line between worrying about your son who is getting beat up by your husband and admitting that your son was supposed to be a girl. To her family, Jaejoong is gay. Jaejoong is not a girl.”

Yoochun glared at Jaehwa. “You shouldn’t hide who you are.”

“And you’re suddenly perfectly accepting of all of me?” she said, checking her face in the mirror.

Yoochun shook his head. “If I knew you were going to do this, I wouldn’t have come.”

“Why not?”

“Because! This is ridiculous!”

Jaehwa smirked and said, “Afraid of liking a boy, Yoochun? Afraid of being gay?”

Yoochun opened his mouth and then snapped it shut and looked at the window.

“Jae, that’s not fair,” Junsu said.

“Not fair, but true,” she said.

Yoochun did not look at either of them. He almost didn’t come because of Junsu’s warning that their mother would think he was gay. He wasn’t gay. Or at least … no, he wasn’t gay.

“You’re not gay,” Yoochun finally mumbled.

“Talking to yourself?” Jaewha asked.

“No, I’m talking to you. You’re not gay.”

“But Jaejoong is.”

“Jaejoong doesn’t exist.”

“The penis begs to differ.”

“You’ve spent the last year hiding Jaejoong from me, so I don’t see him, and I tried, and it upset you, so I refuse to see him, and now all of a sudden, you’re a he and I’m just supposed to be okay with that?”

“You’re acting very selfish right now,” Jaehwa said, a warning in her voice.

Did she deepen it? Yoochun couldn’t tell.

Yoochun looked back out the window and sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want you to call me Jaejoong,” she said. “I want my family to see that someone besides Junsu accepts me as who I am.”

“Then what’s with the costume?” Yoochun demanded. “Why look like a boy just to please them?”

Jaehwa didn’t reply.

Yoochun sighed in frustration again. He didn’t have long to fume. Junsu was pulling into a driveway only a couple minutes later. There were a few toys in the yard and a red car in the driveway.

Junsu climbed out of the car first, followed by Changmin. Jaehwa stayed put, head lowered. Yoochun knew that she was battling, and it was his fault. He needed to realize how hard this was for her.

“I’m sorry, love,” he whispered and touched her shoulder. She reached up and grabbed his hand. She squeezed it once and then opened the door and climbed out of the car. He watched as she moved to MinSu and Junsu hugged her tightly. He glared at Yoochun in the car.

Yoochun took a deep breath and excited the car. A woman stepped out of the front door. She smiled widely.

“Jaejoong!”

“Hi, noona.”

She rushed to her but Jaehwa moved a little slower. They embraced, and Yoochun heard her jabbering, but didn’t pay attention to what he said.

“That’s Yoojin,” Junsu supplied. “She and Jaehwa are closet in age. She still lives at home, and is unmarried.”

Yoochun nodded absently, but watched Jaehwa’s body language. She stayed tense in her sister’s embrace.

“Yoojin is the first person that Jaehwa told, and she didn’t support her at all. The entire family has taken on this, ‘ignore it and it’ll go away’,” Junsu said.

“What are you three doing all the way over there?” Yoojin asked. “Come in, come in.”

This time Junsu sighed. “Let the judging begin,” he muttered and pushed away from the car. When he was in range, Junsu bowed and said, “Hello, Yoojin-noona.”

Yoojin smiled at him and then looked at Changmin.

“This is my boyfriend, Shim Changmin.”

“Of course, he is. Welcome, Shim Changmin-shi.”

“Thank you, Kim Yoojin-shi,” Changmin said and bowed.

“And this is—“

Yoochun cut Junsu off. “I’m Jaehwa’s boyfriend, Yoojin-shi. My name is Park Yoochun.”

Yoojin’s lips thinned and she raised an eyebrow, turning the look to Jaehwa.

“What? He’s my boyfriend. Get over it.” Jaehwa turned around, and Yoochun imagined her hair, loose and flipping over her shoulder.

Yoojin gave them all one more look and followed after her.

“I knew this trip would be entertaining,” Changmin said.

“Since Jaehwa isn’t here to do it,” Yoochun slapped his arm.

Changmin smirked. “She hits harder than you, hyung.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	9. The Support

“Mother!” Yoojin shouted. “Jaejoong and his friends are here.”

That sounded so wrong to Yoochun. He scowled and bit his lip against a noise of protest.

“Who is Jaejoong?” Changmin muttered, loud enough for them all to hear.

Yoojin glared at him, but didn’t have a chance to say anything when an older woman emerged from the back of the house. She was an attractive woman, probably gorgeous in her younger years. Definitely the source of Jaehwa’s beauty. Another woman emerged behind her, taller and homely.

Jaehwa’s eyes widened, just a bit, and then she hurried forward and bowed, whispering a greeting to her mother and eldest sister, Sooyeon.

Junsu led introductions again. Jaehwa stayed to the side, head bowed.

“And this is Park Yoochun,” Junsu said.

“I’m Jaehwa’s boyfriend,” Yoochun said, eyes locked on her mother’s.

“Welcome to our home,” the old woman said, nostrils flaring a tiny bit. “Jaejoong, be a good _son_ and show Junsu’s friend and your friend up to Yoonah’s old room. You and Junsu may share your old room.”

Yoochun opened his mouth to protest, but Junsu shook his head and he shut it, glaring more at Jaehwa than her mother.

“We will be having lunch soon, if you’d like to join us,” her mother said, even though her tone of voice wished that they wouldn’t.

“Thank you, Mother,” Junsu said with a bow, “but I told my mother we would go to her house for lunch, and be back here before Sooyeon’s birthday dinner.”

Her mother nodded and then turned around and went back into the kitchen.

“Um, what?” Changmin said.

Junsu winced and waved it away. Jaehwa said nothing and headed up the stairs silently. Yoochun swallowed, reached up and grabbed her hand. She turned and smiled at him, interlacing their fingers.

Yoojin cleared her throat, glaring at them.

Pink covered Jaehwa’s cheek, but she did not let go of his hand. She pulled and Yoochun walked up the steps to be even with her.

“What … I … Junsu!” Changmin muttered behind them.

“I’m sorry,” Junsu said back, pained but not really asking for an apology.

“It’s for the best,” Jaehwa said.

“The best for you, maybe,” Changmin said. “I didn’t know I was going to have to meet your parents.”

“Now you know how I feel,” Yoochun said and smiled down at him.

Changmin made a face.

Yoojin cleared her throat again and opened a door in the hall. “This is where you will sleep, Changmin-shi, Yoochun-shi.”

“Thank you, Yoojin-shi,” Changmin said.

Yoochun went into the room. The inside was more or less bare with only one dresser, a small table and two futons spread out on the floor. They didn’t look long enough for Changmin. Yoochun wanted to say something about hospitality, but tried to smile and tossed his backpack into the room. It landed on a futon.

“That one is mine.”

“Jaejoong,” Yoojin said carefully.

“Yes, noona?”

“Your friend is very rude.”

Jaehwa smiled at Yoochun and then at her sister. “So are you, noona.” She turned around and went down the hall. Yoojin followed after her.

“This is going to be fun,” Yoochun muttered.

Junsu winced. “Sorry, guys. They’re so judgmental.”

“They’re mental, all right,” Changmin said.

“Because he loves me!”

Yoochun jerked at the shout from Jaehwa, and the three of them quickly went into the hall. Yoojin’s voice murmured to them, too quiet to hear.

“You’re just upset because no one will marry you!”

Junsu winced again.

Jaehwa stalked out of a room down the hall, face scrunched like she was trying not to cry. She slipped around Yoochun’s outstretched arms and then pounded down the stairs. The front door slammed.

“It is improper for you to love Jaejoong,” Yoojin said.

Yoochun turned around, ready to scream at her, and then what she said registered in his mind. He smirked. “I guess it’s a good thing that I love Jaehwa then, isn’t it?”

Junsu and Changmin snorted, and after a moment of glaring at each other, Yoochun finally broke eye contact and went after Jaehwa. MinSu followed him outside.

Jaehwa was at the car, leaning against the side. Junsu beeped it unlocked, and she climbed into the back seat. As Yoochun walked over, he reminded himself that this was not about him. Yes, everything was awkward, and Jaehwa’s family thought he was gay, but they more or less accepted that. They did not accept Jaehwa. He opened the door and sat next to his girlfriend. Very carefully, he put his arms around her and pulled her close. He nuzzled against her ear, pushing the beanie up so he could kiss her earlobe.

“I love you,” he whispered.

Jaehwa nodded, breath gasping. She turned suddenly and buried her face in Yoochun’s neck. Yoochun held her tightly. He met Changmin’s concerned gaze, and didn’t protest when he reached back and took one of Jaehwa’s hands. She peered at him and then smiled.

“We all love you,” Changmin said, serious for once. “I don’t want to say anything bad about your family, because they’re your family, but … well, we love you and accept you.”

“Aw, dongsaeng,” she said and sat up a little.

Changmin winced and Yoochun looked at their hands and laughed as the two of them squeezed really hard, trying to get the other to let go.

“All right, all right,” Yoochun said, batting at Changmin’s hand. “The big tough guy has to pick on the girl. Leave her alone.”

Changmin faced front. “See if I try to be nice to you again.”

Jaehwa laughed and threw her arms around Changmin’s neck. “Thanks, dongsaeng,” she whispered and kissed his cheek.

Changmin made a face and pushed her back to Yoochun.

Jaehwa curled up with Yoochun and Junsu started the car.

“Fuck my parents’ house,” Junsu said. “Let’s go downtown and get some ramen.”

“That sounds like the best idea of the day,” Changmin said.

“Coward,” Yoochun muttered.

Changmin stuck his tongue out.

Jaehwa laughed and Yoochun smiled, holding her closer as Junsu drove into the city.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

Yoochun shifted the pillow under his head and tried to find a more comfortable spot on the floor. He hadn’t slept on a floor for years. Changmin snored next to him. That was the least of the things keeping him awake.

The main thing bothering him were the glares he got every time he called Jaehwa by her name.

No one at the birthday dinner was happy with him. Except for Junsu, who after a couple of hours of calling her Jae, emulated Yoochun and called her Jaehwa. And Changmin did too, because he was obnoxious like that. Her mother and sisters did everything they could to call her “Jaejoong” or “son” or “brother.”

Yoochun could understand why her family was the way they were. It must have been hard to learn that your only son didn’t see himself as a son, but just another daughter. But as a parent, weren’t you supposed to love your child no matter what? And Jaehwa had done everything her sisters had done. She went to high school and graduated with good grades. She was in college working on a Bachelor’s degree, and working on getting an internship with an entertainment company. Yoochun felt that they should have been happy with her life.

Footsteps shuffled down the hall. A thin band of light seeped in from under the door, and then it was cut off. Someone was in the bathroom. Yoochun sighed and wondered what tomorrow would bring.

Junsu said they were going to have breakfast and then meet one more of Jaehwa’s sisters before going home. Only five of them had been at the birthday dinner; the other three had been busy with their families.

A few minutes later, another set of footsteps sounded in the hall. There was a light knocking, and then Junsu whispering, “Jae-baby, are you okay?”

Yoochun inhaled sharply and waited for the response. But none came. Junsu stayed outside, and Yoochun decided to get up. He couldn’t stay away when he knew that Jaehwa was hurting. He moved through the room quietly, and slipped out the door.

Junsu frowned at him.

“What’s wrong?” Yoochun whispered.

Junsu shook his head and pointed at the door.

“Jae-love?” Yoochun said through the door. He heard the unmistakable sound of a sob. He tried the knob and it turned under his hand. “Love, I’m coming in.”

Junsu clapped him on the back and, instead of going to the room he had been sharing with Jaehwa, went into the room Yoochun and Changmin had been sharing.  
  
A single bulb burned above the mirror. Jaehwa was leaning on the counter, glaring at her reflection. Her eyes were red, skin blotchy with tears. She wore black sweats and a wife beater. And her hair was still pinned up on her head. Yoochun again saw the boy in her and he didn’t like it at all. Yoochun moved behind her, put his arms around her waist and held her tightly.

“I love you,” he whispered and kissed her neck, eyes shut.

Jaehwa breathed deeply and whispered it back, voice raspy.

“I miss my girlfriend,” Yoochun said, nuzzling up to her ear.

Jaehwa froze, and then struggled to turn around, but Yoochun held her tightly with one arm. The other hand he dragged up her front, pulling at the tank top. He paused only long enough to roll one nipple between his fingers, and then moved higher, tracing her collar bones and neck. He continued up, and met her eyes through the mirror.

He smiled and said, “You’re so pretty, love.” With shaking fingers, he unsnapped the clips in her hair; there were a lot of them, and even more bobby pins. He released the twisted bun and ran his fingers through her hair, inhaling deeply as it cascaded around him.

Jaehwa was shaking, and very lightly, she pushed her hips back, into Yoochun’s crotch.

“God, Jae-love, don’t do that,” he muttered, rutting lightly against her. His cock was hard almost instantly.

Her hands slipped behind her, settling on his hips. She tilted her head back and Yoochun kissed down her neck, watching them in the mirror. With her hair down, Jaehwa no longer looked like a boy.

They hadn’t been together for more than a hasty make-out session since their date. It was Yoochun’s fault. He had been a little rough and forceful with her. He knew that, and now he was just waiting until Jaehwa showed him she was okay. More often than not, he caught his beautiful girl worrying her lower lip and wringing her hands.

Jaehwa turned her head and their lips met in an open kiss. “I love you. Thank you so much for defending me.”

Yoochun smiled. “I’d be a horrible boyfriend if I didn’t do whatever I could to make my girl happy.”

“My sisters called you gay, though.”

Yoochun shrugged. “They don’t understand, and they refuse to understand. I know I’m not gay, just like you know that you’re not gay. Tomorrow, please, wear your hair down. Wear something cute and sparkly.”

She smiled and then her eyes shut. She turned in Yoochun’s arms and sat on the counter, wrapping her legs around Yoochun’s waist and yanking him closer. Their lips met in a more frantic kiss and Yoochun slipped his hands under the tank top and up her bare back.

“Oh, fuck,” she gasped, tilting her head, baring her neck.

Yoochun kissed her neck, down to her collarbones. He pressed his erection to the inside of her thigh. She moaned, and then shook her head. “We c-can’t, Chunnie-ah. Not here.”

Yoochun smiled and pulled his back enough to look at her lust blown eyes. “It’ll be quick, and you’d just have to be quiet.”

Jaehwa smirked. “Like I said, we can’t.”

Yoochun growled and kissed her roughly.

There was a sudden tiny whistle outside the door, and Jaehwa pushed Yoochun away. She slipped off the counter and weaved around him, just as the door started opening.

“Excuse me,” Yoochun said, harshly.

One of Jaehwa’s sisters poked her head in the door. Yoochun couldn’t remember which one.

“What are you doing up, Yoochun-shi?” she asked, voice suspicious.

“Am I not allowed to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night?” Yoochun said it rudely, and the sister’s eyes narrowed.

“Have you seen Jaejoong?”

“Nope. I can’t say I’ve ever met anyone named Jaejoong.”

The sister crossed her arms, but said nothing. They stared at each other for a long time, and then Yoochun said, “Please, I would like to use the bathroom without someone watching.”

The sister blushed lightly, but wished him a good evening and left the bathroom. Jaehwa emerged from behind the door, holding a finger to her lips. Yoochun wondered why, and then about a minute later, footsteps left the hallway.

“I used to get in trouble for peeing sitting down,” Jaehwa said, blushing and not looking at him. “They used to spy on me when I was in the bathroom.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah, well …”

Yoochun sighed and bit his lip against another comment. It was Jaehwa’s family, and if he was going to be part of Jaehwa’s life then he had to learn to deal with them. He gathered her up in another hug. “So I’m pretty sure MinSu are doing things on the futon I’m supposed to be sleeping on.”

Jaehwa giggled. “Yeah, probably. I have a place for us to go, but it’s up high.”

Yoochun rolled his eyes. “If you’re there, I won’t even notice.”

With a wide smile, Jaehwa reached around him and turned off the light. She opened the door and checked the hallway. Putting a finger to her lips, she motioned Yoochun to wait. She slipped down the hall and into her room. She reemerged with a blanket and two pillows. Yoochun smiled and followed her down the stairs and through the kitchen. The back door squeaked, but they were outside before the noise really registered. Everything was dark, shrouded by trees. Yoochun kept up across the grass in his bare feet, chilled with dew.

Jaehwa stopped next to a tree and whispered, “Up we go. Wait until I get up there.”

Yoochun looked up and barely made out a small platform. It was like half a tree house.

“Dad built it for me before I … yeah. Anyway.” She wrapped the blanket around her neck and then scrambled up the ladder made of two-by-fours. When she was up there, she held out her hands and Yoochun tossed the pillows up. He missed the first try. And the second. Jaehwa tried to hold back her laughter.

“Shut up,” he muttered, moving to fetch it a few feet away.

It took a few more attempts before the pillows were safely in the tree house. Yoochun swallowed and gripped one of the boards.

“Better hurry, or I’ll be done before you get up here,” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun looked up, glanced at his feet firmly on the ground and took a deep breath. “The things I do for this woman,” he muttered and started climbing. He shut his eyes half way up. His breath was short as he climbed onto the platform, hugging the floor.

Jaehwa laughed.

Fingers gripped his arm and he half-crawled over to where Jaehwa had laid out the blanket. He wrapped his arms around her, jerking in shock when he hit bare skin. Lips pressed against his neck.

“I was almost done,” she said, voice amused. “Guess you’ll have to finish me off.”

Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and found her lips in the dark. She pushed him back and he fell with his head on a pillow. She moved over him, as always, comfortable in the dark. Their lips parted and the kiss bordered on violent.

“Hmm, we can’t … need lube, but …” Her lips moved across his cheek, down his neck. Yoochun gasped, hands gripping her bare hips. He slid them back, cupping her ass. She moaned and pushed against his hands for a moment, and then moved backwards, kissing down his arm while she pushed up his tank top. Her hot mouth closed around his nipple. Her chest brushed over his crotch. He moaned, hips rising.

Yoochun felt her smile as she tugged on his sweat pants. He pushed them down to his knees and then curled his legs up to finish kicking them off.

Jaehwa bypassed the rest of his body. Her soft hand curled around his erection and her lips pressed against the crown in a gentle kiss. “I love you, Chunnie-ah.”

“I-lo-lo-v-you,” Yoochun gasped.

With another chuckle, she opened her mouth and sucked on him lightly.

Yoochun’s eyes squeezed shut and he moaned, reveling in the teasing and the touches. It seemed Jaehwa was content to play. His orgasm teased him, coiling low and dissipating as Jaehwa loosened her grip. He wrapped her long hair in his hands, pulling, trying to make her speed up, but she bit down, lightly, not moving.

“Jae-hwa, please,” he moaned.

“Be good,” she said, voice muffled around his cock.

He loosened his hold, but kept his hands in her hair. She held his hips down and bobbed her head. Yoochun threw his head back with a cry when her lips met his body and she slowed down even more, drawing his length out and lapped at the head.

“Fuck, Jae, just do it.”

“But it’s so much fun to tease you,” she whispered and licked down the shaft.

“Oh my god, I love you, fuck, Jae, come on. Please.”

“And it’s so much fun to hear you beg.” She sucked his balls in to her mouth and used her hand to stroke him firmly. His hips rose and he threw his arms above his head, searching for something to grab onto. They touched nothing but wood and then found a pillow. Heat closed around his dick again and he moaned, legs spreading, hips rising. A few short trips into her mouth had Yoochun screaming his orgasm into the pillow and pumping his release into her throat. He whimpered when she continued to play for a moment, and then she let his erection slip out of her mouth and smack against his stomach.

“Fuck, Jaehwa,” he murmured into the pillow.

He was barely conscious of her laughter. She crawled over him, kissing random bits of skin and then lay next to him. It took a few more minutes for Yoochun to regain control and move the pillow. He turned his head and barely made out the smiling face of his girlfriend. He leaned over, hand sliding up her neck and into her hair, and kissed her deeply.

“My turn?” she whispered.

Yoochun tried to control the fluttering in his heart and said calmly, “For?”

She shrugged. “Whatever. I can’t say I’ve ever been left wanting with you before.”

Yoochun smiled and stole one more kiss. He climbed over her, straddling her upper thighs. His heart was still racing, but he moved her hair and leaned down and kissed her neck and shoulders. “Any chance there is lube stashed in here?”

“For my nieces and nephews to find? Really?”

“Just thought I’d ask.”

Yoochun knew he wouldn’t fuck her without lube. He’d been rough enough with her. Instead, he continued to kiss down her skin. Her hips were moving slightly, rutting against the blanket and pillow beneath her. He pressed his hands to her lower back and moved his hips enough to let her feel that he was still so hard. She moaned, fingers clutching the blanket. It was hard to pleasure her when he couldn’t exactly touch her, but he didn’t think he was comfortable enough to touch her anyway.

Yoochun brought a hand up to his mouth and lathed two fingers with spit. He pressed them gently into her cleft, just teasing and sliding. She tried to spread her legs, hips riding with a quiet moan. Yoochun added more spit and then did it again, this time letting a single finger press into her spasming entrance.

“Oh, Chunnie-ah, please.”

“You’re beautiful when you beg,” he whispered and kissed her neck while his finger moved slowly. She moved with him, hips coming back as he went forward with his hand. She panted, mouth open and he licked at her lips, teasing her into a sideways kiss. He kissed her until his finger dragged in and out of her. Carefully, he removed them and she whimpered in disbelief.

“I was so close,” she said, and then buried her face in the pillow.

Yoochun smiled. “Just a second. I don’t want to hurt you.”

Jaehwa turned her head and said, “And what if pain is what does it for me?”

Yoochun snorted and then slicked his fingers up again. He pressed in two.

Her eyes shut with a hiss, hips rising again to meet his hand.

“Then I better do something about that.” He leaned over her and attacked her back again, biting harder, sucking purple spots into her skin. She cried out, body shaking with every new spot. Yoochun sped up his fingers, this time not stopping as the drag increased. Her hips thrust down and he stilled his hand, letting her do the work as he continued to abuse her back. He let his other hand trail up her body and tangle in her hair.

“C-Chu-unn-nnie-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah—ee, oh shit, yes.” Jaehwa froze and her entrance clenched his fingers tightly, before her body shuddered and then collapsed.

Yoochun softened his touch, moving his fingers slowly and kissing her skin while her back heaved with heavy breaths.

“I love you,” he whispered into her skin.

“Love. You.”

Yoochun grinned and removed his fingers. He crawled over her and lowered his hips, letting his erection slide over her entrance, up and around. She moaned and lifted her hips. He did not flinch when his cock slipped down and pressed against balls. At least not a lot. She sighed and he took a deep breath, not moving before lying against her body. But whatever lust had been there slowly leaked away as he continued to hold still. He kissed her cheek. She smiled and her eyes opened and then she shook her head. Yoochun understood and rolled to the side. They curled up in the blankets, arms around each other.

After Jaehwa’s breathing evened out, Yoochun smiled, because she hadn’t insisted on putting on clothes and her naked body was pressed against his. The whole situation was still confusing as hell, but at least she was comfortable, and he was comfortable, for now, and he didn’t try to move away, nor did he want to move away. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, let his hands run through her hair, and let her breathing lull him to sleep.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	10. The Reset

Yoochun forgot where he was when he woke up. Cold, that much he knew. And not alone. He held Jaehwa closer and blinked his eyes alert. Wooden room. Tree branches, sky gray with dawn. Oh, right. They’d gone outside.

Jaehwa hummed and snuggled into his body. “Don’t get up yet.”

“We have to get back inside,” Yoochun said.

“My mom is already awake and already aware that we’re not there. She wakes up at like four thirty every morning.”

“Wow.”

“Just lay here until she comes searching.”

“At least let’s put some clothes on. It’s freezing.”

“Wimp.”

Yoochun smiled and sat up. Jaehwa’s protest was cut off by a loud shout.

“Kim Jaejoong! You get yourself into this house, young man.”

Jaehwa sighed and tilted her head up. Yoochun smiled again and kissed her lips. Her mom shouted again. They ignored it for a moment longer, and then Jaehwa pulled away. She sat, back to Yoochun, elbows on her bent knees and rubbed her face. Her back was littered with purple spots and red teeth marks. Yoochun ran a finger on her skin.

“Gross. I need a shower.”

“If we were at your place, we could take one together.”

Jaehwa smirked over her shoulder. “You can sneak in with me.”

Yoochun shook his head. “Your mom already doesn’t like me.”

“Yes, but I love you.” Jaehwa kneeled and moved across the tree house to find her sweats.

Yoochun caught a glimpse of her dick and his mouth went dry. He swallowed and then flopped back to the bed, eyes shut to wait until she was dressed. Lips touched his hipbone.

“All covered up and girly again,” she whispered.

He looked at her and frowned. As he opened his mouth to apologize, she shook her head. “Don’t say you’re sorry, Yoochun; I understand.”

He smiled in apology and held out his arm. With a smile, she curled up on his side and their lips touched.

“Better get up before I take my clothes off again,” Jaehwa said, pushing against his body.

Yoochun shut his eyes and moaned. “More sex, face your mother, more sex, face your—“

Jaehwa laughed and pushed away from him. “Come on, get up.”

Yoochun rolled over and pinned her below him. He pressed his morning erection into her side. “Already am. Kiss me.”

Jaehwa wrapped her arms around his neck and laughed. Their lips met again.

“God damn it, Jaehwa!” Junsu shouted. “I know where you are and I will come up there right now!”

“Fuck you!” Jaehwa shouted. “We’re coming down.”

“Down?” Yoochun said, voice cracking as he looked at the ledge.

Jaehwa grinned. “Or you stay up here all day.” She gathered the blanket up, leaving Yoochun naked and cold. Her eyes settled on his crotch and she licked her lips. “Let’s hurry up and get home.”

Yoochun grinned and gave his cock a couple of strokes.

“Damn you,” Jaehwa muttered and turned away. She went to the edge and dropped the bedding down. Without looking at Yoochun, she went down the ladder.

Yoochun laughed and pulled his clothes on. With a deep breath, he shuffled over to the edge of the tree house. When he looked over the edge, he flattened himself to the floor and froze, the ground rushed up to meet him and he shut his eyes.

Past the rushing in his head, he heard Changmin laughing at him.

“Come on, babe,” Jaehwa said. “Even if you fall, it’s only about eight feet. It won’t kill you.”

“Not helping,” Yoochun muttered.

“Turn around and shuffle back. I’ll guide you.”

Yoochun pried an eye open and saw Jaehwa on the ladder again. He took another deep breath and turned around like she said. He felt hands on his knees and they pulled back. He tried not to panic as his legs were in the air, but he followed her directions and found a step with his foot. Her hand stayed on the middle of his back as they slowly went down the ladder. And Yoochun’s knee almost collapsed when he was finally on firm land again.

Changmin laughed. “God, that’s hilarious.”

“Fuck off,” Yoochun said, holding Jaehwa tightly. “Thank you.”

“Why are you so afraid of heights?” Junsu asked.

Changmin laughed again, but Yoochun looked down at Jaehwa. “You didn’t tell him?”

“Why would I tell him?” Jaehwa asked.

“You tell him everything.”

“I tell him everything about me, not you.”

“And that’s how he knew about that time in grocery store bathroom.”

Junsu and Changmin laughed.

“That was about us, not you,” Jaehwa said.

Yoochun shook his head and smiled. To Junsu, he said, “When I was five, my parents took Yoohwan and me skiing and I fell out of the lift. It wasn’t up very high, but that and the tumble down the mountain and the broken leg were enough to scar me against heights for life.”

“And the water thing?” Junsu prompted.

“Jumped into a swimming pool when I was six and realized that you can’t breathe underwater.”

“He’s just a wimp,” Changmin said.

“Don’t make me defend his honor,” Jaehwa said.

Changmin held up his hands. “I said it to Yoochun and I’ll say it to you. You hit harder than he does, so don’t worry. Your frail little boyfriend is safe.”

Yoochun would have hit him, but that meant letting go of Jaehwa, and his knees still weren’t quite steady yet, and really, why would he want to let go of Jaehwa?

They entered the house, and froze under the glare of Jaehwa’s mother. Yoochun scowled at her, but Jaehwa, lowered her head and patted her long hair.

“Young man, this is unacceptable behavior. Completely disrespectful of this house and your sister on her birthday,” her mother said.

“Yes, ma’am,” Jaehwa said and tried to get out of Yoochun’s hold, but he held on even tighter.

“You better be lucky your father is not here this weekend.”

Yoochun’s entire body stiffened. “I wish he was here. Jaehwa is an adult and perfectly capable of living her life as she wants.”

“Chunnie, please,” Jaehwa muttered.

Yoochun shut his eyes, nostrils flaring, and then pulled Jaehwa through the kitchen. He stopped, just inside the main hall and said, “Go get pretty and pack. Let’s get out of here.”

Jaehwa opened her mouth to protest and then nodded. She turned around and almost flew up the stairs. Junsu followed her, and Changmin more slowly.

Yoochun turned back to her mother. “This is a very difficult time for Jaehwa, and she has so many problems trying to discover who she is and what she needs to be happy. You are not helping. You may think your son has betrayed you, or is only doing this for some weird type of attention, but Jaehwa is still your child.”

“You dare lecture me?” the woman said.

Yoochun smirked. “Yes, I dare. I love your daughter. I love her for who she is inside of the body that isn’t hers. I have more of a right to lecture you, than you do me. I accept her. She is mine to hold and cherish, and I hope that one day you will see that, and when she comes home to see her family, she doesn’t have to hide the beautiful girl she is.” Yoochun didn’t think he could continue talking without swearing and yelling, so he turned around and went upstairs.

Junsu was at the top, arms folded, smiling. “Thank you,” he said. “Jaehwa heard you too, so don’t be surprised if her eyes are bloodshot from crying.”

Yoochun hugged Junsu tightly. “Get me out of here before I start murdering them.”

Junsu chuckled. “They do have that effect. Thanks for supporting her. And loving her. She needs it so much.”

“Don’t we all?” Yoochun asked.

Changmin cleared his throat, and Yoochun smiled at the jealousy in his eyes. He still had his arms around Junsu’s waist. “Don’t worry, dongsaeng. I’m not tall enough for him.”

“Nope, he’s not.”

“Now, Yunho, on the other hand—“

Changmin tried to smack him, but Yoochun laughed and ducked around him and into the room to change.

They left shortly after that. Jaehwa took a very quick shower and then braided her hair in two braids. Yoochun smiled and pulled on them as they walked to Yoochun’s car. She also wore her tight red skinny jeans, and a very billowy cream top that left a shoulder bare. Yoochun kept kissing that skin too. They all had bowed ninety degrees to her mother and thanked her for her hospitality, but she had said nothing to them, turning and going back into the house. Jaehwa did her best to stay strong, but Yoochun knew it bothered her.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**August 2012**

Three weeks later, Yoochun sat in his usual booth at Angel Café, sipping on his coffee. He watched as Jaehwa smiled and served her customers. Her hair was up in a sloppy bun and she wore a plaid t-shirt dress over white leggings. And of course, she was wearing her combat boots. She looked over suddenly, caught his eyes and smiled, cheeks turning pink for a moment. She turned away and disappeared in the back.

Yoochun could not believe that it had been almost a year and a half since they had first met. He had drowned in her eyes and smile that first day, and the second and the third, and now drowned in her heart and body.

His phone vibrated on the table. He picked it up and frowned at the display. Why was Yoohwan calling him?

“Hello, dongsaeng,” he said.

“This is your mother.”

“Mom. Hey. W-what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Your brother is at the shop and is a good son and visits his mother every now and then and lets her borrow his phone because otherwise there is no way that her other, older, filial son would ever answer when she called.”

Yoochun winced. It was true that lately he’d been avoiding his mother. But she constantly asked—

“When are you bringing your girlfriend over to meet me? Yoohwan says you’ve been dating for over a year.”

So much for trustworthy dongsaengs.

“Soon, Mother, I promise.”

“That is what you said last month.”

Jaehwa frowned and sat across from him. She tilted her head in question and he mouthed, _My mother._ With a smile, she held out her hand for the phone. Yoochun shook his head. She made an irritated noise and snatched the phone anyway.

“Jaehwa!”

“Hello Mrs. Park. This is Yoochun’s girlfriend, Kim Jaehwa.”

Yoochun groaned and put his head on the table.

“Oh no … it’s not his fault. I work a lot, plus we both have school … It’s going very well, thank you. I graduate next semester … Well, there is that, but no, I don’t think he’s avoiding you on purpose … Okay, maybe he is. But he recently met my mother and that didn’t go over very well, and I think he’s worried about what you will think of me … Yes, ma’am. A year and a half actually … He is a horrible son, isn’t he?”

Yoochun snorted and she made kissy faces at him.

“I get off work in about an hour … Yes … yes, ma’am. Yes … Perfect. We’ll see you then.”

Yoochun’s head shot off the table. “What?”

Jaehwa shushed him. “Of course. Of course. … We’d be thrilled. … Okay, good bye.” She handed the phone back to Yoochun. “We’re going to go see her when I get off work.”

Yoochun groaned and put his head back on the table.

“She can’t be worse than my mother,” Jaehwa whispered. “I get to be myself, and I don’t have to hide.” Her fingers touched his hand and he moved it so they could hold hands. “I love you.”

“I love you,” he said and turned his head.

Jaehwa stood up and kissed his cheek. “I have to get back to work. Don’t you dare spend the next hour trying to think of a way out of this.”

Yoochun spent the next hour trying to think of a way out it, but with both his mother and his girlfriend against him, he knew it would be better if he gave up without a fight.

Jaehwa smiled at him as she pulled on her jacket. “Stop acting like the world is ending, and just remember that we went a little kinky after meeting my mother. Who knows what will happen after meeting yours?”

He groaned again and slammed his head on the table for good measure.

“Your boyfriend is a wimp,” Junsu said from across the cafe. “Give him his balls back.”

Jaehwa laughed. “No way. I like them in my purse.” Fingers carded through Yoochun’s hair. “Come on, babe. Let’s go.”

“Fine, fine.” Yoochun stood up. He put on his jacket and then held out his arm. Jaehwa put her hand through it and smiled at him. Like always, he was unable to resist and he leaned over and kissed her lightly. “Are you nervous at all?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, but … aren’t you nervous?”

“Terrified.”

“Why?”

Yoochun sighed and held the door open for her. It was raining, so Yoochun hailed a cab and opened the back door when it pulled to the curb. Jaehwa climbed in, and he followed her.

“I guess I just don’t … I don’t want her to put any pressure on you. My mother is … well, opposite of your family, I guess. After I was born, she wanted a girl, and then Yoohwan was born, and then she and my father started having problems, so she never had any more kids. There is a lot of pressure on Yoohwan and me to have grandchildren.”

Jaehwa frowned and looked outside. They hadn’t talked about marriage or children for over a month.

Yoochun squeezed her hand tightly. “Please don’t … I don’t know. I … I don’t want you to ever feel like I’m pressuring you to do anything. I don’t want you to think I’d leave you because of the children thing. And if we do decide to have children, my mother isn’t going to care that you can’t. Why you can’t will always be between us.”

“Are you ashamed of me?” she whispered.

“Jaehwa, come on,” Yoochun said. He shot a look at the cab driver. “I am not ashamed of you, but if we tell my mother and my brother, it will be a mutual decision, not one that that I make on my own or force you into. Okay?”

“I know, I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair,” Jaehwa whispered and leaned against him. Yoochun put his arm around her and held her tightly.

The cab stopped right outside of his mother’s gelato shop. Yoochun paid the driver and thanked him as Jaehwa climbed out. The rain had increased, so he lifted his jacket to cover Jaehwa as they moved quickly and entered the door of the shop. Yoochun shook his jacket out and then hung it up on the rack provided. He held Jaehwa’s, but she shook her head, keeping it on. A security.

“Hyung!”

Yoochun smiled at his younger brother Yoohwan and strode over to him. There was a four year age difference between them, but more than one person had always said they looked enough alike to be twins. They hugged tightly, and then Yoochun pulled away and turned to Jaehwa. He smiled at her and said, “Dongsaeng, this is Jaehwa, my girlfriend.”

Yoohwan smiled and bowed ninety degrees and greeted him formally.

Jaehwa giggled and bowed back. “Much better mannered than your brother,” she said. “He just drooled and stared at me the first time we met. Didn’t even bow properly.”

Yoohwan laughed.

“Who could this young man be? Just a customer?” Yoochun’s mom asked. “I don’t know who he is. He sort of looks like my long lost son, but I can’t be sure.”

Yoochun smiled and moved to his mother. “Hello, Mother.”

“Mother? What is this? I only have one son.”

“Come on, Mom, I’m sorry.” Yoochun turned to Jaehwa and held out his hand. She nervously moved to them and bowed quickly. “Mom, this is my girlfriend, Jaehwa.”

“It is my honor to meet you,” Jaehwa said before standing up straight.

Yoochun’s mom stared at her, eyes narrowing. “I am confused.”

“About what?” Yoochun asked.

“There is nothing wrong with this girl,” she said, glaring at Yoochun. “You haven’t introduced me to her, so I figured she was stupid or ugly or fat or, god forbid, American, but she’s a nice Korean girl. Tall and beautiful. Why have you not introduced us before?”

Yoochun bit his lip and shrugged. “I don’t know, Mother. We, she … we …”

“It’s my fault, really,” Jaehwa said suddenly, squeezing his hand. “I’ve met the parents before and I was … nervous, and …”

Yoochun’s mom took her hands and pulled her away from Yoochun. “You have nothing to be worried about, Jaehwa. You’re beautiful. I couldn’t ask for a better woman to date my son. Now, would you like some gelato?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“What flavor?”

“Do you have watermelon?”

“Yes. It’s Yoochun’s favorite.”

Yoochun’s mom gave him a look and Yoochun smiled. They liked the same gelato flavor, so therefore, they were a match made in heaven.

“Seriously, hyung,” Yoohwan said, their mother’s talking covering their conversation. “What’s wrong with her?”

“Nothing, why?”

Yoohwan shrugged. “There has to be some reason why it’s taken you so long to introduce her to us.”

“And if there is, that’s our reason, and it isn’t your business.”

“So there is a reason.”

“There could be.”

Jaehwa laughed suddenly and Yoochun smiled. He flung his arm around his brother. “Don’t be jealous because my girlfriend is hot, dongsaeng, and you don’t have one.”

“Fuck off,” he muttered and shoved him.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	11. The Progress

**November 2012**

A harsh beeping filled Yoochun’s dreams. It didn’t interrupt much. Just vague images of Jaehwa’s laughter and a beach. He woke up smiling, and then sighed in contentment, feeling Jaehwa pressed against him. She was still asleep. He traced his fingers up and down her bare back. She shifted, pressing closer to him.

Yoochun smiled. Just the day before, he’d gotten a text from Junsu asking if he was ever going to give Jaehwa back. Yoochun hadn't noticed how much Jaehwa had been over at his apartment in the last three months. She kept a lot of clothes in his closet and even more stuff in his bathroom. And she had spent almost every night for the last month over at Yoochun’s house. He loved it for three reasons. Always being with his girlfriend and a constant stream of sex were the first two that always came to mind, but the third was the most important. They were growing more and more comfortable with each other. That didn’t mean that Jaehwa flashed and flaunted her body, but it meant that Yoochun no longer cringed or shivered when Jaehwa was naked, or like that morning, with her crotch on his hip.

And sex. Oh god, the sex. Because they were getting more and more comfortable, Jaehwa didn’t try or even think to hide herself from Yoochun. Yoochun still didn’t touch her _there_ because it was like Yunho said, massive turn off, but more often than not, they had sex facing each other instead of with Yoochun always behind her.

Some nights, Jaehwa went crazy in bed, and Yoochun most definitely did not mind. He touched his fingers to red spots on her back. He had a few matching ones on his chest, complete with bite and nail marks.

Yoochun shivered. It was only nine. On a Sunday. He remembered that Jaehwa had made plans to meet MinSu for breakfast, but really, MinSu would understand.

Very carefully, he shifted out from under Jaehwa. She whimpered, shifting to her side, but did not wake up. Yoochun smiled and climbed out of bed. Not far, just to their pile of clothes from the night before. His neck tie was buried under his slacks. They’d gone to dinner and then a piano concerto of the students from their university. The music was lovely, emotional, but nothing compared to the moans and whimpers Jaehwa made when she was turned on and excited. He went back to the bed and slowly climbed over her, knees at her hips. He threaded the tie through the headboard, and then gently took her wrists.

Jaehwa whimpered, hips rising, like she was trying to wake up. She was not usually a morning person.

Yoochun smiled and finished tightening the knots. Her hands were bound, lifted up. He sat back and smiled at her, ran his hands up and down her chest and stomach. And he watched as her penis jerked. Forced himself to look even though he knew better than to touch. What would she look like with a vagina? He’d gotten curious and looked up images before, but he didn’t want to do things like that without Jaehwa next to him. He wanted her to talk to him about it. He knew that she talked to Junsu about it, and to her therapist (who she still refused to quit seeing), but Yoochun wanted her to talk to him.

Jaehwa moaned under him and he jerked, shocked that during his musings, he’d lightly cupped her and squeezed. He hastily removed his hand and fell over her bound body. He laid kisses on her neck and chest.

“Chunnie-ah,” she whispered and moaned again when Yoochun rolled his hips against her body.

“Good morning, my love,” Yoochun said and smiled. He adjusted his knees and hooked her legs under his elbows. With a minor adjustment, he pushed into her body.

She whimpered something that sounded like a curse, and her eyes blinked open.

Yoochun moved slowly, thrusting in the way he’d learned over the last few months that kept their bodies together and brought her the most pleasure. It was more of a hip roll than a thrust, but worth it when every time he did it, her body tightened around him and she let out a little puff of noise.

“Chunnie.”

Yoochun chuckled at her tone. “Yes?”

“W-why-“ Her hands flexed and her back rose off the bed.

“I have enough nail marks my back,” he said and kissed her neck again. He sped up.

Her protests turned to moans, and her hips rolled to meet his thrusts. “Some days—oh god, harder—hate … fuck, Chunnie!”

He swallowed her high pitched cry in a deep kiss, snapping his hips forward. Her legs tightened, her body tensed and she ripped away from him, shuddering her release between them. Yoochun smiled and went back to her neck with his lips.

“You know,” she said, chest heaving, “most people … mmm, god … ask permission before …” She shivered, legs stretching wider.

“I knew you wouldn’t mind,” Yoochun said.

Jaehwa scoffed. “Hurry up. I want to shower.”

“So do I,” Yoochun said, licking up to her ear. He nibbled on the lobe, smiling as she trembled underneath him. “I want to take a shower with you.”

Her body froze for a moment, and then relaxed. “Then hurry up.”

Yoochun smiled, laughed, and then pushed up, away from her. He grabbed behind her knees, bent her legs farther, so her feet were level with her hands, and thrust into her harshly.

“Fuck!” she shouted. Her fingers were white where she gripped the tie.

Yoochun tilted his head back, eyes shut as he let his orgasm build.

“You stupid fucker, I want to touch you!” Jaehwa complained, making Yoochun smile again. He waited until he was ready to come, and then looked back down at his girlfriend. At all of her. His eyes were clouded with need, but he could still see her. Below him, bouncing around, skin dotted with her white release. He readjusted, gripping behind her thighs instead of her knees. His fingers touched her balls, and she whimpered, but he did not move his hands. The pressure built and at the very last moment, he made himself touch her, just a little, fingers curled lightly around. She cried out and then he came, falling forward with both hands on either side of her body. His hips snapped into her and he pumped out his release inside her spasming body.

It took a few seconds before he could think again. With a muttered groan, he pulled his hips away and lifted his head. Her eyes were shut, chest still rising and falling quickly. He pressed light kisses to her cheek and neck until she smiled.

“Untie me, please.”

“No. You might hurt me.”

Jaehwa narrowed her eyes at him. Her lower body shifted and a knee was suddenly between his legs, pressing against his groin. “I can hurt you like this, too.”

“Woah, there,” Yoochun said, trying really hard not to laugh. “Okay, okay. Just … don’t …”

She added pressure, and Yoochun’s eyes shut and he moved against her leg.

“Oh my god, you are such a sex fiend!”

“Says the virginal nun,” he replied and got a snort in response.

With another laugh, he reached up and untied her. Almost immediately, she pushed him away, and climbed out of bed. With staggering steps, she walked across the room. Yoochun wondered if she was upset with him.

At the door, she smirked over her shoulder. “Weren’t we taking a shower?”

Yoochun grinned and sat up. “Yes.”

“Give me five minutes.”

“Okay.”

She slipped out the door and Yoochun stood up, stretching. He noticed Jaehwa’s cell phone, flashing with a notification of a text message. He picked it up. It was from Junsu.

_Tell Yoochun to get out of your ass! You’re supposed to be meeting us for breakfast!_

Yoochun replied: _I like being in her ass, and we’re going to take a shower. Together. And we will meet you for lunch._

Junsu: _I had plans to have something in my ass for lunch. Damn it. You two are sex whores._

Yoochun laughed and told him to go eat Changmin’s ass for brunch. He tossed the phone on the bed and went to his bathroom. The shower was already running, the room warm from steam. He used the toilet first, and then went to the sink to brush his teeth.

“I thought you had changed your mind,” Jaehwa said carefully.

Yoochun spit in the sink and rinsed his mouth out. “Your best friend said for me to get out of your ass and get to breakfast, so I had to tell him that I like being in your ass and to have Changmin for breakfast.”

Jaehwa laughed. “Why do I love that kid so much?”

“That is something I have never understood,” Yoochun said and pulled the curtain back to climb in the shower.

Jaehwa was tense, as Yoochun knew she would be. She kept her back to him as she lathered her hair with his conditioner.

“I wanted to wash your hair,” he said with a pout and put his arms around her waist. Half of his body was hot from the water and the other half cold.

“You shouldn’t have taken the time to flirt with Junsu then.”

Yoochun laughed and pressed a kiss to her neck. He moved her from the shower spray and ducked under it to wet his head. Slick fingers trailed over his nipples. He gasped and grabbed Jaehwa’s wrists. Their eyes met and she smiled and he hugged her tightly and kissed her under the shower spray.

“I haven’t told you I love you yet today,” Yoochun said.

“You’re slacking.”

“I am. I love you.”

“I love you,” she replied.

“Can we have a serious talk without you thinking that I’m breaking up with you?”

Her body froze. “Probably not.”

Yoochun smiled and kissed her shoulder and then her neck again. “Junsu and I have been talking behind your back, and we both really want you to get a new therapist.”

“I know.”

“He isn’t helping you, love. He’s like … he’s like your family, where he thinks you’re just cross-dressing.”

“What if I am just cross-dressing though?”

Yoochun pulled away from her and gave her a look. “Really?”

She looked away and pushed by him. He moved so she could rinse out her hair and he grabbed his shampoo. Half way through scrubbing, her hands took over, and he leaned his head back with a sigh.

“I love you, Jaehwa, I really do. Every time I think I can’t love you more, I hope that I can, because then I’ll love you more and more. That makes more sense in my head, but you get it, right?”

“Yeah,” she whispered. “I get it.”

Yoochun turned around and ignored the soap dripping down his face. He cupped her cheeks with his hands and said, “I will always love you and always support you in whatever you decide to do. I want to go smack your therapist, because you doubt yourself because of him. He isn’t helping you, my love. He isn’t.”

Her eyes shut and tears mingled with the water. Yoochun shut his eyes and ducked under the water again. She stood to the side, arms crossed. Sometime in the last month, she’d moved into his bathroom. There was a pink loufa and body wash that smelled like peaches, a pink razor and another scrubby thing and something that looked like it could have been a sex toy, but Jaehwa said she used it on her feet. And if his memory served him, there were lotions and stuff in his bathroom drawers.

Yoochun took the loufa and filled it with body wash. Jaehwa tensed at the first touch and then relaxed as Yoochun washed her body. He started at her shoulders and arms, then went across her chest and down her stomach. Her breathing sped up, but Yoochun wasn’t going to risk it again and he bypassed the middle of her body and washed her legs. He stayed on his knees, watering pounding over him. He ran his hands up her skin, washing the soap away, and then followed with his lips, over the curve of her ass and to her hips. He bit down and sucked. Jaehwa grabbed his shoulders with a whimper, knees buckling. Yoochun smiled and kissed higher, and around, not quite at the bend of her hip. Not that close. Biting, he used her body and the wall to pepper her skin in more red marks.

“Chunnie-ah.”

“Hmm?” he asked against her collarbone. He used his grip on her hips to pull their bodies together.

She tilted her head back into the stream of water, mouth open as Yoochun sucked a mark on her shoulder. She jerked forward with a cry, sliding against him, smooth skin slick on the edge of his cock.

“I think we need to go back to bed,” Jaehwa said.

“You are so smart,” Yoochun said.

They hastily rinsed off. Jaehwa climbed out of the shower first and reached for a towel. Yoochun grabbed his robe from the hook and draped it over her shoulders. “Go. I’ll dry off on the way.”

Jaehwa laughed and spun in his arms. He slipped his hands into the robe and moaned, pulling their bodies together again. They staggered through his apartment, unwilling to let go of the other. Eventually, they made it to the bed. Yoochun fell to the bed, crawling up to the pillows. But Jaehwa didn’t follow. He looked back, and saw her with her phone in her hands. She smiled and typed something into it and then tossed the phone onto the floor.

“What was that?” Yoochun asked as she crawled over him, his blue robe open and teasing his eyes.

“Just told Junsu that we’d have to meet him for dinner.”

Yoochun laughed and grabbed around her middle. He pulled her against her body and their lips met. She moaned into the kiss and rolled to the side. Yoochun easily followed, throwing a leg over her thighs. His hand curled under the robe, around her waist.

“My hair is going to look like crap if I don’t dry it first,” she said against his lips.

“Then I guess we’ll have to get in the shower again. Should I make you sweaty and sticky enough to rationalize another?”

“Yes, please.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

“Chunnie, I have to go back to work,” Jaehwa said, trying not to laugh as Yoochun trailed his lips whisper-soft down her neck.

“I got a job for you,” he muttered.

“I have the same job for you,” she said back.

Yoochun laughed and tried to kiss her lips. She leaned away from him, laughing at his pout, and then kissed him deeply, arms around his neck.

Junsu made a disgusted noise from across the café.

“You don’t have to go,” Yoochun said, pulling her closer by her hips. His hands slid under her skirt, fingers touching the top of her tights. “There aren’t any customers.”

“Oh my god, seriously. Are you sixteen?” Junsu said. “Get a leash on your pet, Jaehwa.”

“He likes that,” Jae said back.

“Oh, god, do I like that,” Yoochun said, fingers going higher up. Jaehwa’s breath sped up, body shivering.

Junsu sat across from them and said, “Then I guess you leave me no choice.”

“In what?” Jaehwa asked, voice breathy.

“You haven’t told him yet, so I’m going to tell him.”

Jaehwa pushed Yoochun away. “Don’t you dare.”

“Tell me what?” Yoochun said, still trying to kiss her skin. Her shirt had slipped down, revealing a collarbone.

“Don’t, Junsu.”

Yoochun waited a few seconds as she grew more and more tense. He cupped her face and made her look at him. “My love?”

Her eyes shut with a sigh. “I have a new therapist.”

“Thank god!” Yoochun said and flung his hands in the air.

“And …” Junsu prompted.

“And what?” Yoochun asked.

“She wants to meet you.”

“Okay. Good.”

“Huh?” Jaehwa said, confused.

“Let’s go. Right now? When is your next appointment?”

“You want to come with me?”

“Of course I want to come with you, why would I not want to come with you?”

Jaehwa blushed and looked away, so Yoochun looked to Junsu for an explanation. He waved his hand and said, “You know Jaehwa. All insecure and shit when she shouldn’t be.”

Yoochun nodded. “You said, she. Your new therapist is a woman.”

Jaehwa nodded.

“Even better,” Junsu said. “Her name is Doctor Lee. She’s Korean, but she studied in America, which is where she got her degree and her experience. She specializes in sexual therapy.”

“Perfect,” Yoochun said and put his arm around Jaehwa’s shoulders.

A customer entered the store, and Junsu stood up to help them.

Jaehwa leaned into his arms.

“Why were you afraid to tell me?”

Jaehwa shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t … I … She’s different, and she’s … she’s so nice. I was worried it wouldn’t work out, so I was waiting to tell you until I knew for certain that I’d be seeing her for a while.”

“How long have you been seeing her?”

“I’ve only met with her twice, but she … she … I really like her. She doesn’t ask me how Jaejoong is feeling.”

Yoochun’s eyes went wide. “That other guy … what … Jaehwa!”

She smiled softly and turned her head to bury more into his chest. “I know. I know. I’m meeting with Doctor Lee again tomorrow, but you’ll have to miss your Management class if you want to come with me.”

Yoochun kissed the top of her head, arms tightening. “Missing one class won’t kill me. I’ll be there. I love you so much.”

“Promise?” she whispered, tilting her head up.

“I promise.” Their lips met just as the door jingled again, and a group of rowdy teenagers came in. Jaehwa sighed and Yoochun let her go. She slipped out of the booth and headed to the front. Yoochun sipped on his now-cold latte and smiled, watching her greet the customers. The guys in the group tried to act cool and manly in front of her.

This was a great step for his girl. She needed to talk to someone just like this Doctor Lee. Someone else that accepted her for who she was. Maybe with this new therapist, Jaehwa would learn not to hate herself, and not be so afraid of taking that last step toward truly becoming who she was inside.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	12. The Meeting

**From Yo-dongsaeng:** _Yo-hyung! Late lunch today?_  
**From Yo-hyung:** _Can’t. I’m meeting with Jaehwa at 12:30_  
**From Yo-dongsaeng:** _Don’t you have class at 1?_  
**From Yo-hyung:** _Yes, but this is more important than class._  
**From Yo-dongsaeng:** _Sex is more important than class? You’re such a bad example._

Yoochun laughed and flagged down a taxi. He gave him the address to Jaehwa’s therapist’s office and then replied to his brother.

 **From Yo-hyung:** _Do as I say, not as I do._  
**From Yo-dongsaeng:** _Is that some sort of sexual joke?_  
**From Yo-hyung:** _Pervert._  
**From Yo-dongsaeng:** _Learned from the best._

The cab pulled up to a high rise office building in the middle of town. Yoochun paid him with a thanks, and got out. Jaehwa was waiting for him next to a revolving door. She wore a pink skirt that fell past her knees. Contrasting sharply with the color was her olive army jacket and those combat boots. The air was warmer than was normal for November and she had on a tan, knit sweater that hung past her hips. In her hand was a tray with three cups of coffee, all with the Angel Café logo printed on the side.

“For you, love,” she said, pointing to one of the cups.

“Thank you,” Yoochun said, but kissed her cheek before taking the coffee.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“Yeah, why?’

“I was expecting you to back out of this.”

“Why would I?” Yoochun asked and put his arm around her waist to direct her into the building.

“You’re a guy, and guys don’t like therapy.”

Yoochun smiled. “Guys only don’t like therapy when they know they’ve done something wrong.”

Jaehwa laughed. She led them to the elevator and they rode up in silence. Yoochun shut his eyes and inhaled deeply. His girlfriend always smelled so pretty. They arrived at the eleventh floor, and Jaehwa led the way into the lobby. She waved at the receptionist who was on the phone, and the receptionist smiled and indicated that they could go into the room.

Yoochun noticed Jaehwa’s shoulders tensing slightly as she walked into the therapist’s office.

The woman at the desk was beautiful. Lithe and stunning, she had long black hair, straight all the way to her elbows. She wore a navy dress suit and classic heels. She smiled and said hello to Jaehwa.

“I brought you a latte.”

“Thank you, Jaehwa-shi. It’s amazing how good the coffee is at Angel Café.”

After swallowing nervously, Jaehwa turned and introduced her to Yoochun.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, Doctor Lee,” Yoochun said and bowed.

Doctor Lee bowed back. “You too, Park Yoochun-shi. I am very happy that there is someone in Jaehwa’s life that loves her for who she is.”

“I do. Combat boots and all.”

“What’s wrong with my boots?” Jaehwa asked, hands on her hips.

Yoochun laughed. “Nothing. You know I love them.”

Doctor Lee smiled and gestured to two chairs for them to sit. Yoochun noted that there was no couch in this therapist’s office, and the colors were shades of pinks, creams and greens, soothing, but not obviously though.

“So Yoochun-shi, Jaehwa says you’re almost done with your Bachelor’s degree in Business Management.”

“I graduate in the spring.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“What plans after?”

Yoochun shrugged. “I’ll probably start working toward an MBA, or specialize in restaurant management. My mother has a gelato shop and I do most of her business work. She wants to expand.”

“A worthy goal. May I ask how Jaehwa fits into your future plans?”

Yoochun looked over at his girlfriend and smiled, “In any way she wants to.”

“And that means?”

Yoochun turned back to Doctor Lee. “Maybe you should ask her that?”

Jaehwa cleared her throat. “We-we haven’t really made any firm plans, but we … I don’t know. Yoochun-ah?”

With a smile, Yoochun reached between their chairs and took Jaehwa’s hand. “Junsu does have a point about you spending more time at my apartment than at yours.”

Jaehwa looked away, eyes downcast. She nibbled on her lower lip and whispered, “I’m not ready yet.”

“I know.”

Doctor Lee examined them closely. “Have you talked about moving in together before?”

“No,” Yoochun said.

“Why not? You’ve been dating for almost two years, right?”

“A year and a half,” Jaehwa muttered.

“Does it feel too soon in your relationship?”

Yoochun stiffened at the tone of the question and Jaehwa looked at him with wide eyes. His confident girlfriend was quickly withdrawing into her insecurity. She tugged at the sleeves of her sweater.

“I don’t think it matters what ‘soon’ means,” Yoochun said carefully. “We haven’t talked about it, and the last relationship Jaehwa had, they broke up right after discussing moving in together, so I can understand her hesitation, and I’m pretty sure my mother would kill me. We’ll move in together when it’s right for us, not in whatever timeframe is deemed by society.”

Doctor Lee smiled. “Jaehwa did say you’re a practical person.”

Jaehwa squeezed his hand.

“Jaehwa and I have only met twice,” Doctor Lee continued. “We’ve talked about her school and a little bit about her childhood, but besides only mentioning she had a boyfriend, and basic details, she did not say much about you. So let’s start with you.”

Yoochun stayed quiet for a moment. “And that means …”

Jaehwa snorted.

Yoochun smiled at her, squeezing her hand back. She shifted in the chair, leaning toward Yoochun with her legs crossed, coffee cup up to her face.

“Do you want me to talk about my childhood?”

Doctor Lee smiled. “Only if it comes up, but I meant in regards to Jaehwa and how you met.”

Yoochun raised his coffee cup. “I went into Angel Café with a friend and fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world and probably in the heavens too.”

Jaehwa blushed.

“So attraction was pretty instantaneous.”

“Yeah. Jaehwa is beautiful.” He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles. “I asked her out probably every day for four months until she finally said yes.”

“Why did you try so hard?”

Yoochun kept his eyes on Jaehwa, even though she was looking at her lap. “Her smile, her laugh, her attitude. I knew within the first week that she was a strong girl and she wouldn’t let any man control her or make her act a certain way. Because she wouldn’t go out with me, I went to the café and talked to her there and we like the same music and the same food.”

“When did she tell you that she was born into a male body?”

“After we’d been dating for four months. It was about eight months after I first met her.”

“And you were okay with that?”

“No.”

Jaehwa looked up sharply at him, eyes wide. He smiled and kissed her hand again.

“It took me a very long time to be okay with it.”

Jaehwa looked away.

“But you’re okay with it now?”

“Of course. It’s not Jaehwa’s fault she was born into a male body.”

“But you’re not gay. Or bisexual.”

“Those are just words society made up to define things. I love Jaehwa.”

Doctor Lee pondered him for a moment. “Let me ask this a different way. It might be a little personal, and if you don’t wish to answer you don’t have to. You two are lovers, correct?”

“Yes,” Yoochun answered, conscious of Jaehwa shifting in her seat.

“And you have no problems at all getting erect or orgasming with Jaehwa?”

“Nope.”

“And you have no problems pleasuring Jaehwa and making sure that she orgasms as well?”

“We’ve learned.”

“Learned what?”

“How …” Yoochun looked at Jaehwa. Her face was pink, eyes lowered. She was playing with a snag on her sweater with her fingers. “Love?”

Jaehwa shook her head. “I’m okay,” she whispered.

Yoochun kept his eyes on her as he said, “We’ve learned to pleasure each other.”

Doctor Lee nodded. “And there isn’t a problem with Jaehwa being physically different from other girls you’ve dated?”

“Not anymore,” Yoochun said with a grin. “I was … at first it was difficult. And if you don’t mind me being crude, I had a hard time fucking her unless I was behind her, but now we’re okay. It’s been about five months, and we’re still getting used to each other.”

“Do you talk about how to please each other?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Yoochun paused again.

“I hate it,” Jaehwa whispered. “That’s why.”

Doctor Lee nodded. “Understandable. Is there anything in particular that you hate about it, or just that it’s there.”

Jaehwa squeezed Yoochun’s hand tightly and he saw her chest hitch, holding her breath. It took her a very long time to reply. “It’s there.”

“Does Yoochun ever touch it?”

“S-some-sometimes,” Jaehwa said, looking to the left, away from Yoochun, hiding behind her hair.

“And you don’t like that?”

She shook her head quickly. “B-but in—“ She had to take a deep breath, and Yoochun squeezed her hand. “Sometimes, in the moment. It just … feels … but after. No. I don’t like it.”

Yoochun met Doctor Lee’s eyes, but her question was directed at Jaehwa. “Why do you think he touches it?”

Her shoulder lifted in a shrug.

“Do you think he does it to hurt you?”

Yoochun opened his mouth to protest that, but she raised her hand to keep him silent.

“No,” Jaehwa muttered.

“Does it hurt you?”

She shrugged again. “He knows I don’t like it.”

“Do you tell him that? When he touches it, do you tell him, please don’t. I don’t like that.”

Jaehwa shook her head.

“You need to,” she said. “For him and for you, because he should not be doing something you don’t like, and he shouldn’t have to guess.”

Yoochun winced, guilty, and then tugged on Jaehwa’s hand until she looked at him. “I’m sorry. I won’t.”

She bit her lip and looked away again.

“Jaehwa,” Doctor Lee prompted.

She lifted her shoulder in another shrug and whispered, “It feels good.”

“Does that embarrass you?”

“A little.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed for whatever makes you feel good,” Doctor Lee said. “You have this body, it isn’t the right body, but it is yours. I’m not going to advise that you embrace your masculinity or other such nonsense, but if you’re willing, you should explore your sexuality and find out what does and doesn’t work. Yoochun loves you, I just met him and I can tell that he loves you, so the two of you should work it out and find out together what you do and don’t like. You should never feel ashamed about yourself. Yes, you were given the wrong body, but there’s no reason not to enjoy it while it is yours.”

Jaehwa looked at Doctor Lee like she had grown an extra head.

She laughed and continued, “I talked to Doctor Kwan the other day about his sessions with you, and honestly, that man should not be allowed to practice sexual therapy in anyway. I fear he’s hurt you more than he’s helped you. He convinced you to take low dose hormones, he convinced you that your penis is gross and unnatural, but at the same time, convinced you that you are gross and unnatural. None of that is true. I’d like to prescribe a different medicine for you. The hormones are slightly stronger than what you’re taking, but this medicine, instead of inhibiting estrogen, it will enhance it. One of the problems with hormones is that they can decrease your sex drive, and then another pill would have to be prescribed for that. Since you said last time that you’re okay with a lower dose of hormones, then that shouldn’t be a problem for you, but if you do decide to take this new prescription, you let me know if it affects your ability to orgasm at all.”

Jaehwa nodded. “O-okay.”

“Are you willing to try it?”

“What will be different?”

Doctor Lee smiled. “It has a stronger dose of estrogen in it. The physical effects will be obvious. An increased dose of estrogen will let your body grow breast tissues, and put a little more junk in your trunk.”

Jaehwa let out a burst of laughter and covered it quickly.

“Don’t worry too much. You’re a healthy young woman and you exercise frequently, so it won’t make you fat. It may throw your emotions out of control. Give it about two weeks before you decide if you like it or not. It usually takes the body a while to grow accustomed to new medication. But if you feel depressed or lackluster or emotionally distraught stop taking it right away, okay?”

Jaehwa nodded.

“And Yoochun-shi, help monitor her behavior. If you weren’t in her life, I would be telling this to her friend Junsu. Sometimes when you’re on a medication, the effects are so minimal that it’s hard for the person taking them to see it and someone from the outside has to point it out. If you don’t like it or it affects your sexual drive too much, let me know. This is the strongest dose I feel comfortable giving you. Until we talk about surgery and discuss more about how you feel regarding that little nuisance between your legs.”

Doctor Lee pulled a pad of paper out of her drawer and scribbled a few notes on it. She ripped the top sheet off and held it out for Jaehwa. She took it carefully.

“Now, Jaehwa, last week we were discussing your father. Do you feel comfortable continuing our discussion with Yoochun here, or would you prefer to speak about it privately next week?”

Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, hand still shaking as she tugged on the loose thread of her sweater. “It’s okay.”

Yoochun squeezed her hand.

“Have you met her father?” Doctor Lee asked.

“He’s still alive, so no, I haven’t,” Yoochun said.

Doctor Lee looked like she was going to reprimand him for that, but Jaehwa sort of laughed and she let it go.

“I have met the rest of the family, though, or most of it.”

“And?”

Yoochun’s eyebrows rose. “They’re delusional.”

Jaehwa cleared her throat. “M-my sister Yoonah called me yesterday.”

“Really? What did she say?” Doctor Lee asked.

“N-not a lot, but she wants to come and see me.”

Yoochun frowned. He had not met Yoonah when he’d gone down. “Why?”

Jaehwa flinched.

Yoochun squeezed her hand. “Sorry. Your family … is …”

Jaehwa smiled. “I know. But she said that we needed to talk. She’s always been the most sympathetic of my sisters, and the one that never said I deserved what I got when my father beat me.”

The thought of Jaehwa being beaten angered Yoochun past the point of coherency.

“I did my best to hide the bruises and things, but she’d patch me up if I ever started bleeding. She … she’s coming up next weekend.”

“Do you want me to be with you?” Yoochun asked.

“I told her to come to the café, so there will be other people around. I know she won’t hurt me, but if we’re in public, she’ll be more cautious about what she says.”

“Good. And you don’t mind if I just happen to be there?”

Jaehwa smiled.

“About your father, Jaehwa?” Doctor Lee prompted.

Jaehwa shut her eyes and inhaled deeply, fingers tight around Yoochun’s. “I-I don’t think I want to talk about him right now. I … “ She withdrew, pulled her legs up, feet on the chair and curled in on herself.

Yoochun reached over and rubbed her arm. She flinched, and then relaxed.

“What about your father?” Doctor Lee asked Yoochun.

Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t talk with him much. He left my mom, abandoned us when I was only ten and my brother was six. If it wasn’t for my grandparents, I don’t think we would have survived.”

“When was the last time you talked to him?”

“He calls me on my birthday, and we catch up, but it doesn’t go beyond that. He remarried and I have a half-sister somewhere. I think he regrets his decisions, but he’s too stubborn to actually say that he was wrong.”

Doctor Lee nodded. “A lot of men are stubborn.”

Jaehwa scoffed.

“Your mother never remarried?”

“No. She said we were enough men for her.”

“And what is your younger brother doing right now?”

“Same as me. Going to school for a business degree. He helps out at my mom’s gelato shop every now and then.”

“Did your father ever abuse you?”

Yoochun noted that Jaehwa flinched at the question. “No. He smacked my mom around a lot, but he never hit us. He yelled, and I know that is a form of mental abuse. I think my mom would have left a lot sooner if he had ever hit us.”

“No sexual abuse?”

“No.”

“Your brother?”

“Not that he’s ever told me.”

Doctor Lee nodded. “You seem well adjusted, Yoochun-shi, with firm goals and a vision of your future.”

“I’m trying my best.”

“Jaehwa is lucky to have you.”

Yoochun turned to his pretty girlfriend and smiled. She blushed, feeling his gaze. “I’m lucky to have her, Doctor Lee.”

“It was nice to meet you, and if you don’t mind, I’d like for you to come in with Jaehwa once a month. It’ll be good for her to have your support in all things, even this.”

Yoochun nodded. “I will. Thank you for helping her.”

“I’m glad I came back to Korea to help people like her. Transgender people are growing more common in the United States, but that is only because they have a support system for it. There isn’t a support system here, so people like Jaehwa have to hide who they really are. I’m proud of you for not hiding. I’m proud of you for being strong enough to be who you are inside.”

“Me too,” Yoochun said.

Jaehwa blushed and tried to burrow deeper in her sweater.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	13. The Close Call

“You need gelato,” Yoochun said as soon as they left the therapist office. He put his arm around Jaehwa’s shoulders. He led her into a cab and gave the driver the address to his mom’s shop.

Jaehwa said nothing and curled into his body, head on his chest. Yoochun held her tightly.

“I love you,” Yoochun whispered.

She nodded, fingers tightening in his shirt.

When the cab stopped, Jaehwa looked out the window, slightly alarmed. “I don’t … I don’t think I can …”

Yoochun cupped her face in his hands. “Do you want to go home? Or do you want gelato?”

“Gelato. Without your mother.”

“My mother loves you.”

“Your mother doesn’t know me.”

Yoochun frowned. “Do you want to tell her?”

“Of course not.”

“Then my mother knows you. Come on.”

Jaehwa sighed but climbed out of the car.

“Yoochun-oppa! Oppa!”

Yoochun smiled at the girls behind the counter. He put his arm around Jaehwa and saw them frown. “Hey ladies. This is Jaehwa.”

“Oh, Yoochun-oppa, your mom said you had a girlfriend and we didn’t believe her.”

“Well, I do.”

The other one pouted. “Oppa, you said that you didn’t feel like dating anyone last time I asked you.”

“And you asked me before I met Jaehwa, and you are both too young for me. Now give me some ice cream.”

“Oppa, it’s not ice cream.”

Yoochun grinned, and turned to Jaehwa. As their eyes met, the rest of the store went away. Yoochun ran his hand down Jaehwa’s cheek. “Watermelon?”

“I-I think I’ll try pear today.”

“Good choice.”

The girls already had Yoochun’s watermelon gelato in a bowl and one of them scooped up pear for Jaehwa.

“Is my mother here?” Yoochun asked.

“Yes, she’s in the office.”

Yoochun handed Jaehwa her gelato and then escorted her through the back room. To explain, he said, “I don’t want them glaring at you. They’ve been in love with me since they started working here.”

“You’re not arrogant at all, are you?” Jaehwa asked, smiling.

“Stating the truth is not arrogance.”

“Such a pimp.”

Yoochun smirked. Poking his head in the office he said, “Hey Omma.”

“Yoochun-ah, Jaehwa-shi, hello.” She stood up just as Yoochun dropped himself in a chair. Jaehwa bowed awkwardly and then sat next to him.

“What brings you here?” she asked.

Yoochun lifted his gelato cup.

“Of course, why would it ever be to visit your mother?”

Yoochun laughed. “Sorry, Mom. I have a couple of days off school next week, and I was wondering if there’s anything you need me to do.”

“Probably. My only son has been doing the budgeting lately.”

“Mom, come on. I said I was sorry.”

“Yes, well, now you’ll just have to prove it. Dara is going on vacation with her family next week. Maybe I’ll make you work behind the counter as penance.”

“Yoochun in a striped shirt with a tie and a little hat?” Jaehwa said, sitting up straight. “Do it. Please, make him do it.”

Yoochun’s mom laughed. “You’re outvoted, dear.”

Yoochun stuck his tongue out at Jaehwa, and she giggled. “I don’t mind. The ladies love me in that uniform. It’ll double our sales for the week.”

“Has he always been this arrogant?” Jaehwa asked.

“Yes. He has. Now, something a little more personal. When are you two getting married?”

Yoochun choked on a mouth full of gelato. “Mom!”

Jaehwa’s eyes went wide and the retreat into her insecurities was immediate.

“You have been together for a very long time. I like her. She likes me. I only need to meet her parents to talk about—“

“We’re not getting married,” Yoochun said quickly. “Not now anyway. We’re still young, Mom, and I’m not going to marry her and then take off for the army and then …”

“You haven’t done your army service yet?” Jaehwa said, surprised.

“No.” Yoochun almost asked if she had. “I was planning on going after I graduate.”

She bit her lower lip, eyes shutting, and Yoochun knew the signs of Jaehwa trying not to cry. He reached for her, but she stood up, mumbled something, bowed and left the office quickly.

“Fuck,” Yoochun muttered.

“Excuse me.”

Yoochun sighed and put his face in his hands. “It’s such a fight with everything with her.”

“What does that mean?”

Yoochun smiled and shook his head. “I don’t know, but it feels like as soon as we make some kind of progress in our relationship, something comes up to throw it back a step.”

“Like what?”

Yoochun wracked his brain for something to tell her that didn’t have to do with Jaehwa’s penis. He shrugged. “She’s very sensitive and emotional, and I love her for it because it makes her strong, makes her love stronger and her fierce loyalty to her friends.”

“But?”

“I don’t know if there is a but to that, Mom. Jaehwa doesn’t talk to her family frequently. She had a hard time growing up, and I don’t know what I can tell you without her being upset with me, but her father abused her and her mother was no help. Every intimacy we share has been an uphill climb and I constantly make sure she’s comfortable and okay with it, and … fuck, Mom, she wouldn’t let me kiss her for four months!”

“However did you survive?”

“I know!”

“That was sarcasm, young man.”

Yoochun sighed. “Marriage … marriage isn’t really an option right now, Mom. Jaehwa just realized that she practically lives with me and I don’t know if she’s going to run away or if we’re going to move in together.”

“Well, you better go find her. You can talk to me later, and anytime you want. But I think she’s more important right now.”

Yoochun nodded and stood up. “Thanks, Mom. Sorry about wasting gelato.” He picked up Jaehwa’s discarded bowl.

“I’ll take it out of your paycheck. Now go.”

Yoochun leaned over her desk and kissed her cheek. He dumped the gelato in a trash can and went through the store. He waved good bye to the girls and left the store.

Jaehwa was nowhere in sight.

Cursing, he pulled out his phone and called her. It went right to her voicemail, so he left a message and then sent a text to please call him. He sent Junsu a text, more or less warning him that Jaehwa was upset and had ran off.

 **From PianoBoy** : _Yeah, I know. She already called me and she’s on her way home. I’ll make sure she eats some chocolate. What’s going on?_  
**From Yoochun** : _My mom asked us when we were getting married, I said something about military service, and then bam, she was gone_  
**From PianoBoy** : _Ouch. Okay. Thanks for the heads up._

With nothing else to do, he flagged down a cab and went home.

Jaehwa didn’t call or text him all night, but Junsu did, after Jaehwa had cried herself to sleep. He told Yoochun that she didn’t really talk, and that Yoochun should probably come over and be there when she woke up.

Yoochun thought about that for almost two hours and decided that Junsu was right. He showered first and then dressed in jeans and a white t-shirt. After slipping on a hoody, he left his apartment and flagged down a cab to take him to Jaehwa and Junsu’s.

It was almost eight when he finally arrived, and Junsu let him in with a grimace.

“She is awake and mad that I told you to come over. She feels like I don’t want to comfort her anymore. What the fucking hell happened today?”

“It’s been an emotional day for us both,” Yoochun answered. “I’ll go talk to her, okay?”

Junsu nodded.

Yoochun went to Jaehwa’s room and knocked on the door, adding flare to it so she knew it was him.

“Go away!”

“No. Let me in.”

“No!”

Yoochun sighed and tried the knob and it turned. He smiled and slipped into her room. “If you don’t want someone to come in, you should lock the door.”

Jaehwa didn’t reply. She was curled up under her rainbow blanket. Yoochun sat on the edge of her bed and placed a hand on her side.

“I can’t believe you haven’t … you haven’t done your military service yet. You’re going to leave me for two years.”

“Have you done yours?”

Jaehwa glared at him. “I was exempt due to a mental disorder.”

Yoochun winced. “Ouch.”

“Yeah, whatever. Go away.”

With a sigh, Yoochun climbed into bed with her. “Is that all that is bothering you?”

“Isn’t that enough?”

“Yes. That’s a lot, actually, but you don’t have to worry about it too much. I love you. I’ll love you even when I’m in the military.”

“And after, what happens?”

“I don’t know. I’ll still love you.”

“What if I don’t still love you?”

Yoochun felt like his heart was ripped out of his chest. “T-then we … I deal with that painfully and emotionally and … god, Jaehwa why would you say that?”

She buried deeper into her blanket and pillow.

“I told my mom I would wait until she was stable with her business before I left for the military, and then I went back to school. I’m not sure what they’ll have me do though, with my asthma, I’ll probably have a civilian job. But I … I can’t … I can’t think of after that and not have you in my future. I love you.”

Jaehwa said nothing, and Yoochun didn’t know what else to do. He curled up around her back and put his arm around her stomach, over the blanket. He shut his eyes and willed his heart to stop clenching.

“I-I think you should go home,” Jaehwa whispered.

“I don’t,” Yoochun replied, trying not to panic. “Talk to me.”

She shook her head. “Please go. Please. I can’t … I can’t deal with this, and …”

“Look me in the eyes, Jaehwa, and tell me you want me to go and that you don’t want me here.”

Jaehwa turned her head and met his eyes and said, “I want you to go.”

Yoochun held his breath, waiting for the last part and it didn’t come. Jaehwa covered her head again and Yoochun tried to breathe. Tears pricked the corner of his eyes and he tried not to panic, tried not to trigger an attack that he was unprepared for.

Fingers wrapped around his hand and he looked at Jaehwa with blurry eyes. She was concerned and she touched his face and said something he didn’t hear past the whooshing in his brain, and then her hands cupped his cheeks and he heard, “Breathe, baby, come on, breathe.”

Yoochun blinked and tears fell and he turned his face away.

Jaehwa rubbed his back for a moment and then curled around him, arms over his shoulder, legs around his hips. Yoochun inhaled deeply and leaned against her. They stayed like that for almost ten minutes.

“You okay, now?” Jaehwa asked.

Yoochun swallowed. “That depends.”

“On …”

“On you.”

Jaehwa sighed and rubbed her face on his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I … I don’t know how to deal with this.”

“Running away from it isn’t an option,” Yoochun said. “I need you to talk to me.”

Jaehwa’s fingers played with the buttons on his shirt. “I-I … I’m so happy and I’m so afraid of all of this falling apart and … you leaving, or me leaving or … It won’t hurt as much if it ends now than if it ends later.”

Yoochun turned his head and they twisted until they were facing each other. Yoochun pressed his forehead against hers and shut his eyes. “I don’t know. The thought of us, this, ending now is pretty damn painful.”

Jaehwa’s breath hitched.

Yoochun pulled her into his arms, clinging to her. “I love you so much I can’t even think straight. I can’t picture life without you and when I do think of working in restaurant management or having a chain of stores somewhere, you’re always there with me. Always. I don’t want a life without you, Jaehwa.”

“I’m so scared.”

“Me, too. But don’t be afraid of me leaving you. You tried to push me away when you told me about your body. You tried to push me away when we started doing more than kissing, and you tried to push me away when I went to meet your mother. Hell, Jaehwa, you tried to push me away by refusing to go out with me for four months. You can’t … nothing will make me leave you.”

Jaehwa lifted her head, big eyes wide with tears on her cheeks. “You’re a stubborn bastard, that’s why you won’t leave me.”

“I love you. That’s why I won’t leave you.”

“Do you want to move in together?”

Yoochun blinked at the direct question. “Yes, eventually, but we’re not ready yet, and I know that. Nothing your therapist or my mother says should influence you in anything that we decide. When we’re ready to move in together, we will.”

Jaehwa sighed and fell back to the bed. Yoochun looked at her, Hello Kitty pants riding low on her hips, t-shirt pushed up to reveal her flat, pale stomach. Her hair fanned out around her head, and he had a sudden urge to touch it. Lust churned low in his stomach, and he knew it wasn’t a good time, but he slid his hands up her shirt anyway and crawled over her body.

Before Jaehwa could say anything, he kissed her, lips shaking, eyes open and on hers. She stayed tense below him for a moment and then her eyes shut and she put her arms around his back and their bodies connected. Yoochun slid his tongue in her mouth softly and pulled them closer, rolling until he was on his back and Jaehwa was propped up over him, hair falling around them.

The lust stayed at simmer, not increasing as Yoochun kissed her, pulling his own reassurances from the kiss that he hadn’t lost her.

“I love you,” she muttered into his mouth.

Yoochun’s throat closed, chest tight and he had to swallow before he could say it back, voice rough with emotions.

She smiled, pecked his lips and then curled up against him, head on his chest. Yoochun held her tightly, eyes shutting with relief. Wet dripped down his cheeks, and he didn’t try to brush the tears away. They lay together, heads near the foot of the bed, feet at the pillows.

Yoochun lost track of the time, and when Jaehwa sat up, he jerked in surprise.

Her hair hid her face and she rubbed her arms. Yoochun’s hands stayed on her waist, under her shirt.

“I’m kinda hungry,” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun smiled and sat up. He kissed her shoulder and her neck and said, “Get dressed. I happen to know of a fantastic little dokkbokki cart that is open all night long.”

Jaehwa smiled and then laughed. “I love that we have the same comfort food.”

Yoochun held her tightly and kissed her cheek. “I love that we have the same everything. Soul mates, baby.”

Jaehwa bit her lower lip. “Soul mates.”

Yoochun nodded and put his hand on her chest and said, “I love you. I love the person in this body, the beautiful, beautiful angel who captured my heart and makes me say corny things.”

Jaehwa laughed. “Why do I love you?”

Yoochun shrugged. “I don’t know. But I pray every day that you continue to love me.”

“I will. I promise. I just … I … “

Yoochun hugged her and said into her hair, “I know. It’s scary. But don’t shut me out anymore okay?”

“I’ll do better, I promise.”

“I know.”

He caressed her cheek and kissed her lips. “Now, get ready. I’m suddenly starving.”

Jaehwa grinned and shoved him. “Okay. Go tell Junsu we’re okay. He’s freaking out a bit.”

“He loves you, too.”

“He loves me more.”

Yoochun scowled at the smile on her face and said, “Only because you let him.”

She tilted her head and then nodded. “That’s fair.”

“Not to me.”

“No, not to you. I’ll do better.”

“I know.”

Yoochun gave her one more kiss and stood up. He straightened his clothes and left the room. He found Junsu and Changmin curled up on the couch.

Worried, Junsu asked, “Is she okay?”

“Yeah. She’s okay. We’re okay. We’re going to go get some dokkbokki, you guys wanna come?”

“Hell yes,” Changmin said.

“I’m not paying for you,” Yoochun said immediately, and Changmin frowned. “Have Junsu pay. You’re the one sucking on his cock.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

They went to eat, and then they went for a drink, and then another drink, and another, and they danced in a club until Jaehwa’s head lolled on his shoulder, half asleep.

Changmin and Junsu called it a night before them, going to Changmin’s apartment, and Yoochun poured his drunken girlfriend in a cab and went to her apartment. She clung to him, giggly and sweet while he took off their shoes and led her down the hallway.

“I love you, Chunnie-ah, I do. God, I lov’you, and I dunno why you love me when I’m so gross and I have a penish and you have a penish, but you isn’t gay or nothing, and god, I’m rambling.”

“You’re drunk,” Yoochun said.

“So’s you.”

“Not as drunk as you.”

“Prolly not.” Jaehwa sighed. She stood unsteady on her feet and undressed, completely naked. She frowned and stared down at her body, and then she turned and walked to Yoochun. “Why do you think I sexy when I have a penish?”

Yoochun smiled and put his arms around her naked body. “Because I do.”

“But it’s a boy part and I … god, maybe I’ll just be a boy again.”

“No, baby, don’t do that. You’re my pretty girl, remember?”

“This isn’t pretty!” she shouted and grabbed between her legs, squeezing hard enough that her face scrunched up.

Yoochun took her wrist and pulled her hand away, he walked her backwards to the bed. “I accept everything about you, but you don’t, and it hurts me when you think you’re unworthy or you’re ugly. Let’s go to bed, okay. You need to sleep.”

“B-but, I’m so ugly. So … “

Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and said, “No, you’re not. You’re beautiful.”

Her eyes shut, a tear fell down her cheek and she pulled away, crawling into bed. Yoochun sighed and stripped and crawled in next to her, pressing his warm body against her back. She took his hand and pulled it around her hip and Yoochun held his breath. She pushed his hand against her penis and rubbed it.

“Jae-“

“Shut up and touch me.”

“No, you’re drunk and you’re going to hate yourself in the morning.”

“I already hate myself.”

Yoochun tried to move his hand, but she kept it there, rolling her hips, rubbing herself, but after a minute of nothing happening, she flung Yoochun’s hand away with a whimper.

“You’re drunk,” Yoochun reminded her.

“Fuck you.”

Yoochun sighed and curled up against her body again, holding her tightly. She was crying again. He kissed her neck, and held her until she finally fell asleep.

Yoochun lay awake for a long time after that, thoughts too jumbled to sleep. Maybe he should have had just one more shot.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	14. The Reassurance

Yoochun woke up with his head pounding and his stomach churning. Sleep seemed so far away, and now the sun tried to blare through the curtains.

He rolled over, arm automatically searching for his girlfriend, but it fell on cold blankets.

With that, he knew he had to get up. He probably could go back to sleep, eyes shut tightly, head on her soft, citrus smelling pillow, but it wouldn’t be for awhile, and the concern for her after last night would eat at him. Any other day and he’d lie there, relaxing, until Jaehwa came back to bed.

Yoochun got out of bed, slipped on his jeans and padded out of the room. The rest of the apartment was dark, save for a sliver of light coming from under the bathroom door. He headed there and rapped on the door.

Jaehwa didn’t answer, so he knocked again. After waiting for a few more seconds, Yoochun grew worried and tried the door. It opened and he stepped into the humid room.

Jaehwa was in the bathtub, body covered in bubbles. Her long hair was pulled up and she had earbuds in. Yoochun knew she was listening to classical music, because if it had been anything with lyrics, she’d be singing.

He used the toilet, back toward her, and then slipped out of his jeans. Carefully, he lifted a leg over the side of the tub.

Jaehwa’s eyes flew open as he settled in on the opposite side. Her ipod fell into the tub with a plop.

“Fuck! Shit!” she shouted, quickly pulling it out.

“Oops,” Yoochun said. “Sorry. I’ll buy you a new one.”

Jaehwa grinned and shook it. “I waterproofed this one after destroying four of them in six months the same way. It should be okay.”

Yoochun chuckled and held out his hand.

Jaehwa pulled out the earbuds and let the whole thing clatter to the tile floor. She slid over, turning so her back was to his front. He put his arms around her and pressed a kiss below his ear.

“I’m sorry I was such a mess yesterday.”

Yoochun hummed and whispered that it was all right.

“But it’s not!”

“And you said you’d try to be better, so it is.”

“I don’t know how to be different.”

“Talking to me helps.”

“I know.”

“Talking to Junsu helps. Talking to anyone helps.”

Jaehwa sighed. “Do you really think this new therapist is okay?”

“Yes. I like Doctor Lee. She’s not trying to convince you that you’re a boy.”

“But I am.”

Yoochun sighed. “Are you really? You can tell me that after all this, after all the shit you went through growing up and what you go through now, that you’re a boy?”

Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, and then lightly shook her head. “No. I-I’m not a boy. If I was, I think my life would be a lot easier.”

Yoochun smiled and slouched deeper in the tub. He relaxed in the warm water and held her slippery body more tightly. “You’re the most important thing in my life, right now, Jaehwa. I love you, I’m worried about you. Sometimes it scares me how much I care for you, how much I need to see you and hold you and talk to you. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but if you want, today, let’s go get couple rings.”

Jaehwa turned her head and kissed his jaw. “You’re such a girl sometimes.”

Yoochun smiled. “In love, I think they call it. Stars around my head, eyeballs in the shape of hearts, nosebleeds and drool.”

“Our anniversary is soon, let’s wait until then.”

Yoochun tried not to let his disappointment show. “Our anniversary is in four months.”

“Four months seems to be a lucky time length in our relationship.”

“You’re right. Okay. Should we go get some breakfast?”

“No. I’m not hungry. I still feel sick.”

“With what you were consuming last night, I’m not surprised.”

Her body stiffened. After a moment, she said, “L-last night … I …”

“You already apologized.”

“I know, but … I …” She let out a breath, and then slipped her hand under the water. Fingers curled around his wrist and Yoochun held his breath.

“Reach above your head,” she whispered. “The pink bottle.”

Yoochun tilted his head back and grabbed the bottle from the shower shelf. Water resistant lube. He swallowed and handed it to her.

“Keep this hand right here,” she said, still whispering and put his hand on the lowest part of her stomach that could be her stomach, right above her penis. He spread his fingers, added pressure, and she let him go. With a sigh, she lowered her body and lifted a leg to the edge of the tub. She held up the bottle and Yoochun held out his hand. She dumped it right on his fingers, lots of it, and Yoochun licked his lips.

“Finger me,” she said, offered, asking if he would, with his hand where it was.

Yoochun dipped his hand under the water, around her leg and his fingers easily found the curve of her ass. He slipped one and then two around her entrance and slowly pushed in his middle finger.

“Oh, fuck,” she whimpered and bent her knee, so her leg was hooked on Yoochun’s arm. It was hard to move like this, with one hand unable to move and the other trying to move slowly.

“A-another, please.”

Yoochun pressed in a second finger, spun them and twirled them.

The warmth of her dick brushed over his hand as it grew harder and harder.

Yoochun swallowed and moved his fingers faster, twisting and spread them. The water splashed over the side of the tub, the only sound save for Jaehwa’s heaving breathing.

“Touch me,” she said. “Please, please, touch me.”

“Jae-“

“Please, just … just a little bit.”

Yoochun bit his lip, but did as she asked. He slipped his hand down her erection, a light caress that had her hips rising into it. He did no more, not daring to actually grab it.

“Okay, okay, stop.”

Yoochun did immediately, hand going back to her stomach.

Jaehwa shut her eyes and lowered her leg. With arms on the side of the tub, she lifted her body up, readjusting and moaned as Yoochun’s fingers slipped out of her.

“T-trade me places.”

They made a bigger mess as Jaehwa went to the back of the tub, and Yoochun moved behind her. She planted her hands on the edged and turned her head.

“Fuck me.”

Yoochun slipped his fingers back inside her body. The muscles pulsed and clenched around him. He pulled them out, added lube to his hand and stroked his cock until it was hard.

“You don’t want me,” she said, pouting at his dick.

“Yes, I do.” He slipped the head up and down the cleft and she moaned, lowering her head. She folded her arms and laid her cheek against her wet skin. Weak bubbles slipped down her shoulders.

Yoochun put his hand on her lower back, held his dick steady and pushed into her slowly. She wasn’t prepped enough and there wasn’t quite enough lube.

Jaehwa moaned, chest bowing down, knees spread as much as the tub would allow. Yoochun pulled out, transferring his hands to her hips. The water splashed around them and onto the tile as Yoochun settled into a rhythm. It didn’t last long though.

Jaehwa’s back arched, hitching and through the soft splashing, he heard a little whimper.

Yoochun immediately stilled and pulled away from her. Leaning over her body, he kissed her shoulder and said, “We should go back to bed.”

She turned her face, eyes red. “No, I …”

“You are not enjoying this, and I can’t enjoy it if you don’t.” She opened her mouth but he said, “No. Don’t make some snide comment about not enjoying sex with you. I think I’ve proven that I do. Now come on.”

He stood up, and Jaehwa glanced at his dick. He was barely hard, and that was going away quickly. He pulled the plug on the tub, threw the shower curtain around and then held out his hands.

Jaehwa looked at them for a moment, still crying and then let him pull her to her feet.

Yoochun wrapped his arms around her, holding her while the tub emptied. He turned the shower on, and then ran his hands all over her body to rinse off the bubbles and soap from the tub.

After he was done, he shut the shower off and stepped out first, grabbing her pink robe. He held it open for her, and shaking, she stepped out of the tub and into it.

“Go to bed,” Yoochun whispered, lips against her temple. “Go to bed and lay on your stomach and I will be there in two minutes. Okay?”

She bit her lip and nodded. “O-okay.”

Yoochun waited until she was out the door and then picked up the closest towel and threw it across the room in frustration. It hit the wall and landed on the ground with barely a noise. Not nearly as satisfying as punching the mirror and watching it shatter, or splintering the door under his fist, but it would have to do. He clenched the counter top, knuckles white and glared at himself in the mirror.

Why did he put up with this? Why did he try so hard, only to have Jaehwa push his efforts away, or rip them to pieces as well as his heart? Why didn’t he do what she said and just leave now, because it sure as hell would be easier leaving now than later, after they’re settled together. After they’re … married. Maybe.

God, he wanted to marry her. Buy a house and get a dog and wake up with her in his arms every single fucking day.

Sometimes he wondered what it would have been like if he had just walked away. Found out she was a guy and left it at that. Would he be dating someone else, would he be so deeply in love that his heart ached like it was aching right now?

Yoochun turned away from his reflection, leaning against the cupboard. He put his face in his hands and knew that he wouldn’t have been happy without Jaehwa. No one had ever made him as happy as Jaehwa did. He’d probably still be a roaming bachelor, talking about finding love, but never actually possessing it. And he’d probably wonder how Jaehwa was and maybe go see her … no. He … if he had run away from her at the beginning, he wouldn’t have been man enough to see her again.

With one more sigh, he turned around and picked up the towel he’d thrown. He used it to wipe down a few water droplets and then wrapped it around his waist. He crouched, opened the bottom cabinet and found some of the vanilla lotion that Jaehwa loved. He left the bathroom and went to Jaehwa’s room.

She was as he asked, on her stomach. The robe was hanging from a chair.

Yoochun wondered if she thought he wanted her like that because that’s how they first had sex.

Well, he’d show her why. He discarded the towel and climbed up on the bed until he straddled her waist. Her hips rose, ass pushing up against his body, and he shook his head, clearing it of lust. He dumped the lotion on his hands, spread it around and then put his hands on her back, rubbing the lotion in.

She moaned, arms spreading and Yoochun pressed harder, massaging the muscles of her shoulders. He added more lotion and moved the massage lower. He loosened knots and tension and moved all over, hands and fingers and fists, pushing and twisting, rubbing and caressing.

“I do my best to show you I love you,” Yoochun said. “I do everything I can to show you that I want to be with you and that I care. But if you don’t want me … no, wait. Let me rephrase that, if you can’t let me love you … well, then—it won’t stop me from loving you, or wanting to be with you.”

Jaehwa buried her face in her arms and started crying.

Yoochun made sure the lotion on his hands had absorbed and lay over her, head by hers, hands around her hip.

“I-I don’t understand w-why you love me,” Jaehwa finally whispered.

“Love doesn’t need an explanation, and yes, I know I sound like a corny anime right now, but it doesn’t. I love you. Everything about you to your eyes and your personality and yes, even your penis. And the reason why is because if it wasn’t for that, if it wasn’t for you being born in a wrong body, then you wouldn’t be who you are. You’re strong and confident. You’re independent and on your way to a successful career. You haven’t let this thing get in your way of who you are. You’ve stood up for yourself and what you believe. You defied your father—forgive me for saying this—as an only son, and you did not do what he and society expected of you as Jaejoong, because you knew that you weren’t Jaejoong, even if they didn’t see it. And you still love your family, you love your sisters and their children. You love so fiercely that sometimes it’s scary to be on the other end of that love. I know you love me, Jaehwa. I know you do. You just have to understand and accept that I love you with the same ferocity.”

Jaehwa turned her head, and her eyes were so red, tears trailing on her cheeks. Yoochun moved his head and pressed their lips together.

“I love you for who you are, Jaehwa. I always have, and I always will.”

Jaehwa put her arms around his shoulder and they pressed together. She gasped on his shoulder, trying to control herself, and Yoochun held her, rubbed her back and kissed her head.

“I love you,” she whispered, “god, I love you. I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Yoochun replied. He pushed her away softly and ran his hand over her cheek. “And if you have any doubt about that, then let me reassure them by asking if you want to drink some tea, eat vegetables for lunch and watch movies all day.”

Jaehwa smiled widely and then laughed, hugging him close. “I love you.”

Yoochun held her, inhaled the scent of her hair and the vanilla lotion. The words caught in his throat as his heart filled with so much love that he wondered why he wasn’t bursting into pieces.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

Junsu staggered into the apartment at about two in the afternoon. Sans Changmin.

“Where’s your boytoy?” Jaehwa asked.

“School,” Junsu answered as he came into the living room. He saw them sitting on the couch, watching “Princess Diaries”, and shook his head, “Is Yoochun in trouble again?”

“Nope,” Jaehwa said, snuggling closer to Yoochun. “It was his idea.”

Junsu snorted.

Yoochun tilted his head back to meet his eyes. “I had to prove to her that I love her.”

“The best way to show a woman you love her is to watch sappy movies with her?”

“And drink fruity tea,” Yoochun said and held up his mug with bright pink liquid in it.

Junsu laughed. “Oh man, you are so, so, so in love.”

“That’s what I keep telling her.”

“Shut up, you’re making me miss it,” Jaehwa said.

“God forbid, you’ve seen this movie eighty times.”

Jaehwa’s phone rang, and she reached for it on the coffee table. She bit her lower lip, staring at the display and then answered it.

“Annyeong, noona,” she whispered.

Yoochun froze, and he saw Junsu out of the corner of his eye looking at Jaehwa intently.

“Yes, noona … that will be okay … I work all day tomorrow, until eight … yes, noona … I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Jaehwa put the phone back on the coffee table, turned around on the couch and buried herself in Yoochun’s arms.

“Jae-“ Junsu started, but Yoochun shook his head, holding her tightly.

Junsu frowned and then moved to them. He kneeled in front of the couch, and put his arms around Jaehwa from behind. Her breath hitched, and then she gasped Junsu kissed her cheek.

Yoochun adjusted and put one of his arms around Junsu, holding both of them tightly. Yoochun was pretty sure that his life with Jaehwa wasn’t going to be any less complicated than it was, but it was taking a long time for him and for her to find that balance with each other.

He wondered again if it was worth it, if Jaehwa was right and it would be better to end it now than to have it hurt five times as much tomorrow. When he blinked, a tear fell down his cheek, and he knew that it wouldn’t be any easier now than later. He was so committed and so in love with this girl that there wasn’t anything else to do but support her and cherish her and help her understand how beautiful she really was.

“Wow,” Junsu whispered and wiped at Yoochun’s cheek. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before.”

Yoochun couldn’t reply around the tightness in his throat. He shut his eyes and leaned his head on Jaehwa’s. Lips pressed against his cheek. Definitely not Jaehwa’s, and he smiled when they lingered for longer than was strictly necessary for a comforting kiss.

“You’re a good man, Yoochun,” Junsu whispered. “Even if I thought you were nothing more than a playboy intent on using Jaehwa and then running away. But you surprised me, and I’m glad.”

They stayed like that for only a little bit longer and then Junsu stood up. He pressed a kiss to Jaehwa’s head and then went to the kitchen. Yoochun heard him ordering take out from Jaehwa’s favorite ramen shop.

“Will you come to the café tomorrow?” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun thought about the classes he was going to miss. Oh well, he could do the readings and take notes on the chapters and email his teachers. He nodded and tightened his arms around her. “Of course. I told you I would, and I’ll sit there all day, through your whole shift, so I can be there to support you.”

“Thank you, Chunnie-love.”

Yoochun smiled widely at the new nickname and kissed her forehead.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	15. The Visit

Yoochun swam in the moment between awake and sleep, curled up and floating through pleasure trickling over his skin. Heat encased his lower body and twisted up his spine. Hands pressed flat on his chest. Yoochun moaned, eyes blinking open to nothing but blurry walls and black hair, and his strung-out mind supplied his girlfriend’s name and he reached for her, arms stopped and he tried again, and then again.

“Jaehwa,” Yoochun whimpered, twisting his wrists in the knots. His vision cleared and he looked up at his hands bound to the headboard.

“Revenge, I think they call it,” Jaehwa said.

Yoochun moaned, eyes shutting.

Jaehwa moved, hips rising, and that pleasurable ache returned full force and Yoochun gasped. He bent his knees, lifting his butt off the bed to meet Jaehwa’s down thrusts. Her tight ass pulsated around him.

“Hey, guys—Oh, shit, Jaehwa, lock your door.”

Yoochun glanced at the door, at Junsu leaning against the frame, smirking.

Jaehwa smiled at Yoochun and rolled her hips, and Yoochun moaned, eyes shutting again as Jaehwa teased him.

Junsu whistled. “Nice cock, Yoochun.”

“God, go away,” Yoochun muttered, gasping between words. “Fuck, Jae-love, speed up.”

Jaehwa giggled and fell forward, body bent in just the way for her to rub against Yoochun’s body. She moved forward and back, lips teasing Yoochun’s chin and neck.

Yoochun’s head swam. He tried to tug on the restraints again, wanted to hold his girlfriend as his orgasm built in his body. Whimpering, he lifted a leg to run it over her hip and she laughed again.

“Junsu, you can leave whenever you want to,” Jaehwa said with lips hovering over Yoochun’s.

Yoochun lifted his head to kiss her, but she moved away.

“So then I won’t leave,” Junsu said. “I like this show.”

“Please fuck off,” Jaehwa said sweetly, still not looking at him. “We’ll be done in an hour or so.”

“An hour!” Yoochun protested.

Jaehwa smirked at him. “I haven’t properly tortured my captive, so yes, an hour.”

“Oh god,” Yoochun moaned, going slack against the bed.

Junsu laughed. “Okay, okay. I’ll go call Changmin for some phone sex.”

“Isn’t he in class?”

“Then I’ll send him dirty text messages.”

Jaehwa laughed.

The door shut with a soft click, and Jaehwa leaned over Yoochun, kissing him deeply. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Yoochun managed to say back.

Jaehwa smiled. “I’m sure I can make you doubt that.”

“I don’t.”

Jaehwa laughed, covering her mouth for a moment. She reached for something, and then Yoochun’s vision went dark. Soft cloth caressed his face and tightened around his head.

“Jaehwa!”

“Shush, or the next thing I grab is going in your mouth.”

Yoochun moaned and tried to rely on sensations to figure out what the hell his girlfriend was going to do next. She shifted, his dick pushing against her inner walls, and she moaned, doing it again and again. Yoochun stayed inside her while she moved, never lifting, just rotating. He tried to concentrate on what she was saying to him, or if she was saying anything at all, but it was lost in the pleasure-filled haze of sex.

God, he needed to come.

Jaehwa spread her legs more, so she was sitting right on his lap, and it was impossible for Yoochun to do more than clench his thighs, dick pushing inside her, but not thrusting. With a whimper, Jaehwa rocked her hips back and forth, one hand clutching his chest. The other ran up and down his body, over his ribs and stomach, teasing touches, and she stopped, fingers spread around the lowest part of his stomach below his belly button.

“You must really love me,” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun nodded. “I do,” he said, voice heavy with lust. “God, I love you.”

Jaehwa was quiet and still for a moment, and then her hand moved lower. Without his vision, it took Yoochun a few seconds to realize that Jaehwa was touching herself. Stroking that annoyance between her legs.

Yoochun’s breath sped up, and then his chest hitched when Jaehwa pressed the firm erection against his stomach. Yes, it was small, but there was no mistaking the feel of that and balls smashed on his skin.

Yoochun whimpered her name.

“What?” Her voice was careful, unsure. And yet her hips moved, still teasing Yoochun beyond anything she’d done before.

“W-why … why, just …”

“You don’t like it,” Jaehwa whispered.

“Neither do you,” Yoochun said immediately. “Which is why I’m confused. And, god, god, fuck, stop moving your hips and let me talk coherently.”

Jaehwa chuckled, let herself go and leaned over him, kissing him softly. Their lips stayed together, their kiss fluctuating between sweet and heavy, slow and demanding. Kissing Jaehwa had always been such a treat, and now without being able to see it was even better. He had to follow her lead, follow her tongue and lips. She started moving again, knees sliding back to press against him in a way that was pleasurable for both of them. It wasn’t quite the same since Yoochun couldn’t hold her, but it was close enough.

This time she didn’t tease. She didn’t stop and she sped up, slamming herself back on his body. He had to bend his knees more, for their bodies to connect as deeply inside her as possible.

She broke away from his lips with a sudden gasp, body stilling for a moment. Yoochun took over, slamming up, into her. Little whimpers pulsed from her throat, and Yoochun wanted and needed to see her. She was probably biting her lower lip so tightly, face contorted, skin flush with need, shivering under his hands.

“God damn it let me touch you,” Yoochun shouted.

Her laugh was breathy and weak, her body slowing and then shivering. Wet splattered on his stomach and then Jaehwa collapsed on top of him, shivering and jerking from her orgasm. Her body tightened around his dick and Yoochun moaned, trying to move, but couldn’t in his position.

“Jaehwa, please.”

“Minute.”

“I want to hold you, Jae-love. Let me hold you.”

Jaehwa shifted only a little bit, but the blindfold disappeared and Yoochun blinked against the sudden light.

Jaehwa smiled at him and then kissed him while she untied the knots at his wrists. He immediately put his arms around her, rolled them over and shivered when he slipped from her body. Her arms wrapped around his shoulders.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, concerned.

Jaehwa nodded. “Yes, I’m fine. You’re not, though. You’re still nice and hard.” Her fingers traced over his slick skin, nails catching on the ridge of his cock.

“Oh god, you’re such a tease sometimes.”

“You love it.”

“I love you.”

Jaehwa’s smile was blinding, and Yoochun moaned, covered her mouth and set about spending the next two hours pleasuring and worshiping his girlfriend.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

Yoochun tried to concentrate on the heavy packet in front of him. His highlighter lay abandoned on the table top. His mind wandered to any subject that had nothing to do with the economic crisis and banking failures in the USA. He absently ran his hands over his wrists, the skin still tender from Jaehwa’s knots. Sadistic girl.

He sipped on his second latte of the afternoon, and nibbled on the deli sandwich Jaehwa had brought to him during a lull in customers. It was a very busy Friday, and Yoochun was worried that Jaehwa wasn’t going to have time to talk to her sister, if she showed up. He was definitely worried about the meeting, but the fact that the sister wanted to talk, kept him from getting too overprotective.

Jaehwa had almost worn jeans to work, but Yoochun protested and dug in her closet and chose her outfit. She didn’t look entirely happy, but dressed in the plaid skirt and pink button-up shirt. She wore a grey cardigan and opaque white tights. And her combat boots, of course.

 _Essay, Yoochun,_ he reminded himself, physically dragging his eyes away from his girlfriend, and went back to reading. He was shaking his head at the stupidity of the brokers in the US when a female voice said, “Park Yoochun-shi.”

He looked up quickly, into a face that resembled Jaehwa’s and smiled. “Um, hi.”

The woman swallowed and sat across from him, hands shaking from nerves. She was dressed in a simple black skirt, a coat buttoned all the way up, and sensible shoes. Her face was only slightly wrinkled, revealing her age, but she was still beautiful.

“Jaejoo—Jaehwa is busy and told me to come and sit with you. I’m Kim Yoonah.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Kim Yoonah-shi.”

“Onni!” Jaehwa called and they both looked over. She pointed to a cup on the Pick-Up counter.

Yoonah moved and Yoochun shook his head. “I’ll grab it for you.”

“Thank you.”

Yoochun rose, breathing deeply and met Jaehwa’s eyes. He raised his eyebrows in question and she looked apologetic.

“Be nice,” Jaehwa said as he grabbed the cup.

“I will. But hurry up.”

“I’m trying.”

Yoochun puckered his lips in an air kiss that made her giggle, and then took the sister’s coffee back to their table.

“Thank you, Yoochun-shi.”

Yoochun nodded and sat back down, nervously moving his papers.

“You’re studying?”

“Business. Jaehwa and I both graduate this spring.”

“Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“May I be honest with you, Yoochun-shi?”

“I would prefer that you would,” he replied and brought his cup to his lips for a sip of calming coffee.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be this attractive.”

Yoochun almost spit out his coffee. “What?” he said, coughing slightly.

Yoonah-shi smiled. “The other sisters said you were good looking, but this … you look like you could be a pop idol.”

Yoochun’s eyes widened in surprise. “And this means …”

“Nothing really. Just … you could be with any girl you want, and yet you’re—“

“I’m with the girl I want to be with,” Yoochun said firmly.

Yoonah nodded. “Forgive me. It’s just …”

“And if either of us could be a pop idol, it’s Jaehwa. She’s gorgeous and a fantastic musician.”

Yoonah’s cheeks went pink and she nodded. “He tried.”

“Huh?”

“He-he … she …” She sighed and continued, “Jaejoong tried. When he was fifteen, but they wouldn’t let him audition because … because ….”

Yoochun glanced over at his girlfriend and nodded. “I’m assuming because she went as herself instead of what her ID card called her.”

Yoonah nodded. “As soon as they saw her ID number and picture, they refused. Jaejoong would have been so good.”

“She is,” Yoochun said with emphasis. “She’s writing her own music and arranging songs.”

“I wish Jaejoong didn’t have to go through this, Yoochun-shi. It isn’t fair at all.”

Yoochun smiled and agreed. “But she is going through it, so all we can do is support her.”

“Will you tell me how you two met? None of the sisters could tell me.”

Yoochun took another sip of his coffee, thinking of what Jaehwa would want her sister to know. And then he decided to tell the truth. So he did. From the day they met to the day she finally agreed to go out with him and the day when she told him about being born a boy.

Yoochun stopped, seeing the perplexed look on her face. “A person is a person, Yoonah-shi. No matter what body they were born into. It’s the person that gives the body life. It’s the soul and the personality.”

“It must be so hard on you.”

“I won’t lie to you either. It’s been hard, but she’s worth it. She reminds me of that every day.”

“I worry about my brother, Yoochun-shi. I know, I know, he sees himself as just another sister. I know this, but it’s hard on us. You have to understand. Our family is so stubborn. Our father is the worst, and Jaejoong has taken after his father so easily.”

Yoochun pondered her for a minute, and then said, “Jaehwa is more of a part of your family than Jaejoong is.”

Yoonah looked at the table top. “I fear that Mother and Father will never forgive Jaejoong, nor ever see how beautiful Jaehwa is.”

“As long as someone in the family does, that’s all that matters.”

“I told my mother I was coming up to see Jaehwa, and she has not talked to me for three days.”

“The woman is just as stubborn as her husband it seems.”

“She can be.”

“So is Jaehwa.”

Yoonah smiled.

“Oh my god, it is about time,” Jaehwa said and slid in next to Yoochun. She stole his cup and made a face at how cold it was.

Yoochun smiled and put his arm around her shoulders and kissed her cheek. “You didn’t bring me more.”

“I think I’m going to scream if I have to make another cup of coffee right now. Hi, Yoonah-onni.”

“Hi, Jaejoo—“

Jaehwa frowned.

Yoonah sputtered an apology. “Jaehwa. Hello, Jaehwa.”

“You should call me dongsaeng if it’s easier for you.”

“I’ll get it right.”

“Thanks, onni. I really appreciate that you’re trying to understand.”

Yoonah reached across the table and gripped Jaehwa’s hand. “I’m sorry; please forgive me.”

Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, not saying anything.

“Your hands are soft.”

Jaehwa smiled. “Rose petal lotion infused with honey. It works really well, even though I wash my hands so much here. I can s-send you some.”

“I’d like that. Thank you, Jaehwa-dongsaeng.”

Jaehwa’s hand tightened and she nodded.

Yoochun shifted in the sudden silence between the sisters. Jaehwa kept her eyes on the table, and Yoonah frowned, eyes filling with tears. She reached over and cupped Jaehwa’s cheek. “You’re so beautiful. You have always been our beautiful little brother.”

Jaehwa flinched.

“I miss my younger brother,” Yoonah whispered. She blinked and tears fell. “We were all so excited when you were born. Father was so proud.”

Jaehwa swallowed and looked up. “I’m still here, onni, I am. Just … I’m sorry I’m such a disappointment.”

“Don’t ever say that,” Yoonah said, slapping her cheek lightly for emphasis. “You’ve done so well for yourself, and you’re about to graduate college, and you live and support yourself. I’m proud of you, dongsaeng. I am. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself. Yes, we all miss Jaejoong and some may refuse to see you now, but you are so strong, and so stubborn. It isn’t fair for us to lose a brother like we did. But … it’s not fair to you for us to hold onto the past. No matter who you are. We love you. I love you. I know Mother and Father love you, but it will take time before they are willing to accept the loss of their only son.”

“Onni,” Jaehwa whispered, biting her lip.

Yoonah shook her head. “I’m sorry. Next time you visit, come and stay with me, okay? That way, if Yoochun comes with you, you can sleep in the same place without running out to the tree house.”

Jaehwa tried to smile. “Thanks, onni.”

“My train leaves at four,” she said, looking at her watch. “Come and visit soon, okay?”

“Okay.”

“I’ll go flag down a cab for you,” Yoochun said.

Jaehwa rose and twisted her hands while Yoochun slid out of the booth. He left the awkward atmosphere and inhaled deeply. That meeting could have gone so much worse. He was happy that someone in Jaehwa’s family was going to try to understand her.

Yoonah exited the café and stood in front of him for a moment. “Thank you for taking care of my little brother, and yes, I know, I know. But thank you.”

Yoochun took a deep breath and bowed ninety degrees. “Thank you for giving Jaehwa the support she needs. I love her with all my heart and soul and I would do anything for her.”

Yoonah returned the bow and then climbed in the cab.

Yoochun inhaled deeply and went back to the café. Jaehwa was furiously scrubbing the tables. And she looked up at him long enough for Yoochun to see that her eyes were red. He stepped toward her, but she shook her head.

Yoochun nodded, knowing that if he went to her, she would start crying. He walked to the counter, and one of Jaehwa’s co-workers made him a fresh cup of coffee. He returned to his table, sent Junsu a text saying that Jaehwa needed him to cover the rest of her shift.

Junsu arrived in minutes and pretty much ordered Jaehwa to go away.

Yoochun thanked him and walked his quiet girlfriend home. She didn’t say anything and waited to cry until they were inside and cuddled on the couch. Yoochun held her tightly, rubbing her arm and kissing her head. When she calmed down enough, Yoochun went to the kitchen to brew some fruity tea.

Jaehwa went down the hall, and a moment later, soft Celtic music echoed through the apartment.

Her phone vibrated on the counter and Yoochun grabbed it. He smiled at the text message and walked to her room to show her.

Jaehwa was in the middle of changing, slipping into a pair of blue sweat pants. She wore a tank top and had let her hair down.

Yoochun handed her the phone, and she read the message and smiled, eyes bright.

**Jaehwa Fighting! To thine own self be true!**

Jaehwa sent a text back and then threw her arms around Yoochun and hugged him tightly.

“Thank you,” Jaehwa whispered, “for being there for me.”

“I will always be there for you.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	16. The Changes

**April 2013**

Yoochun added another paragraph to his final paper for his economics course. His eyes were blurring, staring between Internet windows and books, trying to get this stupid thing done. He tried not to think of the final project in Management or the other final exams sneaking up on him.

Arms wrapped around his neck, lips pressed against his cheek. Yoochun smiled and leaned against Jaehwa.

“You need to take a break.”

“I can’t. I’m almost done.”

A tongue trailed up to his ear, teeth nibbled on his earlobe. Yoochun shut his eyes with a sigh, fingers stilling on the keyboard.

“Come on. You need to eat.”

“Now that is true.”

Jaehwa released him and Yoochun quickly saved his work and turned his back on it, swiveling in his chair. He caught a glimpse of Jaehwa before she ducked into his closet. Clothes rustled and fell, hangers clinked together. Yoochun stood up and followed her, catching her in nothing but a long skirt and a bra. He licked his lips and took the shirt from her hands.

With a smile, she let him pull their bodies close and their lips met softly.

“Move in with me,” Yoochun muttered into the kiss.

Jaehwa froze and tried to pull away. Yoochun kissed her cheek and her neck and then went back to her lips.

“I want you to,” Yoochun continued softly. “Whenever you’re ready, just show up with a bunch of boxes, and I’ll let you live here permanently.”

Jaehwa swallowed and looked away.

Yoochun touched her cheek.

She blinked and tears fell down her cheeks.

“Love?”

With a gasp, she twisted and buried her face in his neck. He hugged her tightly while her shoulders shook.

“Everything is changing,” she whispered. “It’s so hard. I don’t …”

“What’s changing?”

“We’re graduating, Junsu and Minnie … they … Junsu wants to move in with him, but he doesn’t want to leave me and I can’t get in the way of them being together, and now you want me to live with you, and …” She bit her lower lip.

Yoochun tugged at it lightly with his fingers. “Do you want to live with me?”

Jaehwa nodded. “Yes. Of course, I do, but … I’m scared, Chunnie-love.”

“So am I, actually.”

Jaehwa leaned away, disbelief on her face.

“What? It’s normal to be scared when things change, and you’re going to make everything pink or purple and mess up my closet, and—“

She pouted. “I’m not that messy.”

Yoochun raised his eyebrows and looked from his perfectly organized side of the closet to the piles of clothes on shelves and the mess of shoes on the floor on the other side.

“Shut up,” she mumbled and buried her face in his neck again.

Yoochun chuckled and held her tightly. “Move in with me, okay?”

She shook her head. “I can’t. Not right now. After school is done, you’re going to go into the army and--”

Yoochun cursed softly. “You’re right. We’ll have to wait.”

Yoochun held her a little bit longer and she sighed heavily. Yoochun knew that she wanted to say something else, so he was quiet until she was ready.

“You know that internship I applied for?”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t get it. They didn’t even let me have an interview.”

“Oh.”

Jaehwa pushed away and went to a pile of shirts on a shelf. She dug through them, and muttered, “Something about them not wanting to be _that kind_ of company. Bastards.”

“Don’t worry, love. You’ll find something. Not everyone is a bigoted asshole.”

Jaehwa glared at him. “Aren’t you pissed?”

“Of course, I am. It’s not fair. I know it’s not, but not everyone is going to be like that. Look at Doctor Lee. People’s views are changing.”

Jaehwa sighed and nodded. “Not fast enough.” She found a red sweater that was deemed appropriate for the evening and pulled it over her head. Yoochun smiled and grabbed his own sweater from a neatly folded pile.

She hugged him tightly. “Thank you for not being like that.”

Yoochun smiled and breathed in the smell of her conditioner. Lust twisted in his body. It’d been days since they’d been together for more than just kissing. Fucking finals.

“Let’s go eat before I throw you on my bed and we end up starving to death,” Yoochun said.

Jaehwa bit her lower lip and said, “Yunho and Heechul invited us to dinner. He wants me to tell Heechul the truth, since the two of them are so serious and lovey dovey with each other.”

Yoochun frowned. “How often do you talk to your ex-boyfriend without me knowing?”

“Ah, Chunnie, don’t be like this. Yunho is my friend.”

“Your tall, gorgeous, sexy ex-boyfriend.”

Her lip twitched. “You think he’s sexy?”

Yoochun made a face. “You know what I mean.”

“Yes, I do, and you’re right, he is tall and gorgeous and sexy. But so are you. And if you didn’t notice, I had my lips wrapped around your dick two days ago, not his.”

“I know, but he’s …”

“My friend. Just like Junsu is my friend, and he’s my ex-boyfriend. And you don’t get all jealous over him. And Junsu is sexy, too. Have you seen his ass? And what about Changmin?”

“God, don’t tell me he’s your ex-boyfriend, too!”

Jaehwa laughed. “No way. But he’s tall and sexy and gorgeous, too.”

“You’re just surrounded by them. How do you manage to stay with little ol’ me, when you can have so much better?”

Jaehwa draped her arms around Yoochun’s lips and with a small smile said, “I ask myself that every day about you, but it’s more along the lines of how do you manage to stay with disgusting me when you can have a girl with an actual pussy?”

Yoochun frowned and hugged her tightly. “You know I don’t think of it like that. And I’m not friends with any of my ex-girlfriends.”

“Yeah, I know. But you trust me, right?”

“Of course, I do. I’m sorry, love. Forgive me?”

She smiled and their lips met. “Forgiven. Can we go now? Yunho said he’d pay.”

“Should have said that first,” Yoochun said and laughed.

Jaehwa smiled, pressed one more kiss to his lips and then slipped out of the closet. Yoochun decided that if they were going to dinner with Yunho and Heechul, then he sure as hell wasn’t going to look like a bum. He changed from his jeans and t-shirt into a pair of tight black slacks and a long-sleeved, maroon button-down that would go well with, but not necessarily match, Jaehwa’s sweater. He pulled on a sport jacket, and then left the closet to fix his hair.

“I’m going to tell Yunho you dressed up just for him.”

“And you’re going to go home alone tonight.”

Jaehwa’s laughter rang through his apartment, and Yoochun laughed with her as he finished getting ready to go.

Yunho texted an address to an Italian restaurant that was close by. The weather was warm for early spring, so Yoochun and Jaehwa decided to walk. She was wearing heels that made her just barely taller than Yoochun, and he held her hand, smirking.

“What?” Jaehwa asked.

“You’re tall and gorgeous and sexy, too.”

Jaehwa smiled and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

They arrived at the restaurant a few minutes late. Yunho stood up as they came into view. He was in a standard suit, but with an open shirt and no tie. Heechul stood and bowed at them too. He was wearing bright blue pants and white fuzzy sweater. He looked Yoochun up and down and whistled.

“Wow, I was going to be mad that you two were late, but damn Jaehwa, who is this gorgeous thing next to you? Surely this can’t be Yoochun.” He walked around him to enjoy the full effect of Yoochun dressed up.

Jaehwa laughed. “He dressed up to impress Yunho.”

“Well, fuck Yunho. He’s impressed me.” Heechul quickly grabbed the lapels of Yoochun’s jacket, yanked him forward and kissed him on the lips.

Yoochun froze, eyes wide as Heechul pulled away with a wet smack.

“Hmm, he even tastes good.”

“Um, Heechul,” Jaehwa said. “Remember what you said about my nails being wicked?”

Heechul laughed, smoothed Yoochun’s jacket and then went and sat back down next to Yunho. It took Yoochun a few seconds to gather his senses, give himself a shake and then sit down at the four setting table.

Yunho smiled at him, arm around the back of Heechul’s chair. “Sorry, Yoochun. I didn’t think he’d need his leash today.” His finger trailed along Heechul’s neck.

“It’s … okay, I guess. Wow.” Yoochun swallowed and turned to Jaehwa. “Remind me not to dress up when Heechul is going to be around.”

Heechul laughed.

The waiter appeared and Yunho ordered wine for himself and Jaehwa, a pink fluffy thing for Heechul and a beer for Yoochun. They spent the next few minutes discussing the menu and deciding what to order. When the waiter reappeared with their drinks, they gave him their order too.

“So how are finals?” Yunho asked.

Yoochun made a face. “I am so glad I’m almost done.”

“Me, too,” Jaehwa said.

“I got into law school.”

Jaehwa’s eyes went wide and she squealed, quickly silencing it with a sheepish look around. “That’s awesome! I knew you’d get accepted.”

“My hubby the lawyer,” Heechul said and leaned against his side.

Yunho smiled and squeezed Heechul’s shoulder.

“Congratulations,” Yoochun said.

“Thank you.”

Jaehwa raised her wine glass and they all toasted him.

“What about you, Jae?” Yunho asked. “Have you heard about that internship?”

Jaehwa’s smile fell and she looked at the table, fingers loose on the stem of her wine glass. “I didn’t get it.”

“What?” Heechul demanded, completely affronted. “Your grades are perfect and your songs are—“

Yunho put a hand on his cheek and shook his head. “I’m sorry you didn’t get it.”

“Yeah, well. Shit happens.”

“It shouldn’t,” Yoochun said. “It’s not fair at all.”

“I’m confused,” Heechul said.

Yunho looked at Jaehwa and whispered, “You don’t have to.”

“I know, but … you’re really serious about him?”

Yunho smiled and kissed Heechul’s cheek. “Yes, I am.”

Jaehwa glared at Heechul.

“What did I do?”

“You’re serious about Yunho right? You’re not just with him to leave him later?”

Heechul tittered and said, “Well, duh. You think I’d stay with him this long if I didn’t want to be?”

Jaehwa smiled.

“What does this have to do with your internship?”

Jaehwa pulled a slim wallet out of her purse. It snapped open, and she pulled out her ID card. Yoochun had seen that ID card. The picture on it had been taken right when Jaehwa arrived in Seoul. Before her hair had grown out long enough to hide the fact that she was a boy. Yoochun put his hand on her leg and gave it a soft squeeze of support.

Heechul took it from her hands and looked it for a few seconds before his eyes went wide. “What the –“

“Surprise,” Jaehwa said weakly.

Heechul stared at her, and stared, and stared. Jaehwa tilted her head and hid behind her hair.

“So you are gay,” Heechul said, turning to Yoochun.

“No, I’m not.”

“Really?” He clicked his tongue and held the card back for Jaehwa to take. “Care to explain how you aren’t gay?”

“Not really about me right now,” Yoochun said and snatched the card from his fingers, “but, I have a girlfriend, if you didn’t know.”

“Heechul,” Yunho said in warning.

“What? I … you’re a guy.”

“No, she’s not,” Yunho said.

“But—“

“Please excuse me,” Jaehwa mumbled and stood up quickly.

Yoochun reached for her.

“I’ll be right back.”

Yunho glared at Heechul, and Heechul rolled his eyes, but stood up and went after her with a muttered, “Well, fuck this.”

Yunho sighed.

“Think Heechul will go into the girls’ bathroom after her?”

Yunho smirked. “Yes.” After a moment he frowned and said, “I’m sorry. I really thought it wouldn’t bother Heechul at all.”

“Give him time to digest it. He did go after her.”

“Yeah. He’s such a large part of my life. The part of me that always felt like something was missing when I was dating Jaehwa is now completely satisfied. I know Heechul is a lot to handle, and he’s more diva than man, but we work together. My lease is up in a couple of weeks, and Heechul has been living with his friend Siwon for two months or so. I want to live with him, but it’ll be hard if he and Jaehwa don’t get along.”

Yoochun nodded, looking down at the table.

“Is everything okay?” Yunho asked. “With you and Jaehwa?”

Yoochun shrugged. “Yeah, we’re okay. It’s life that is going to fuck things over.”

“What do you mean?”

“I asked her to move in with me, and she said no, because I have to go to the military, but Junsu and Changmin want to move in together, and well, she’s feeling a little lost right now.”

Yunho frowned, and then sighed. “She’s so fragile and yet so strong. Such a paradox of emotions.”

“God, I love her.”

The food arrived before Jaehwa and Heechul returned. Yunho sent Heechul a text message (because that diva would die without his phone), and then started eating. Yoochun did too, though his food tasted like dirt in his mouth.

Heechul led Jaehwa back to the table, glaring at both of them with a haughty expression. He pulled Jaehwa’s chair closer to his and let her sit. Her face was slightly puffy like she’d been crying, but nothing else was amiss.

Yoochun reached over and touched her leg. “You okay?”

“We are fabulous,” Heechul said, with a flare of his hand, “and Jaehwa is my new bestest friend.”

“Yay for me,” Jaehwa said with a smile.

“Hey, now,” Heechul said. “I am offering my undying forever friendship. Not a lot of people are worthy of that.”

Yunho snorted.

“What?” Heechul demanded.

“A week after I asked you out,” Yunho said, “You said to me, ‘I am offering my glorious, perfect ass to you. Not a lot of people are worthy of that’.”

Heechul smirked. “Well, they aren’t.”

Jaehwa smiled. “Thanks, Heechul.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**May 2013**

Finals were brutal, but that was more Yoochun’s fault than the actual tests. He spent every moment with Jaehwa that he could. He and MinSu discussed her at length about what to do while Yoochun went to the military. The day of Jaehwa’s last final, the three of them met together at Angel Café.

“Look, Yoochun,” Changmin said. “We always said we’d go to the military together and we will.”

“But what about us?” Junsu asked. He looked like he might cry, but he kept his emotions in tact.

Changmin shook his head and put his arm around Junsu. “I’m sorry, Su. But Yoochun and I have been planning on this since we both started college.”

Junsu frowned.

“I either go now, or I go later.”

“I know, but—“

“And if I go now, with Yoochun, then Jaehwa won’t be by herself, and you won’t be by yourself later.”

Junsu frowned and pulled his phone out. “This isn’t fair.”

“That’s how Jaehwa feels, too,” Yoochun said.

“I know.” His fingers flew over the keys and he leaned into Changmin’s body.

Yoochun and Changmin met each other’s eyes. “Should have gone before school, huh?”

“How would we know we’d both fall desperately in love?” Changmin asked.

“You’re smart. You should’ve figured it out.”

Junsu snorted.

Changmin pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“I better go,” Yoochun said.

“You better wait until I can make Jaehwa some coffee,” Junsu said and pushed Changmin off the bench. They both stood up and then Changmin sat back down.

“I don’t know what to do, Changmin. This sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.”

“When are you going in for your check up?”

“When you do.”

Yoochun said, “You don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I know. But we’ve been friends for longer than I have known Junsu and he understands. It’s the only way that’s equally sucky to everyone.”

Junsu came back with a latte for Yoochun and Jaehwa’s peppermint coffee. “Jaehwa should be done with her last final soon. You’ll talk to her?”

“Yeah. The sooner we get in the military, the sooner we can get out of it.”

Changmin nodded.

Yoochun said goodbye to them and headed for their park bench, worrying the entire way there.

Jaehwa sat waiting for him. She was wearing her standard comfort outfit of a long skirt, leggings, combat boots and army jacket. She smiled widely as he walked up. He sat next to her heavily and asked how her final was. She made a face, leaned into his body and took her coffee.

“Bless Junsu.”

Yoochun shut his eyes and cuddled his girlfriend close, breath quick on her head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Just thinking of not being with you for two years.”

Jaehwa sighed. “You have to.”

“Yeah. So does Changmin.”

Jaehwa pulled away and looked at him closely.

“We’re going to go together. We’ve always planned it that way.”

“What about Junsu?”

“What about you?”

Jaehwa crossed her arms and looked away.

“Junsu doesn’t want Changmin to go anymore than you want me to go. But we have to, and if we go together, that means you and Junsu can keep living together, and then when we’re done, we can discuss things.”

Jaehwa bit her lip and nodded. “It makes sense, even if it does suck.”

“Yeah.”

She buried her face in Yoochun’s shoulder. “I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you, too.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**June 2013**

“Hello, Jaehwa, Yoochun-shi,” Doctor Lee said and bowed.

Yoochun said hello to her and bowed as well.

“Have a seat. How did your finals go?”

Yoochun shivered, and Jaehwa laughed. “We both did great, even if they were difficult.”

“College graduates, congratulations.”

“Thank you,” they both murmured.

“Now what?” Doctor Lee asked.

Yoochun turned to Jaehwa. His girlfriend was so pretty in a pale yellow sundress and her hair up in a ponytail. She wore wedge heels with ties up her calf muscles. Her shoulders and collarbones were perfectly shaped, and it took most of Yoochun’s effort to keep his hands out of her skirt when she showed him what she was wearing.

Jaehwa took a deep breath. “He’s going to go to the military next month.”

“A necessity. What’s happening with your mom and her shop?”

“Yoohwan isn’t done with school yet. So he’s going to move into my apartment while I’m gone, and help my mother. They’ll be okay.”

“And what about you, Jaehwa?”

Jaehwa flicked her gaze to Yoochun once and then said, “Junsu and I are going to stay in our apartment and wait for our boyfriends to get back from being perfect Korean citizens.”

Doctor Lee smiled. “At least you won’t be alone, right?”

“Yeah.”

“What about getting your name changed?”

Yoochun whipped his head over to Jaehwa. “What?”

Doctor Lee shook her head. “Jaehwa, come on. I told you that you need to talk to Yoochun about these things.”

“I know but …” Jaehwa sighed. “I don’t want him to get excited if it’s not going to happen.”

“If what isn’t going to happen?”

“Jaehwa is going to put in a request to have her name legally changed to Kim Jaehwa.”

“That’s awesome.” Yoochun reached for her hand and Jaehwa let him take it. “What are the chances?”

“It depends on the judge,” Doctor Lee said. “I’m going to do some research on sympathetic judges and make sure we petition the right one. And Jaehwa needs to get an attorney.”

“Do you need anything from me?”

“Actually, yes. We need a written statement from you, Junsu, Changmin, pretty much anyone else who will vouch for Jaehwa being a female. Her sister Yoonah has already agreed to write one.”

“That’s great. I’ll do it tomorrow, and we can have Yunho and Heechul write one too.”

Jaehwa took another deep breath. “Everything is changing so much.”

Yoochun turned and brought her hand up to his lips to kiss it. “Comes with life.”

“Yeah, I know. Doesn’t make it less scary.”


	17. The Letter

Yoochun stepped out of the shower and gathered his towel around his waist. There was a box on the counter full of Jaehwa’s things, and Yoochun frowned at the physical reminder that he wasn’t going to see his girlfriend for a very long time.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you looked at it, Yoochun’s asthma wasn’t as big a factor in his physical testing as he thought it was, and he was classified as a level three. That meant that he wasn’t going to get to live in his own apartment for a civil service job, but live on base with other military personnel. Changmin, being perfectly healthy, was put in level one, so after basic training, they wouldn’t see each other again.

Jaehwa wasn’t in his room. He pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top, and went to find her, frowning at more boxes, half full of stuff. He hadn’t realized how much of her had already been in his apartment.

Jaehwa lay curled up on his couch, enclosed in a one of his hoodies and wrapped up in one of his blankets. She was staring at the blank television, eyes puffy with tears.

Yoochun kneeled in front of her and touched her cheek. She whimpered and lifted up enough to wrap her arms around his shoulders. Yoochun held her shaking body for a long time. She shifted up on the couch and he lay next to her, holding her tightly with arms and legs, and lips against her cheek.

“Come to bed with me,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa swallowed, but nodded. They stood up, bodies touching, unwilling to part even for a second. Yoochun put his arm around her waist and she curled into him, more shuffling than walking. They climbed into bed, just as connected as before, and Yoochun lay on his back, his beautiful girlfriend curled up at his side.

“I don’t want you to go,” Jaehwa said.

“I don’t want to go.”

Jaehwa smiled and looked up at him. “You have a passport, don’t you? Let’s defect to Japan.”

“If I get imprisoned for that, it’ll be for longer than just getting it over with.”

“I know, but it’d be fun to go to Japan.”

“We’ll go after.”

Jaehwa bit her lower lip and said, “I can get surgery in Japan. Doctor Lee says they have surgeons there that actually care about people like me.”

“You’re thinking about surgery?”

“Yeah, but … not until you get back.”

“Good. I want to be there for you and take care of you afterwards.”

Jaehwa buried her face in Yoochun’s neck. “God, I’m going to miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you too.” Yoochun ran his hand over her head, smoothing her hair. She looked up at him, eyes sparkling with tears and Yoochun’s throat tightened. Their lips met easily, comfortably.

“Chunnie-love?” she whispered after a while.

“Hmm?”

“Our two year anniversary is next week.”

Yoochun swallowed. “Yeah.”

“You’re already going to be gone.”

“Yeah.”

Jaehwa sighed and pushed her hands under Yoochun’s tank top. He lifted and they parted for long enough to pull it over his head. Jaehwa shifted and straddled his lap, running her hands up and down his chest and stomach. Her nails caught on a nipple and Yoochun hissed at the unintentional touch.

Jaehwa smirked. “Horny bastard,” she said and rolled his nipple around her finger for a moment.

Yoochun grinned. “Maybe a little,” he replied and reached up for the zipper on the hoody. It slipped down easily, revealing bare skin flushed pink. Yoochun pressed his hands to her breasts, cupping them with his own smirk. Whatever that medicine Jaehwa was on, sure was working. Yoochun wouldn’t call the bumps breasts just yet, but her chest was fuller than it was a few months ago.

Jaehwa tilted her head back and sighed. Her fingers stilled and Yoochun pinched her nipples lightly.

“Feel good?”

“Yeah, just … overly sensitive.”

Yoochun grinned. He lifted his body off the bed and pulled himself up with a firm hand around Jaehwa’s back. His mouth attached to her nipple and sucked lightly.

“Hm, Chunnie-ah,” she whispered, hands gripping the back of his head. “They’re going to cut off your hair.”

Yoochun chuckled and let his fingers trace the new subtle curve of breast. “Yeah. But that’s okay. I look good with short hair too."

“Do you think the army will rid you of your arrogance?”

“I hope not.”

Jaehwa giggled. “You wouldn’t be you without it.”

Yoochun lowered Jaehwa to the bed and crawled over her, knees at her hips. Her hand slid down his bare back and pushed into his sweat pants to cup his ass. He smiled and kissed her gently, persuading her into a deeper kiss over long minutes. Her breath came out shaky, her hands quivering on his skin. They’d made love four times since yesterday, since Jaehwa had come over to pack her things. Yoohwan was moving in over the weekend, and Yoochun was leaving for the army on Monday. They really shouldn’t have gone back to bed; Jaehwa needed to pack.

“I love you,” Yoochun whispered, somehow managing to get the words past the lump in his throat.

Her chest hitched and her eyes shut. Yoochun wasn’t surprised when she started crying again. This new medication was not only giving her softer skin, muscles and breasts, but it was also messing with her emotions. Doctor Lee said it was normal and that she was very pleased with Jaehwa’s progress.

Yoochun was too, but he hated it when she cried. He kissed her cheeks and her chin with open lips, whispering _I love you_ into each new kiss. Earlier that morning he’d left hickys all over her body, reminders that would last four or five days. He kissed each one, sliding down her body, hands roving on her skin. He already had the sensitive spots memorized. He already knew that he could draw her naked body from memory.

How different would her body be when he was released from the army? How different would she be? Would her personality change? Would her drive in life? Would she be more dedicated or fall under the weight of the pressure without him there to support her?

Yoochun kissed up her body, pausing to lick her collarbones. The whimpers she made, even after so long together, when that sensitive skin was touched, were still full of pleasure and disbelief. Yoochun added another small hicky to the skin just below and then pulled up and just stared at her face.

Tears stained her cheeks. Her lashes fluttered. Her mouth was open, soft, short breaths slipping past her lips. Her tongue swiped along her lower lip, and Yoochun moaned and sucked it into his mouth. Jaehwa whimpered, fingers tightening on his back. Her body arched into his, their chests pressed together.

“Chunnie-love, oh god, don’t go, please.”

Yoochun’s chest tightened and he kissed her cheek and chin and lips. His elbows bent, unable to keep himself up, and he covered her completely. Her arms and legs wrapped around him, moving, never still, trying to wrap him up as tightly as possible. Keep him. Never let him go.

“I can’t … I can’t.”

Yoochun kissed below her jaw, body shaking. He blinked and tears dripped down his cheek. He put on arm around her neck and the other around her back, holding her. “I’m so sorry.”

Sobs wracked her body, and Yoochun shifted to the side. She clung to him, trembling. He did his best to calm her down with touches and kisses. No words, though. He couldn’t say anything to make her feel better. He had to go to the army.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

“Jaehwa, beautiful girl,” Yoochun’s mother said as soon as they entered the gelato shop on Sunday morning. She hugged Jaehwa tightly.

Jaehwa froze in her embrace, and her chest hitched.

“Whatever is the matter?”

Yoochun cleared his throat and motioned to a table. “You should sit down.”

Shock covered her face and then she grabbed Yoochun’s shoulders. “You’re not leaving her are you? Oh god, don’t break your mother’s heart. Please.”

Yoochun led his mom to a table. “No, eomma, I’m not leaving her. That would be the same as ripping out my own heart.”

“Good.”

“Where’s Yoohwan?”

“In the back.”

Yoochun nodded, and went to the counter; he leaned over it and shouted, “Yoohwan!”

“What?”

“Come out here. Family meeting!”

“All right, all right.”

Jaehwa sat nervously across from his mother, and stared a hole in the table.

“Is everything okay?” Yoochun’s mother asked, touching Jaehwa’s hand.

Jaehwa flinched and then took a deep breath. “Maybe.”

“Maybe? Oh god, you’re not pregnant are you? Not that that would be a bad thing, we’d just have to get you two married before he goes to his military service, which I think you two should have done anyway.”

Jaehwa sort of smiled. “No. I … I can’t get pregnant.”

“What?”

Yoochun sat next to Jaehwa and then a moment later Yoohwan sat next to their mother. Yoochun took Jaehwa’s shaking hand and squeezed.

“We have to tell you something,” Yoochun said, “and Jaehwa doesn’t want to, but I think it’s necessary.”

Jaehwa bit her lower lip and then took another deep breath and looked up. Yoochun’s mother’s face had gone almost to stone.

Yoochun loved that his mother was strong. It was probably why he was so attracted to Jaehwa.

“It isn’t easy for me to say this, but … I would rather have you hear from me, rather than hear from the press,” Jaehwa said.

Yoochun squeezed her hand one more time in support.

“I … I was born into a male body. My parents named me Kim Jaejoong, but even at a young age, I didn’t know how to act like a boy like my father wanted. I was more comfortable playing with my eight older sisters than I was playing with my boy cousins. I … I left my home when I was eighteen and …”

Yoochun stared at his mother. She said nothing, eyes narrowed.

Jaehwa swallowed nervously and did as she had done with Heechul and pulled out her ID card.

“What the fuck?” Yoohwan asked, and their mother did not reprimand him for his language. That was enough to show Yoochun that she was either in shock or very, very angry.

“I’m petitioning to have my name changed,” Jaehwa continued. “And the press might get incredibly interested in it, so Yoochun said it was a good idea to tell everyone close to us, so they . Yeah …”

“I knew you had a secret,” Yoohwan said and jabbed his finger into Yoochun’s shoulder.

“Eomma,” Yoochun said and reached for her hand.

She jerked back, shot a look at Yoohwan, and Yoohwan stood up.

Jaehwa broke off a little sob as his mother walked away from their table and went into the back.

Yoohwan handed the ID card back to Yoochun. “You make a much prettier girl than a boy, noona,” Yoohwan said.

Jaehwa tried to smile.

“You’re okay with this?” Yoochun said seriously.

“Yes. Remember when I dated Taemin? He was more woman than man.”

Yoochun chuckled. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“Chunnie-ah, I have to get to work,” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun nodded, staring off to where his mom had gone.

“I’ll go with you,” Yoohwan said suddenly. “We’re going to be in-laws, might as well hang out a bit.”

“Dongsaeng,” Yoochun said in warning.

“What? Did I say anything about telling her stories about you when we were younger? No, I didn’t. We’re just going to hang out.”

Jaehwa finally smiled.

“Don’t believe anything he tells you,” Yoochun said and shook his finger at her.

Jaehwa smiled, and leaned forward. She blushed, and tried to lean away, eyes darting to Yoohwan, but Yoochun cupped her face in his hands and kissed her gently.

“I’ll be by to see you in a few hours. I have a couple more pieces of paperwork I need to fill out before I go to the army offices.”

Jaehwa nodded.

Yoochun stood up and they did too. Jaehwa hugged him tightly.

“Don’t worry about eomma. She’s stubborn like you are,” Yoohwan said.

“I’ll go talk to her.” Yoochun caressed Jaehwa’s cheek. “I love you, my angel.”

She smiled. “I love you, too.”

“Sap fest,” Yoohwan muttered.

They laughed, and Yoohwan took Jaehwa by the elbow and led her out of the store. Yoochun waited until they were in a taxi, and Jaehwa waved and Yoochun waved. He stood in the middle of his mom’s gelato shop for another moment, and then went to the back.

He heard his mom crying before he came to the office. He leaned against the wall outside of it and sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he said, loud enough for her to hear.

She stopped crying.

“I love her so much. I always have. When I first saw her, I knew that I had to ask her out, and find out everything about her. When she told me she was actually a boy, I almost ended things with her, but I went almost a day without talking to her and my heart broke and I missed her so much. It’s been really hard. And it’s been even harder since Jaehwa doesn’t have support from her family. We’ve both been afraid to tell you.”

He sighed.

“You love her?” his mother said, right next to him.

“Yes. More than anything.”

“You can’t marry her.”

Yoochun shook his head. “Not yet.”

“What do you mean?”

“If she has reconstructive surgery, she can apply to the courts to have her gender legally changed. And then we can get married.”

“Oh my god.”

Yoochun smiled at the blush that covered his mom’s face. “Trust me. I know. Getting her name changed is the first step.”

His mom stayed silent. He pulled out the lined paper he’d written his letter on. He needed to type it out before submitting it to the courts, but it’d been really easy to just write and write until he’d said everything he needed to. He handed it to her, and his mom had to wipe her eyes before she read it. He waited in silence.

His mother lowered the papers when she was done reading.

“I need you on this, eomma. I need you, please. She’s so worried about everyone but herself. She didn’t want to tell you because she was afraid of what it would do to our relationship.”

His mom hugged him tightly, papers crinkling. “You’re still my little boy, and look at you, taking on society and being different. But oh god, Yoochun-ah, what if Yoohwan falls in love with a man? I’ll never have grandchildren.”

“Jaehwa and I can eventually adopt.”

“That’s a long ways down the road.”

“Yeah. Her therapist is really nice and helping her go through the steps of what comes next. You’d like Dr. Lee.”

“Maybe Jaehwa would let me go with her one day.”

Yoochun nodded. “Yeah. She needs a mother. Her own mom is …” He sighed. “She isn’t nice. When she goes home, Jaehwa disappears, and Jaejoong … God.”

“Okay. I may not agree with it, and I may not understand it, but I will support you because you’re my son and I trust you.”

“Thanks, eomma.”

Yoochun hugged her tightly.  
  
-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

_To the Courts of the Republic of South Korea,_

_My name is Park Yoochun. I am the oldest son in my family, and in one week, I am to start my military service. Two years ago, fate, providence or God (depending on what you believe in) intervened in my life and introduced me to the most amazing woman. I met Kim Jaehwa at the Angel Café where she still currently works. Love at first sight isn’t a strong enough name for the phenomenon that hit me that day. Unfortunately, it was only one sided and I spent the next four months practically begging her to let me take her out. Only on the advice of her best friend did Jaehwa finally agree to go out with me._

_I did my best to her, and treated her like any lady should be treated. She has told me many times that she is glad I am a gentleman. Being a gentleman takes patience though, and mine was wearing thin. It’s odd these days to go more than a week without kissing the girl you are dating. I went four months._

_Her reluctance was not because of me, fortunately._

_The day she told me she was born into a male body was the day I felt my life might end. I felt betrayed and alarmed. And mildly weirded out. I thought of what she must have gone through in her life, I thought of what we would go through if we continued to date. I thought about what my mother would think when she found out that the woman I loved could not give her the grandchildren she so desperately needed. I thought of all those things, and tried to talk myself out of it._

_I couldn’t, and now I’m glad. The fact that Jaehwa was born in the wrong body does not change who she is. It does not change the girl I fell in love with. It does not change the fact that Jaehwa loves raspberry tea and sappy movies and pretty much all things pink or yellow or lavender. She is still the strong person I met. She’s still the stubborn person I met. She is still the wonderful person I fell in love with._

_When I thought about my life without her, I knew I would move on. I knew I’d probably find another girl that I loved and that I could marry. But I didn’t want to. Jaehwa makes me happy. Dating her and being in love with her has made the last two years of my life the best two years of my life, and I want to have that happiness grow._

_I love Jaehwa. I always have. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever had the pleasure of dating. As soon as I am through with my military service, we will move in together. She is hesitant about marriage, but only because we can’t legally get married. But I still want to have a ceremony with her, something that shows her that I will be by her side for the rest of our lives._

_Jaehwa has lived her whole life under the scrutiny of others, under their persecution and ridicule. This has made her stronger, and strengthened her resolve to live as she was meant to be. Changing her name will be one step closer to helping her with her troubles. Please allow my beautiful angel to do this. She has already suffered so much._

_Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I will do my best in the army and serve the Republic of Korea until the end of my days._

_Park Yoochun_

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-


	18. The Homecoming

**March 2015**

**20 months later**

The world had a tendency to narrow down around Yoochun whenever he was with Jaehwa. Walking across the courtyard of the military base where he had been stationed proved to be no different. Sure, he was aware of his mother, his brother, god, even Heechul was there with Yunho. But then that all went away when Jaehwa was practically running to meet him. She was wearing a yellow sundress and had her hair loose and around her shoulders. The necklace he’d given her for their one year anniversary hung around her neck.

And then he had Jaehwa wrapped in his arms and his girlfriend was crying and nothing else mattered.

This hug wasn’t the same as the ones they’d shared during his vacations or his weekends off over the last twenty months. Those hugs were strained and desperate, knowing that Yoochun had to leave again, let her go again. This one held promise that they never had to let each other go.

Yoochun’s head was light, his vision misty, and he made a sudden rash decision. He’d wanted to take her out dinner, something romantic, with wine and good food and classical music. He had it planned, but mentally said fuck it. His pulled his upper body away, ran his hand through and over Jaehwa’s hair, and wiped her tears.

“Marry me,” he whispered, voice breaking

Her eyes went wide. “What?”

“Marry me.”

“We can’t—“

“I know we can’t do it legally, but come on. I want to see you in a wedding dress, I want pictures and flowers. I want to promise to love you for the rest of my life, and I want you to believe it.”

She smiled. “You’re so corny.”

Yoochun’s throat closed and he ducked down to kiss her, and then Changmin was pulling them apart. “All right, all right enough.”

“Like you were better last week,” Jaehwa said and punched Changmin’s shoulder. “You and Junsu didn’t come out of his room for almost two days.”

Changmin smirked. He’d been released five days before Yoochun.

Yunho clapped Yoochun on the back. “Welcome home, soldier.”

Yoochun grinned. “Thanks.”

“My boy is home,” his mother said, working her way into the group. “And now my other boy is leaving and …”

Yoochun wiped his mother’s tears away and hugged her, and then his brother. As soon as he let Yoohwan go, Heechul was in front of him, hands up and swiping over his shoulders.

“Hey,” Heechul said, “remember what I said about Yoochun all dressed up?”

Jaehwa narrowed her eyes and went to step in front of Yoochun, but Heechul was just that much faster and like before, Yoochun found his lips pressed against Heechul’s, eyes wide open in shock. Heechul hummed and licked Yoochun’s upper lip as he pulled away.

“Yoochun in fatigues is fifty times sexier.”

Yunho hooked his arm around Heechul’s neck and pulled him away.

Jaehwa glared at him, and cupped Yoochun’s face and kissed him. “Kiss the gay off you, seriously, Yunho, where is his muzzle?”

“Being cleaned,” Yunho replied with a grin.

“Your fault,” Heechul said. “You’re the one that wanted to spray my face with—“

“Oh my god, really?” Yoochun said and covered his mom’s ears.

She laughed. “Don’t worry, baby. I’ve gotten used to Heechul.”

“I didn’t know it was possible to get used to Heechul.”

Heechul stuck his tongue out at Yoochun.

His mom smiled again, and then inhaled and tears pricked her eyes. Yoochun held her tightly with one arm, and pulled Jaehwa close with the other. He shut his own eyes, holding the two most important women in his life.

“Come on,” Jaehwa said. “We have a party planned for you.”

“I hope there’s food.”

“There is.”

They all headed to the parking lot where Yoochun’s mother and Changmin had parked their cars.

“Where’s Junsu?” Yoochun asked.

“At the café,” Jaehwa replied. “Which is where we are headed.”

“Except me,” Yoohwan said. “I have to get back to the shop for a little while.”

Yoochun hugged Yoohwan again. “Thanks for taking care of mom, for me.”

Yoohwan shrugged. “Well, it’s your turn now. My turn for the army.”

“You’ll do well. You’re the best dongsaeng in the world.”

Yoohwan stared at him for a beat and then burst out laughing. “Oh my god, hyung what the hell?”

“I don’t tell you I love you enough, brother. I should tell you more.”

“You shouldn’t. Really, hyung. That’s weird and awkward.”

Yoochun smiled.

“Do you want to change before we go to the café?” Yoochun’s mom asked.

“Yes, god, yes.”

“I’ll take them to Yoohwan’s,” Changmin said, “ and we’ll meet you there.”

“Okay.”

Yoohwan, Yunho and Heechul all climbed into Yoochun’s mom’s car, and Yoochun climbed into the back of Changmin’s car with Jaehwa and held her tightly.

She sighed and tightened her arms around his middle. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Hey, no making out in my car,” Changmin said just as their lips met.

“No making out? What about groping?” Jaehwa asked and gripped Yoochun’s dick through his pants.

Yoochun moaned.

“No, fuck no.”

“What a spoilsport,” Yoochun said.

Jaehwa smiled and buried her face in Yoochun’s neck. “That’s okay. I’m content just to be in your arms right now.”

Changmin pulled up in front of Yoochun’s building a few minutes later. “You have ten minutes. That’s it. No sex. Nothing. Ten minutes.”

“Or?”

“I tell your mother you’d rather fuck your girlfriend than see her, and I will tell her that those were your exact words.”

Yoochun thought about it, and then nodded. “Okay. Ten minutes.”

Yoochun took the stairs. Jaehwa didn’t let go of his hand until he had to unlock the door, and then she clutched onto his elbow. His apartment had slowly turned into Yoohwan’s apartment. It still felt like a place he was welcomed, but it didn’t feel like home anymore. But then again, Yoohwan was enlisting soon, so maybe it would be his … no, their … apartment again. They had to decide what was going on. He and Jaehwa were definitely going to move in together, but here or somewhere else, he wasn’t sure.

His things were still shoved into the spare bedroom, and he went there to strip out of his fatigues. He unbuttoned his shirt first and hung it over the back of a chair.

“God, you’re sexy,” Jaehwa whispered, hands sliding up his now bare back.

Yoochun shivered and turned around. Her fingers caught on a nipple and then trailed up to his shoulders. Yoochun wrapped his arms around her tiny waist and pulled their bodies together. He inhaled the sweet scent of her perfume and shut his eyes.

“I want to hold you forever.”

Jaehwa hummed in agreement and Yoochun pulled back just enough to kiss her.

“You better get dressed,” she said into their kiss.

“I don’t want to. I want to get naked and love you and never let you go.”

“And face your mother’s wrath? She’s put a lot of effort into your welcome home party.”

Yoochun whined, hands cupping Jaehwa’s ass. “But I want you.”

“Anticipation will make it better.”

“No it won’t, I’m already going to come in two minutes.”

Jaehwa laughed. Her soft fingers slid down his chest and abs, and swirled around his belly button. “God, please tell me you’re going to keep going to the gym. You look delicious.”

Yoochun smiled, and then held his breath when Jaehwa started unbuttoning his pants. “Jaehwa.”

“We have ten minutes, right?” she whispered. “And you just said you were going to come in two minutes … so that leaves us about seven right now, and I think I could get you off twice in seven minutes.” Her hands slipped into his boxers, and Yoochun had to lean against the closest thing, which happened to be his desk.

Jaehwa sank to her knees, hands firm on his hips. She hummed again in anticipation and covered his cloth-covered erection with her mouth.

Yoochun moaned, head tilting back. His legs spread and his hands settled in her hair. She pulled at the hem of boxers, yanking everything to his knees.

“Fuck, Jae-love.”

Jaehwa grinned and ran her tongue around the ridge of his cock.

Yoochun was going to be lucky if he lasted two minutes.

Her mouth closed around the crown and she sucked lightly. Yoochun’s head went light, and he transferred one hand to the edge of the desk, gripping tightly. He fought the urge to thrust into her mouth. The army had at least taught him a bit of self control.

Jaehwa inhaled deeply and then inhaled his dick, just sucked it right down. She gagged once and then pulled back, taking another deep breath before doing it again. Each trip into her throat teased his orgasm faster, quicker, stronger. Her fingers gripped his balls and she hummed, tongue roving, and Yoochun lost his mind.

“Fuck, Jaehwa, just …” Yoochun’s head fell back, mouth open in a heavy moan and his orgasm exploded from him, and Jaehwa swallowed his release, sucking hard enough that Yoochun whimpered in discomfort.

Jaehwa pulled away, licked her lips and looked up at him. Smirking, she said, “I missed you.”

Yoochun moaned, grabbed her shoulder and yanked her up to kiss. She settled against him, licking at his lips and his open mouth, not deepening the kiss. Her fingers wrapped lightly around his pulsing erection.

“Jaehwa, love, please,” Yoochun pleaded, tugging on her dress, trying to yank it up.

“No. We only have a few minutes. Come on. Changmin and Junsu are going out for the night, and we’ll have my bed to ourselves.”

“God, I hope so.” Yoochun pulled away from her lips. “Get out of here or I won’t ever get dressed again.”

“Don’t tempt me like that.” Their lips touched briefly again, Jaehwa’s fingers trailed over his stomach and then she slipped out of the door.

Yoochun stayed where he was for another minute, trying to catch his breath. Damn that girl. He loved her so much. He couldn’t wait until he could get her naked and make her come and scream his name over and over. His dick twitched and he cursed. After pushing away from the desk, he finished undressing.

Jaehwa whistled at him from the door just as he was slipping on boxers. “Sexy, but you need to hurry.”

“I blame you,” he said, shaking slightly as he tugged on jeans. He pulled on a tank top and then put on a button-down green shirt.

With a deep breath, he opened the drawer of his desk, and removed the little pink, velvet box. (Pink because black was tacky, or so Jaehwa had said a few months ago.) The last time he’d been on leave, he’d slipped away from everyone and gone to a jewelry store.

“So you didn’t answer me before,” Yoochun said, turning to face her.

She tilted her head in question.

Yoochun smiled, walked the few steps to her and fell to one knee. He held out the box and opened it. “Will you make me the happiest, corniest, craziest, stupidest-in love man in the world and marry me?”

Jaehwa smiled and nodded. “Of course, but you forgot handsomest in your rambling.”

Yoochun laughed, stood up, gathered her closely and kissed her soundly. After a moment, he pulled back, took the ring out and slipped it on her finger.

She stared at it and then laughed. “I knew Junsu had ulterior motives when we were looking at those ring pictures.”

“Your best friend wants you to be happy and he’s dating one of the most cunning manipulators I know.”

Jaehwa laughed, and then their lips met again, and then again. “I love you.”

Jaehwa’s phone started ringing with Changmin’s ringtone.

“Guess we’re out of time.”

“Yeah, but there is most definitely later, and now I won’t have a perpetual hard on through our party.”

“That sounds like a challenge.”

Yoochun laughed. They wrapped their arms around each other and left the apartment.

Changmin scowled at them when they climbed in the car.

“Sorry, Minnie-ah,” Jaehwa said and held out her hand. “This oaf had to propose to me.”

Changmin smirked. “It’s about time.”

“And I had to suck on his dick.”

“Jaehwa!”

Changmin rolled his eyes. “Like I hadn’t figured. That’s why I waited fifteen minutes. You two have never been good at controlling your sexual urges.”

Jaehwa smacked the back of his head.

“What the fuck? You want me to wreck?”

Jaehwa started to say something, but Yoochun pulled her close and kissed her head. “Leave it. Make out with me instead of fighting with him.”

Jaehwa laughed. “Okay.”

“No. Fuck you two. No making out in my car.”

Yoochun ignored Changmin and kissed his girlfriend. Changmin did his best to slam on the breaks and give the car gas and try to break them apart, but Yoochun never wanted to stop kissing Jaehwa ever again.

Her fingers danced up and down his thigh and over to his zipper. “Do you want to see him naked, Minnie-ah? He’s so sexy from the army.”

“Oh god, I hate you both. I fucking hate you both.”

Jaehwa cupped his growing erection and squeezed.

Yoochun moaned. “God, Jae-love. I told you I wouldn’t have a perpetual hard on at this party.”

“And I accepted that challenge, remember, Chunnie-love?”

Yoochun kissed her again, twisting to lay her against the window. His body wasn’t the only one that was different. He teased the curves of her breasts, and slid his hand up her dress.

Changmin slammed on the breaks really hard, squealing his tires. “There. Fuck you both, get out of my car.”

Yoochun pulled his lips away and smiled down at Jaehwa. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Oh god.” Changmin left the car, slamming the door.

Jaehwa giggled and pushed at Yoochun’s shoulders. “Come on. I don’t mind making out in front of Changmin, but I don’t want your mother catching us.”

Yoochun laughed, kissed her once more and then they climbed out of the car.

Hanging in front of the Angel Café sign was was a banner that read, “Welcome Home, Yoochun-ah”. It was in pink letters with yellow flowers and purple swirls all around it, and Yoochun knew that Jaehwa had made it.

He stared at it for a little while, smiling and then hooked his arm around Jaehwa’s shoulders and led her inside.

The café was decorated with more yellow and pink streamers, and yellow and pink flowers. There was a cake and lots of food. It seemed like his mom had invited everyone he knew, including family, friends, and the girls who worked at the gelato shop.

“About time, horn dogs,” Junsu said from behind the counter and motioned to the pick up counter where their coffees were sitting. “Don’t blame me if they’re cold.”

Jaehwa went over to him and hugged him over the counter.

“What the—“

“You’re a devious little snot,” she said and showed him her ring.

Junsu laughed.

“Put a ring on that finger, huh?” Yunho said from next to Yoochun.

“Yep.”

Yunho nodded. “Good.”

“I get to be the maid of honor!” Heechul shouted, silencing the crowd. “What?” he demanded, hand on his hip. “You don’t think I’ll look good in a dress?”

“He looks amazing in a dress,” Yunho said. “Or at least in a little skirt and heels.”

“You proposed?” Yoochun’s mom said.

“I told you I was going to,” Yoochun replied.

“I know, but you said in a month or two.”

Yoochun smiled over at his girlfriend. “Why wait?”

Yoochun’s mom went over to Jaehwa and immediately started talking about wedding plans, and she and the other girls cooed over Jaehwa’s ring. Heechul elbowed his way through and loudly proclaimed himself coordinator of everything.

“Your boyfriend is a control freak,” Yoochun said to Yunho.

Yunho laughed. “Not in bed, and that’s what counts.”

“So how is Jaehwa’s case going?” Yoochun asked.

Yunho had become an intern as part of his law program. Doctor Lee facilitated a meeting between him and Jaehwa’s lawyer, and now Yunho was on his way to be a civil rights activist lawyer. Not the most profitable of positions, but the most rewarding.

“It’s going really well, actually. We’ve determined that the judge’s reluctance is because you were in the military, and … well, now you and Jaehwa are engaged, and I’m assuming you’re going to move in together.”

“Yes.”

“I think after all that happens, we’ll have another hearing, and then we’ll win, and the case will be closed.”

“Until she wants to change her identification number. And the courts are very clear on that. She can’t do that unless she gets surgery.”

Yunho nodded. “Is she still thinking about it?”

“I think she’s always thinking about it.”


	19. The Beginning

**August 2015**

“Did you kick all of our friends out?” Jaehwa whispered, her arms wrapping around Yoochun’s waist.

Yoochun smiled and leaned against her. “Yes.”

Their new apartment was full of unpacked boxes, but Yoochun looked out the window, over the view of the park. This apartment had been such a great find for them. Two bedrooms, in a quiet neighborhood. And the landlord was a younger couple that had glanced at Jaehwa’s brand new ID, at her identification number, shrugged and let them move in anyway. They’d been turned away at three other places.

For the first time in her entire life, Jaehwa’s was able to legally write her name as “Kim Jaehwa” on an official document, even if it was just a lease.

She kissed Yoochun’s neck. “I set up the bed.”

“All of it?”

“Well, no. The mattress is still on the floor, but I put sheets on it. That’s all that’s important, right?”

Yoochun chuckled. “You’re kind of a sex fiend, love.”

“So are you.” Her hand easily slipped into the waistband of his pants, and with only two strokes, he was hard as a rock. “You didn’t go to the gym yesterday; let me give you a workout.”

Yoochun laughed. “We just moved all these boxes. I want to rest.”

“Then you can lie on your back like the lazy boyfriend you are and I’ll do all the work.”

“Hm, I love it when you do all the work.” Yoochun turned around in her arms. She was wearing a tank top, little shorts. Her hair was pulled up on her head, the bun loose and letting dark strands caress her shoulders and collarbones.

“You’re so beautiful,” Yoochun whispered.

Jaehwa smiled into their next kiss. Her hands pushed the track pants down his thighs. “Maybe we won’t get to a bedroom.”

Yoochun pulled away and his eyes found one of their chairs. He turned, walked backwards to is and landed with an off. He finished kicking off his pants, and peeled his t-shirt off.

Jaehwa grinned at him and gripped the bottom of her tank top. She pulled it off, and Yoochun licked his lips and then his vision was blocked by the shirt. By the time he pulled it off his head, she was naked and climbing into his lap.

Yoochun moaned, hands immediately curling around her hips. His mouth closed around a nipple and he sucked hard. Her fingers tangled in his hair and she yanked his head back, stealing his protest in a kiss.

“Want you,” she practically growled. “Right now.”

She reached around her body, gripped Yoochun’s dick and held him up.

His next protest turned to a moan as he slipped inside her wet, loosened body. “Jaehwa!”

“Hmm,” she said, eyes shut head back. She gasped and twisted her hips, settling in his lap. “You left me all alone in the bedroom for more than five minutes. Thought I’d speed things along.”

Yoochun moaned, mouth again finding her nipple.

The front of Jaehwa’s body rubbed on Yoochun’s, and he barely cared about the erection. He was so used to it now, and it was a part of the girl he loved so much. Pleasure swam through him and coiled in his stomach. Jaehwa could pull such a powerful need to come from him so quickly. He thrust his hips up, whimpering into her skin.

Jaehwa rolled her hips, panting, fingers still pulling his hair. She twisted again, and then again. Over and over, up and down. Their lips met and then broke, their hearts thumping together. It didn’t take long for sweat to build on their skin.

Yoochun tightened his grip, fingers digging into her skin. His eyes squeezed shut, his head swam, and with a final groan of her name, he emptied himself inside her. She kept moving, drawing out his orgasm, and he whimpered from the sensations.

“So … close, just …”

Yoochun pulled their bodies even tighter together, still moving, meeting Jaehwa’s desperate downward thrusts.

“Fuck, I love you,” Yoochun gasped. “I love you so much.”

Her smile was fleeting, her love confession ripped from her mouth in a whimper. Her body stilled, her tongue swiped over her lower lip and her body slowed, the tight muscles pulsating around his dick and then she shuddered, coming hard with his name on her lips, adding to the slickness between them.

Jaehwa collapsed, gasping from the exertion and Yoochun held her securely. After a few moments, Jaehwa whispered. “Let’s go take a shower.”

“Okay.”

She pulled her head back and smirked at him. “We need to consecrate the bathroom anyway.”

Yoochun smiled. “Are we going to fuck in every room in the apartment?”

“Is that a problem?”

Yoochun shook his head. “I don’t mind having five more orgasms tonight.”

“Six.”

“Six?”

“We have a balcony.”

“You want to have sex …” Yoochun’s cock twitched inside her.

“At two a.m., under the stars.”

Yoochun groaned and nodded. “Fine, but you are too loud, so I’m going to have to gag you.”

“Good,” Jaehwa growled and captured his mouth in a violent kiss.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**October 2015**

“Look, Jaehwa, I’m not saying it shouldn’t be pink, but EVERYTHING you own is pink.”

“So what’s wrong with pink?”

“Nothing, it’s just …”

“Aren’t I the bride? I want it pink. I want everything pink.”

“Babe,” Yunho cut in and pressed a kiss to Heechul’s cheek. “Why are you complaining? You look fantastic in pink.”

“Well, duh,” Heechul said and flipped his hair. “I look good in everything.”

“Yes, but remember that pink skirt and those tights? Fuck. Can you imagine how badly and how roughly I’m going to want to fuck you if you’re wearing a pink dress?”

Heechul tilted his head and pondered Yunho. He nodded once and then said, “Okay. Pink.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**December 2015**

“Chocolate cake,” Yoochun said immediately.

Heechul stuck his tongue out and said, “Vanilla. It looks better with pink.”

“I have no say in this wedding,” Yoochun said. “Nothing. I’m doing everything you want me to do—”

“Not everything,” Heechul said and licked his lips.

Yoochun ignored that. “—and I haven’t complained. But I want chocolate cake. That will be my thing, that I get to decide.”

“Oh my god, no. You have to think of colors.”

“Well, it’s Jaehwa’s favorite.”

“Oh well, if you’d just said that to begin with. Fine. Chocolate cake.”

“Can you at least pretend that something I want will be at this wedding?”

Jaehwa slid a cup of coffee in front of him. “I’ll be there.”

Yoochun smiled widely and yanked her down to his lips by her neck, before letting her go back to work.

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**February 2016**

Yoochun woke up alone, confused, and then noticed the light coming in under the door. He stretched, wincing slightly, and then rubbed his wrists. His body was still sticky with come, and he figured that since he was up, he could take a shower. He found a pair of sweat pants on the floor, shivering as he remembered Jaehwa practically ripping them off him so she could suck on his dick.

The kitchen light was on. Yoochun headed there. Jaehwa sat at their table. Her hair was loose around her shoulders. She hadn’t done more than slip on a nightgown.

He came up behind her, moved her hair off her shoulder and pressed a kiss to her skin. He felt her smile, though it was fleeting.

On the table were pamphlets for doctors in Japan who performed vaginoplasty. Yoochun wanted to murder whoever decided to name that procedure something so obscure. They'd agreed between them just to call is Gender Reassignment Surgery. Jaehwa knew she'd get the surgery eventually, but it depended on when they had time and could arrange it. Yoohwan had to get home from the military before it happened, so he could take care of their mother's expanding gelato business and he could take care of Jaehwa.

Also on the table were left over invitations and pink envelopes. She had a pink envelope in her hand. She twirled it, corners pressed into her palms. The invitation was sealed, stamped and addressed.

“Just send it, love,” Yoochun whispered. “It’s your family. They should know, even if they don’t come.”

Jaehwa sighed. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

Yoochun twisted her chair and bent down to hug her.

“What if they do come?” Jaehwa whispered.

Yoochun grinned and kissed her cheek. “Then they can have some soju and cake and I’ll get to dance with my mother-in-law.”

Jaehwa smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

-|\|\\-|-/|/|-

**April 2016**

A gust of wind blew a swirl of cherry blossoms around the bright spring grass. The sun disappeared behind white and gray clouds, tossing shadows around the park. The temperature warmed up through the morning.

Yoochun stood with his brother, Junsu, Yunho and Changmin under a giant arching cherry tree. Nearby was the pavilion they had rented for the occasion. The tables were covered in pink tablecloths that blew in the wind. Flowers and garlands in shades of pink and white decorated the place. There was a small pile of presents on one table, and next to it, their wedding cake, of course, decorated with cherry blossoms.

  
  
Another gust of wind dropped cherry blossoms around the party. Yoohwan was in his military uniform, but the four of them wore suits with pink shirts. Yoochun wore a darker pink tie and they all had an intricate boutonniere of cherry blossoms pinned to their lapels.

“There they are,” Yunho said and pointed across the park.

Walking down one of the paths was Heechul, Jaehwa and Yoochun’s mother.

Yoochun smiled widely and then swallowed.

Jaehwa was … beautiful. Yoochun wished that one day someone would invent a word that was better than beautiful.

Her layered dress was white with pink lace at the edges of each layer. The bodice was embroidered with matching lace. Her dark hair was pulled up in a beautiful bun and held back by an intricate comb. That comb had been Yoochun’s great grandmother’s and his mother had always said that Yoochun’s wife would wear it. There were also cherry blossoms pinned all throughout her hair.

Yoochun’s mother wore a tasteful, light pink dress, and Yoochun took a moment to appreciate her beauty.

“Damn your mom is hot,” Changmin muttered and Junsu smacked him.

“Your girlfriend is hotter,” Yoochun said and smiled at Yunho.

Heechul was in a strapless pink dress. His hair was pulled up in short ponytail and he also had cherry blossoms pinned around his head. A delicate hand held the skirt up revealing that he was wearing polka-dotted pink shoes with a small heel. Jaehwa had her dress up too, and showed that the two BFF’s were wearing the same shoes.

Their eyes met and Yoochun forgot how to breathe. Jaehwa smiled widely, and then hiked up her skirt further and jogged the rest of the way to him. Yoochun held out his arms and she fell into them.

“You look amazing,” Yoochun whispered.

“So do you.”

They hugged for even longer until Changmin cleared his throat and told them to just get a room.

Yoochun pulled away and laughed. Jaehwa stepped away, and Heechul tittered around her, straightening her skirt. She turned, mouth open to bitch at him about something, and then her mouth dropped open in shock, and she stared out across the park.

Yoochun tilted his head in question and followed her eyes.

Walking across the grass was Jaehwa’s sister Yoonah. And she was leading Jaehwa’s mother.

Yoochun’s eyes went wide in surprise.

Jaehwa stood there, frozen for a moment, and then headed in their direction. Yoochun quickly followed.

“H-hello, eomma, hello, onnie,” Jaehwa whispered and bowed ninety degrees. Yoochun was quick to copy her.

“Hi, little sister,” Yoonah said.

Her mother looked like she was going to cry as she held out a hand.

Jaehwa flinched, but her mother merely rubbed her hand over Jaehwa’s cheek.

“Eomma,” Jaehwa gasped.

She almost smiled. “I am very upset with you. So very angry.”

“Eomma,” she pleaded.

She held up a finger. “I am. I can’t accept this completely, but you are my son.”

“Eomma,” Yoonah said quietly.

She took a deep breath. “You are my child. My child. My beautiful, beautiful child. And I will be damned if I am not here to witness my youngest child getting married. Even if … yeah.”

“Thank you, eomma,” Jaehwa said and bowed again.

Yoochun held out his arm, and her mother hooked her hand at his elbow. “Thank you for coming,” he said.

“Thank you for inviting me,” she said. “You had no reason to.”

“Yes, we did. You’re her mother.”

She looked like she was going to argue more, but didn’t.

They returned to the makeshift crowd. And once again, Heechul went all controlling on them and made Jaehwa stand still while he made sure the train of her dress fell the right way, and opened his purse to fix her makeup. Junsu brought over her bouquet of pink roses and cherry blossoms.

As soon as Heechul deemed them presentable, his friend Donghae started taking pictures of them. Pictures first, Heechul decided, because Jaehwa was going to cry and ruin her makeup. They took pictures as a few more people arrived, including Yoochun’s father, who he had met with the week before to have dinner and catch up again. Even Doctor Lee and Jaehwa’s lawyer showed up to watch. The only awkward moment was when Jaehwa asked her mother to take a picture with them. It looked like she was going to protest, but eventually she nodded.

When Heechul was satisfied that they had taken enough pictures, Yunho called everyone to order. They gathered under the blossom-laden branches of the cherry tree.

Yunho grinned at everyone assembled and said, “Even if this marriage is a farce in some people’s eyes, even if it will be looked down on, those of us here know how real it is. We know how much these two love each other, how much they belong together. Soul mates, and now life mates. They were more or less told by a very beautiful man that they had to write their own vows,” he shot a look at his boyfriend, and Heechul stuck out his tongue, “so I won’t talk anymore because I know you want to hear what they have to say to each other. So, Yoochun.”

“Thanks,” he said. He met Jaehwa’s eyes and smiled. He took a deep breath, if anything to keep the tears back that he could already feel welling. “Five years ago I met the most beautiful angel I’d ever seen in my life. I knew that you were going to be part of my life, and I knew that I was going to do everything I could to see you smile. In the next few months, I fell in love with the most courageous, strongest and stubborn woman. There are so many things that I love about you, Jaehwa, but at the top is that you know who you are. Weaker people would have given up, but you didn’t, and I know you won’t. You fight for who you are. You are proud of who you are. You’re my pretty girl.”

Jaehwa held out her hand and Yoochun gripped it tightly.

“I know that other people or the government won’t acknowledge or accept this, but I don’t need a piece of paper to show you that I’m committed to you. I don’t need their approval or their laws to protect our love and our lives. I love you. I will always, always love you.”

Jaehwa’s eyes clouded with tears, and Yoochun’s eyes were stinging. He blinked once and they fell.

“Aw, hell,” Jaehwa said and dropped her bouquet, lifted her dress and stepped up to him. Their lips met, and Yoochun wrapped his arms around her waist. Their friends and family clapped and cheered.

Yoohwan pulled at Yoochun’s elbow, and Heechul pulled at Jaehwa’s.

“JaeJae, you didn’t say your vows,” Heechul said with a pout.

Jaehwa smiled at Yoochun and shook her head. “Words aren’t important,” she said. “But I’m never going to push you away again, and I’m never going to let you go. You’re stuck with me.”

Yoochun grinned. “Good. Can I kiss her again, Heechul?”

“Fine, whatever. You two suck.”

Yoochun kissed his wife again.


End file.
